Confession

It's no surprise that I had low self esteem and my previous state of mind prove that my thoughts was detrimental I wanted to push people not just for my selfish gain but for protection. see I didn't want to get hurt by death rather  intentional or otherwise so in order to not deal with the emotional stress that will be placed upon me when it happens I decided to just cut off ties with people. nowadays its a lil opposite I talk to people and try to keep connections the difference is I want to gain and spread as much knowledge, good energy and vibes as possible. I asked a lot of people the purpose of life and I got a lot of different answer but when it ask I always get an surprised look as if its nothing they have ever thought about. I know i'm not the only one who have had a depression affect me so I know they must have thought at least once" why I am I here? what is my plan? where can I go next?" as children these thought don't ever once cross our mind but when the truth about mortality comes in to play things change. It seems as human we grasp things and expect them to be with us forever. which is not really wrong just a tad bit foolish. this reason alone is the reason why I cut ties with people. all people will leave rather intentional or otherwise. it can be emotionally escaping , mentally moving on or  a physical push off or the worst case scenario death.
we all will feel pain its an aspect of life (remember balance ) but the thing to remember that pain comes from love  you have to felt something (love or love equivalent) in order for it to hurt. I will continue to research and learn to understand life. Soo far I came across with a few things that seem to be a part of my answer: Love, Pain, Balance, Knowledge. I must I am not looking for someone to say that life is about god because what is god? Until you can explain what god is and give an answer that wont offend anyone then you cant explain god. For you have people who don't believe in god but you cant not believe life because we all by definition are alive................ or are we ?????






R.I.P Pop Pop


See you at the crossroads








  

things that I never had

I don't think I was completely desirable to anyone I don't think anyone looked at me and said Damn he is off the wall 10 out of 10 the best thing ever I don't get that I get attitude and hatefulcomments ok maybe that's what I'm getting now but in my whole life I rarely got that I want that lustful eyes the taunting smiles the come hither looks that can be used for my ego now as an spiritual being I am not supposed  divulge with my ego I'm supposed to look towards something as a community but my spiritual training is not done so and ego is gonna be there still butoff topics what person wouldn't want that. That feeling of want and needing a person everyone I once wanted or needed had plans that didn't involve me but it's cool no lovelost an the girl I have now is (comments omitted due to negative or ill will that I feel right now when the feelings have subsided a comments will be replaced)but sometimes I want fans who hang on to what I say like no one does in the world now because everyone doubt me either I Give them advice and they dont listen or they just don't ask my opinion are bull and void and sometimes talking to yourself just don't work everyone is so sensitive so Ikeep my thoughts feelings and opinions to myself or to the blog I really need to get back on here not for the gimmicks or the promotion but for me a way to get my voice out when I can't put it in raps or i can I just want to reiterate

so the secret

Noone  can have your back

Thats it 

No blog post

Just  the realization  that im alone

Always

I want suicide  but im scared  

Save me mr happy please 

please.....

Save me

balancing act

I was wondering if technology was going to be something that will lead to the downfall of man this is not the case.since technology helps us progress and will continue to do so the problem is not technology but corruption. This also had me think about what else can be corrupted the first thing I thought of was love. Since i personally believe that  love at its purest form is the foundation for a  new world. However  love can be corrupted  just like  anything else. For an example  a girl can purlypurely  love a guy and do any and  everything ffor  him while  he could careless about her when she finds out the love will be replaced with hate or even resentment towards men. Her corrupted love creates hate which would  spread to the  next man to  the next women and  so on .  the point is nothing is one side of anything everything  in this  world can and will be  corrupted  in one  way or another. This works  together with  the ying and the yang. Stating that the world  have good(love) and bad (hate) but also have the bad in the good (accepting  someone you love annoying quality ) and the good  in the bad (understanding  why this negative  person  act the way they do ) it gives me  more evidence  that this world  works  on this principle  its hard to actually  disprove. I had more  but ...........




Continue  y/n

it is good i want to be worse

Meaning  i feel bad but everything is good but its still negative emotions in my head i try to deal with it and i want to run away but noone wants to believe me i know certain people dont care but it is important i just want a job to get my own money to buy things tthat i will be happy with fuck a passion dreams are for sleepers

my biggest flaws

I think it so i can change when i wish. That way i won't need emotions by default im an emotional person and emotions run my thoughts i hate that about myself it blocks logic a proven thing in this world you can fake emotions but you cant fake  knowledge its too much to do so i want to love but people dont react anyway i want them to not in a manipulation way but in a care for you the way i care for you type thing but i dont get that from anyone i working on being comfortable with myself like completely comfortable with myself because when i do i will leave people dont believe me but when they see the missing signs on fb or just hear people say that they don't know where im at people will know and regret i wont care because im gone






........seee by emotion








.......why cant Mr happy.com be real

on my ch shit

Just might start bloggin randomly like in class or tweet randomly i might be done with fb  i would have to get all my bard from there first

The sad part i don't even feel bad for this I feel like its right

Twitter : j3ttistheblizzi

more than whatever

For a couple of days now my mood attitude and goals shift in a different direction. Could have been the alcohol being drained could be the lack of tabbaco something i felt the need to smoke that wasn't that bad but anger and everything else in the nature was added like how sasake would his eye when he usd his shiragan i don't feel like looking it up but I feel like its something trying to get free i need to unlock this im gonna try harder to change and see of this unlocked potential or something ..more.. sinister.







Weed helps









N i need a car i dont like depending on others






Just random thoughts

hi blog its me

Another year same shit noone listens to me noone ever say your right or i get the points that i try to make  its always everyone is right but its might turn when will my problem be heard and taking accounted for thats right never (whenever its my turn to vent how come everyone say im done) my lyrics be true my friends limited my family limited my girl (no comment -_-) so who do i go to my self and then when i stay to myself its a problem "oh you dont fuxk with me nomore " you know why you dont give me comfort you dont make me feel like i could trust u or that im even someone you think about just you n your personal problems n me n mine do dont get upset when i stop calling it's because I care too much

tamale

Im starting to lose it human attachment starting to feel stupid  if i had a dollar every time i felt the need to the die i wouldn't need a credit card ill be rolling in dough its easy as hell to be neutral fighting smiles n letting the most negative thing u can think of its easy most humans don't deserve my full attention anyway my thoughts opinions and feelings truly would scare them away the won't know how to take so i chameleon rize n change to adapt i know don  wont talk about certain things so i wont same goes for everyone slowly im coutting myself off n loving it

rip robin williams

Today i heard the news on the death of robin williams now as an actor he was ok i liked jumunji mrs doubtfire and hook as a comedian i think he was par nothing to funny but nothing to boring (mitch is hysterical by the way) but
Now every one is a Robin Williams fan 
Why cant people say a celebrity's death is sad without kissing ass 
Why must every one  who die suddenly be an "inspiration"
Why cant someone say
"Rip robin williams you had a few good movies its sad u committed suicide prayers to the family"
And keep it pushing 
But Noo everyone is soo stunned with his death that u actually forget what hes famous for
Hes a comedian his job is to make you laugh because laughing makes u feel better 
So instead of crying about watch one of his movies and laugh 
To be honest i wonder how people will react when bill passes i also want to say bill cosby is a great man now so when he does i wont be bandwagon ing
I wonder if hes lonely ........

nothi g

The times i feel good i feel i am god n when i feel bad i feel like i don't exist
I hate the fact i have one or the other i need a connection with a real so i wont  have to feel bad
I wanted to cut myself so i can feel alive or real but i didnt
(Luckily)
But i was talking to amy about things and realized that I know why both amy and xavin have stayed around so long its a friendship thing
(Explain)
Amy is more psychological aware xavin is more socially aware
(And)
With that being said they are superior to the average so making me push to be better hense the relationship
(Amy use u as a therapist )
And im fine with that  its still a mutual things
Xavin is alil ......
(Drugs)
No
(Alcohol)
No
(Why not)
No need
(Yes u do )
No i need a connection
(Drugs and alcohol)
Yes maybe i think i should so i can be here Nd not here at the same time

im mad tired

I cant see out the window that's in my face
(that was a metaphor)
im just listening to ofwgkta in the library  and my head is just overflowing I cant focus still passed a final
(the intelligence is serious)
just needed to be increased
(why tho)
I want to talk cryptic
(that's easy with our brain we can make a code only we will get )
shit we can use the blog
(yea)
whats wrong
(its all for attention)
or a message
(I know that talk n I know that feeling u better get help or don't but if u don't don't hold back just do it )
ok

becoming my best friend again

This blog is becoming a diary
But its just not daily
It might start to be since when I was jimi this blog was my best friend
I was on here more than facebook now facebook is the first website I get on
Well not anymore im back on blogshit
Once again im public enemy number one of my unanamed significant other (still no character )
No I was thinking trinity but naw anyway if everything I done and everything I changed for her was money ill be balling her on the other hand would be the fuck broke she changed one fucking thing and since I have only one thing my attitude compared to her in rational attitude , her loudness her uncompromising thought , defensive mindset , rudeness that come from not seeing where im coming from I see her pov I would hate to be with a person whos always mad but if she did what I said I couldn't be mad I gave her the blueprint for my emotions she want to be stubborn and not use then and use her own thought process when I repeat Im not regular or normal so it wont work for me so just do like I ask /tell you  she dont so will continue to have problems (why dont u break up ) trust me I thought about it its hard not too tho irs like im fighting by myself (why ) because she dont see what I do n how I changed (y didnt u leave ) I love her im just at a major crossword i feel like she dont have my back im not attractive to her n we fight everyday we dont have a connection  (leave then nigger ) but when we not acting up we get along and think pretty similar and she had a hard life already (is that why u staying so u can have the hero complex) no its more of helping her n I can actually see us being happy like I have a feeling this is just a rough time right (so what if its not) but If Its not im looking stupid its always hard times (September 27th 2014) yes (make that a deadline) continue (if its no change in that time leave ) well .........continue yes/no

a genie job

If I was asked 3 wishes by a genie it would be


     1. To leave this world at my command however n whenever I wish

      2. To erase me from memories in people minds and computers

      3.Lastly to reconfigure the world to a positive way to impact the world


(So basically u feel bad about things)
We?
(U)
Why not you too you feel what i feel
(I do )
Ok then we dont really feel bad or anything just thinking its time

Bittersweet memories

SO I was talking xavin and we as talking about living with a significant other and I thought about living with ember and I basically remember her getting ready for work we would mess around I would stay up all night until the morning so I could either walk her home or just be up when she get in and in that perspective we was perfect considerate nice pleasant and xavin asked do I miss her then I thought about the awkward encounter I had with her in the summer a month after my birthday I really wanted it to  work but  you could just tell it was over so I came to the conclusion again that I miss the memories not the person and after 2 years you would miss them it was good times a bunch of first time things I did that I like when I was with her but they gone ummm (even though that was basically the title can u get to the  kanye west part) well these bittersweet memoirs bought back the song bittersweet by kanye which brought up more memories and it was memories of my innocence I miss the past (Yea the future sucks the care free lifestyle is gone and is never coming back ) I know n now im a lil sad about it (to the verge of crying) no not that sad just need a hug (and once again where is.....) now wait a minute she's out handling business can't get mad at that (what about Saturday) what about it (the beautiful day with no connection) yes it was highly annoying but what do that have to do with anything right now (bittersweet) right........right (all u can say right now? ) yea

missing the ghost zone

When me and ember we (not one pun intended) we heat it up we made fire we was in love it was passionate I never once felt  incomplete I just wanted to give her what she wanted and deserved now with this one I don't know I'm so incomplete I don't feel like I I can go to her for comfort like I can with hell any of them Romona she stayed on the phone with me the whole time I was depressed a(which was the whole day) and she didn't ccomplain not once  and of course with Amy she was my homie (yes I miss her too ) I do too she listened she gave good advice even xavin has been helpful (which is the biggest surprise because she was on I hate j3tt /Andre streak for the longest ) but my companion (she don't have an character?) No and that's a kinda of a problem I don't know her and she won't let me she keep worrying about being a good girlfriend that I don't even know her (bumbaclat *starts to slow grind to romping shop)  anyway there is not one thing I can say making me stay because she haven't been there for us (*still dancing) its not like she's bad its just I have problem and her solution is to stay on the phone and do nothing I can't come home to that if I had a long day of working if we ever live together what am I (we ) oh your back (yeah the song went off ) well what is what we to do we refuse to be by our self in a relationship (think of character for her ) trust I will




(Wait you didn't explain why u thought of ember) oh yeah I found my tablet  and we have pictures of us (anit that crazy) yes it brought up so much

recluse watching nutty professor 2

This night mark   one if the biggest nights of the year today is the day where I realized why I wanted to keep everything to myself in the first place you talk to people and they act stupid (the fuck wrong with romoana snapping at us because we was venting she know we hate it when we get told what to do )Especially when I already know but (what about that gf of ours) leaving us alone after uncle benji passed (first role model aka mj to us ) I know (I still think that you should move back to the way you were before ) I cant n u know it became I am getting better (we can do both meditate to be more inside n only outgoing when necessary ) maybe its the only option (that means no wife ) I know but we talked about love alot (yea but this is not what was planned she cant call or text its soo much drama with her) it is alot though but (is she worth ) ...................ill think about it

recluse smoking during a snow storm

Now anyone who knows me knows when I meet a person I get involved with I turn to an open book I tell everything because I think thats how it have to be and I demand the same respect thats why im upset if you keep something from me especially if its small I will feel offended by that and shut down im a human. Vault I hold many secrets some mines some others and I feel if I let you know mine you special I shouldn't have to use my blog for that but yet I do im going revert back to my previous ways becoming that loner once again only one knows things is me and me alone its fuxked when you cant go to your own lover family or friends you gotta rely on a website smh but this is the only way I could cope so let me cope or pass the rope so I can choke

all I got is myself

Ok to be homes I didnt think I needed my blog nemore since I had opened up about myself to people however tonight has changed a lot for me I cant do that nemore my words are hurtful (in my briana latrice voice) to so people so instead I decided to put them in a blog I was kinda happy when I had my blog it didn't seem like I was due to the post but I felt like someone without an opinion was listening which is something I need no opinion just listen shut up and listen but people wont do that so its back to the blog I be on here when I need to drain my thoughta

well i havent been here in a while (wipes off dust)

well i have been practicing meditaion and basicly tryna find new music and work but me and xavin broke up i forgot to mention that because it wasnt something i was gonna mention i was real distrught about it ....at first at least but then i realise we really just dont do well together in a realtionship people always believe its someone fault not always sometimes people dont sync well with other it happens but you would think im single well im not now my new girl is not a rebound and xavin is not forgotten  but i have been mediatation  and tryna get some peace in my life ive been cutting more just letting people know its fall/winter which means for me artistic month so ive been doing more new age things and such idk i guess i dont have too much to say but im gonna be talking about things

peace i guess

a new type of darkness

As it seems when im around im thinking about my life when i am alone however its deep reflection and a lil time alone has came to the conclusion that i  do not deserve life heres why : as social as i am i only one thing and thats a clown im there to entertain to  make people life not to be respected. I can honestly say maybe (a big ass maybe ) music aside my friends dont respect me. you know what people say when i ask them why they liked me "your smart and funny" oh thats nice a kevin hart Einstein and im sure kevin gets respect in less then half a decade he rose from a relative noone (we knew about him for a while now {adjust hipster glasses}) to a superstar that just the mention of his name people think of eddie murphy and richard pryor. what hustle i have not one and i know "i gotta go out there and get one . noone gonna do it for you . things dont just fall in your lap " understandable but even with that people laugh at kevin hart because he tries to be funny he wants to be funny hell he need to be funny but me its accident im a jester a fool. where did this come from welll i have noticed it at a friend's game night. im pretty sure noone said " man that guy funny because hes funny " im pretty sure its " thats guy is funny but im pretty sure i dont want to be with him " see heres the thing to all the girls who think being with for a few hours are unsuffable imagine 24/7 thats what i gottta what i gotta handle n i know if i get on my own nerves sometimes then i know i get on people  nerves. but its something i gotta handle alone right ........right ? (always got me ) i know man but sometimes its not enough i think alil  deep and notice people want me there for them  but noone for me (then when "something happens"  its " omg when you didnt call me why didnt you tell me " i did you just didnt listen ) they dont get that though they dont under stand the consequence of they negligence

THE PILGRIMAGE OF FLOWERS

SKRRRRRUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLL

im gonna be soooo alone

last year around this time i was in delaware with ember (not about her tho shes not important right now) but swace n xo was in nyc . this is time they left again and i have no where to go. cooly is a father whos in school so i doubt he would have time juan have a step son a job and see his girl on his days off n now where to go this time i have xavin but she has school and job n untill spring thats when i start my school but till then i got noone to hang with n be with (but hey thats whats weed tobacco alcohol is for )  right

misantropic nihilism

because the general dislike or mistrust for humans and the ideal of believing that life have no meaning. knowing this its not hard to see why i said what i said about killing people. however doesnt make them right . and the whole thing was more of an "humans have been currupted by powerful people in charged who has been currpted by power and have lost their general basic  human emotion ie love compassion sympathy so they didnt deserve their lives" type thing . not right neither but at least itsnot blind rage  n i know i am flawed but this is why im doing it.like the angel who destoryed solem an gommor(didnt spell that right) it needed to be done  now once again not right but its just thoughts. and thats the thing they are just thoughts bot good thoughts but thoughts none the less nothing is solid or have been put in motion  or even been plan to put in motion or even planed to plan to put them in motion just thoughts and ideas.crazy thing is while looking at my problems i see im a fucking baby i want assist from a female to love me and hold me and tell me it will be ok (the world /my issues) but  noone would do that everyone hav etheir one life my first response was not to tell people because its nothing they can do about it but i get confortable with people and beceome a n open book ne way my body is tired but my mind wont let me go to sleep i guess im not sleeping tonight well today

dream crashers

If u read my blog you would know I like dreams I should study it ember was in my dream  idk y I moved on she have too so y in mu dreams I visited her but my dreams have been vivid when I do sleep I have a slight sleep disorder staying up until 6 n them some but I have been feeling unusually lonely n have no idea why imean xavin do talk to me everyday then whata the problem maybe it the friend leaving thing that I'm still not over not able to record or smoke or vent have had me think about ( maybe I did already) and drinking not gonna write a lot n btw in speaking of ember I wa s thinking bout delaware a lot maybe its the freedom I had there the smoking drinking rapping fornicateing it was a unhealthy paradise maybe I need one here I need something because cutting is no longer work( or I just need to cut harder )

my dreams

y the hell was ember in my dreams we had closure and now she is going to school kinda crazy its alot of bs xavin is getting a job n school (good for her) juan already got a job (good ) cooly is in school swace n xo go job corps( good for them) and me ? im waiting for a job to call me back nothing falls in place like it will i bet the girl gonna say she got fired so she cant help me or the job is now filled or some other biull shit (see what happens when you place your faith in mare humans they dont care )don t say that some do just not all (keep telling yourself that when everyone living their life and you are homeless no handouts for u ) so what do u think i should  do (say fuck them all now ) i cant now (just do it soon before its too late because it bad enough u dependent on these funky ass humans )

did i move too fast ???

[imean xavin was part of a group called 'the runaways' should that be a sign i might be overthinking this but it] i understand thats how we cope we think alot even when its not no reason to [yea but is that alil suspicious] what [the fact is she getting upset all of a sudden could that be a new way to break up to less the blow for the breakup-er ] i get it but elaborate [ok if i get mad at you and blame you for stuff sooner or later my feelings for you will decrease and when they get low enough i break up with u with no remorse] like catching a pokemon [EXACTLY like catching a fucking  pokemon] but you dont believe that do u [hopefully not but that's the flaw with overthinking you really cant control whats being thought about or the thoughts itself] shes not that malicious [ok ,if you say so im just saying just a thought]

so wait wait im dating the xavin version of my L.O.E.E

basically now if you dont know who xavin is read more comics but to spear you the time xavin is a skrull.whats a skrull? a skrull is an alien race that comes from the fantastic four universe now the most famous one is kl'rt n he is a super skrull. Now a super skrull is a product of biological engineering now what they do that makes them speical is have all the powers of the fantasic 4. Now back to the point xavin is a super skrull the reason why i said this is because thats is how my gf is. The intelligence of romona , the conversation skills of amy , silliness of ember and the need of jean grey. Now do this means shes perfect not necessarily you see i mention this before[in j3tt love life right] right. I said what would happen if they all combine it could be the best or the worst thing that happen. I dont really know since 1 we still in the realtionship  2 we started not that long ago so because of that its hard to determine the outcome but heres what i will say if she fails my list will be complete and i can finally release it but if she some how take all the crap i throw at her it will be real weird for the league
 or
 would it ?????????????
idk
still waiting on death tho [idont even know why nemore ]

its been awhile

people said ive been depressive so i came off the blog for a while but its been a month im not going to job corps i was trying to go allied barton but they fucking with my e mail emotional ? ive been whimping does that answer your question ive been rocking back n forth on my bed whimping im tired nmow i feel bad now but im tired of talk while noone listening so this will b e another time i wont be back on this

this is nothing as I sit here listening ghost city by ch I wonder if I can even go as far to give up

life has its moments ....sometimes

then again it  doesnt Gothic /emo carving is all that i have to look forward too i tapped out on the uneasiness of life to become a Gothic poet 'erdna ' idk maybe the influence ch has on me have influence me greatly im alone only with the main voice in my head that i talk to we walk philly n really dont care about anything that happens i need new music on my phone hopefully i can get my phone fixed most likely i wont i want to find a hideout where i can be free from the world n not deal with the strees or bs that i do put up with fuck the fbi they might be reading this i want them to come kill me make me a motherfuckiung target tired of this shit no longer mad or anger just waiting on death to take me out on a date then rape me take me passionately in her arms n tell me it will be ok as she rides me furiously n when we done we will get married n ill truly be happy so go ahead n lust for life ill be in love with DEATH







waiting for u to take my breath away baby..............

im gone

i have a plan of leaving im only telling my blog because this would be the last place they look even tho its on my facebook page meetme twitter instagram and pof profile if im not mistaken but nope even with the free promotion and word of mouth through me its not a secret at all and i don't treat it like such but no one listen fuck em all if u just now reading this blog FUCK YOU seriously i ve told everyone close or far from about this damn page so maybe i could receive some help but no help was ever given so im leave my house on Sunday and refuse to come back where would i go idk nor do i care Sunday im suppose to go to a game night so hopefully ill drink to much because alcohol will be provide and ill have poisoning but yall mother fuckers think im playing im not making it to next year im surprise im still here breaking the pact i made with my self last year that i would end it Christmas new years or my birthday the 3 events passed and im still the fuck here fuck job corps i dead ass didnt want to go its one of those you gotta do what u gotta do type things fuck electricity idgaf about how that works but in this corrupt ass world you need the poison that people fight die and bleed for ;money i just wish the world works based on talent or skill not fucking degrees and other bull shit man made accolades so retards can pat their self on the back and say i did something great no the fuck you didn't i don't deserve my diploma i didnt deserve it i didn't do my best in hs you know why because im lazy as fuck but have skill intelligence and potential to be the best but noo its handled to the people who can sit in class copy notes pass test n they are proclaimed smarter because they did something thats routine how is that far its not but thats not why im leaving i just had a moment i had to get out im leaveing because i dont fucking like this fucking world the fucking things in this fucking world and the fucking people in this fucking world are the fucking sheep that leads to slaughter ill admit some are not but most the fuck are its like i dont even wanna die nemore my desire for death is still apparent but i wanna die and my soul goes in a capsule to be never released again no thoughts no feeling just nothing thats exactly what i want to happen but no i get judged on what i do and depending on how strict god is ill be in hell or heaven for eternity thats a long ass fucking time i feel like ill probably go to hell tho i have alot of malicious thoughts and alot of malice in my heart its not my fault tho i was brought up with it and to those who say i use my up bringing as a safety net FUCK YOU again because its not a person upbringing determines alot of decision options choices etc in the persons life my eyes are done looking my ears are done listening the only reason why i was living was because love but even that hurts to the point where you want to kill your self and one person should not have that much power of another especially if it came from such a necessary because we need love to survive it was a study on as humans we need love the only emotion we NEED and beautiful emotion but as i run my hands through my locs n just wonder how many people are gonna find this whos gonna find what would they think and i say to them if they wanted to know my read the rest of the fucking blog .....fucking bastards



peace

j3tt's blizzi love life

(but he doesnt love life ) haha ready (yea) ok first was tia(do you wanna count that ) yea (but she cheated on you for your best friend ) so did angel (forgot all body our lil freaky ass white chick) next it was Brianna (haha the names repeated for you ) i know that's crazy (she was freaky back then tho i wonder i how she is now )probably a mom (yea but a milf tho ) any way next it was Jocelyne (Felisha: crazy ass bitch )but she did love us (yea but she was bad for us ) like most of the others (almost forgot she took that v card ) i know I'm mad because of it after that was Katie ( peach :she wanted to be rescued hard ass shit but she also loved us ) as i said for here on they all loved us but was just wrong for us next was Shirley (ember : that girl) i know (she fucking dropped us hard as shit ill say she caused the most pain out of the league and for that matter all of the girls un official included )yea she was .... (skip it next ) Brianna (Romona the smart beautiful she has a friend vibe to her tho) oh in the best way possible (of course but mecca(Amy fn rose) yup (another girl who has a friend vibe we can stand to be around her for more than a few hours ) which is hard for us (true ) lastly Kendall(the dark Phoenix  her name fits her perfectly she happy then its like an anger i wish not to go through ever the fuck again) and we wouldn't have to  (would u do any of them again ) you mean we don't forget you played a part to my mans (you was about to say nigga n idk if they fix their flaws ) what was Amy and Romona flaws (you know Romona acted like a mom ) i did hate that (and Amy one don't want us )true (and she never have time ) yea its sad if you could all of them together could be the best (or the worst thing ever) and now we would try to do the iteralrun time of them all go

Felisha :dec 2008to may 2009
peach: nov09 to may 10
ember:june 10 to jan 11
Romona:mar11 to aug 11
Amy: jan12 to jun 12
Kendall: apr13 to may 13

again again

i know somebody gonna hear me my mp3 player is broken so i have to use my phone (dont get in to it they probably wont get it )but its to me  but ....(shhhh just dont go in to ) what about toda...(dont) so its nothing

i think music is now overrated

ash said he would stop if it feels like a job and it does im too hard nothing is complex enough but when it is i have to dumb it down i know i have to find a middle ground and it can be acchived but im tired of this change shit because nooone feels me but whatever im talking to a girl she a go getter like really but idont think we gonna mesh im too much of a bum idk whatever idc im in idle while not nemore but im not active i got high bymyself before and felt so good (yea we was chilling hard as shit making jokes and shit we was tripping )then we do we feel down (maybe because we still living) meaning ? ( remeber when we said we would commit suicide on the earthstrong)yea (well we didnt we still living we was only living for that day and since the world is still spinning we feel incomplete and  unfiinished your want to fo home and get the 99 bananas? yes (trust they gonna read all this when we gone nnoone cares now for a reason )

5 since 21

i got wasted on my bday n been buzzed or fucked up ever since n idc i dont see ne reason to be sober i have looked back at my love life and let me say no im not happy  felisha amy ember romona peach  and dark phoenix(finnally the whole league ) ive hurted them and been hurt by them shit ive been hurt the un official exes (sedearny) btw its 3 ppl also with that in mind i no longer want feelings every time every FUCKING TIME I FALL I LOVE I END UP ALONE (sorry folks hes kinda mad right now ) LIKE IM NOT PERFECT BUT GOD DAMN IM GOOD ENOUGH SHIT WITH ALL THE BULL SHIT I PUT UP WITH THESE FEMALE AND THEIR PERIODS AND MOOD SWINGS (look whos talking ) AND ALL THEIR FEMALES PROBLEMS AND THEN THEIR PERSONAL PROBLEM JUST BULL SHIT  SO I WOULD SAY IM DONE WITH LOVE BUT (probably cant commit to it) IMMA GEMINI AND A LOVING  PERSON SO I KNOW I CANT (told you) BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS ................BLACK AND MILD AND 4 LOKOS (lol) IM DEAD ASS JUST WAIT TO DIE NO LONGER A REASON TO GO BUT I WONT BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN MY OWN DEATH (so you gonna live life to the fullest aka reckless until death .........)YEAH( fuck yes lets get turned up tonight ) OF COURSE LIVE LONG AND PROSPER  TO ALLWHOS NOT ME  "everybody somebodys everything nobody's nothing " yea right

5 more till 21

rihanna is my wifey again :) she agree and now it s me and robyn my princess from Barbados wait...... nvm its over again damn ri ri stop playing with my emotions i want you but anyway  i have a 3rd unoffical  (SE)(DEAR) (NY) SEDEARNY omg i have insiders with myself but i will tell some people but if u no me u can already get it but it could be me just thinking to far out the box to be comprehended by most people sad to say this but it has to be said but anyway im going home on Wednesday kinda excited imma see my sister off on prom n shit you cant nice to some people (sorry that was random thought from me) ne way imma end it here my vibes been killed

21 in 9 days

nothing can compared to the anticipation i feel for this day 21 years old i got my shades so i can see in a darker tint have i been depressed in small doses i need one more to complete my league of evil exes i wonder whos gonna fill that 7th spot will she be the last one ???? or will she just add to the exes???? i missed sooo many proms send offs(is that what they called) like i was suppose to see amys (im sorry again) honey bees(sorrrryyyy ) and my friend patra is having a baby girl but i missed hers too but she didnt tell me im in Delaware now i was doing yard work (its hot as hell up here ) but i missed xo listening party i love how when i leave everyone wanna be doing something but when i come back its gonna be all quiet and boring i hate people soo much i wanna smoke and drink now like so bad i want that feeling of euphoria
euphoria euphoria

EUPHORIA

nothing is wrong

But being wrong is nothing but human see the thing nobody wants to open up due to the risk of being judged and that's the worst feeling to be put under the spotlight. And why wouldn't it be (so are trying to tell us that u have all these profound thoughts but yet no song you irk my motherfucking soul fatboy) ok neway as I was saying (noone wants to hear you shit maybe only like one person u can tell something to and she an ex )who icy amy(if that's what u wana call her)but what thhat gotta do with anything (how long have u knew her)well ill say for about a year(let's go down the list real quick it was the virgo and the capicorn then ember aquitik then romana next amy and lastly trinity) yes and (and how long was that)I guess since 11th grade so I guess 4 years(6 gfs in 4 yrs and you wonder why you not stable u wanna listen to danny brown then micky facts then ch then joebudden then absoul then )so what are u saying (you are not fucking stable u need to sit the fuck down and just stick to one you wanna listen to us then yourself like wtf you probably won't live in the ghost zone nemore )ok you went you to far.........retry y/n

my heart stops

N my head continue I feel like a vegetable I feel empty alone scared mistreate d n unwanted because of this I believe I am I want a hug n some one to hold me n say it all right that false confirmation will lift my spirts if not only for a lil bit I feel dirty there is a new dajnny phantom I have to accept that I wish I could have still been dannybut I can't be I see nothing good yet even tho not to long ago I was on cloud 9 but I (post incomplete )retry y/n

trinity v ember aquatic

One wants to save me while I want to save another a sad lil cycle but that's my life love is an word that can be used as a verb and a noun you can love someone and have love for someone and yet with the same words this is a big difference I see nothing ann I of all people should know that its a hard thing to balance out and I'm learning how to the only thing the twin and voices are saying is (man up n move on you have a trinity so livewith that) but ifi {post incomplete} {retry? y/n}

thisis the result of being socialable

You care about other people feelings rather u like it or not s back to caring but destroying myself instead of just destroying others feeelings it hurts less I was about to change it but no let the self destruction continue

words that so called descibed me

wallflower,hipster,bohemian,hippy,freethinker,beatnik,new age thinker,weirdo,differenter all these labels i take it as way to live but i forgot some:writer,rapper,artist,smoker,mc,lover,pothead,knowledge seeker and etc so think about something before u say something something short for now listening to slaughterhouse

next generation

so I love romona I'm enternly in her debt but it is possible for u to love somone and not be with them I have also learned inlife its possible to love multiple people at one time it scary to think like this now since I been single for so long but it whattevr learnn to livce with it roll with the punches like i do everybody trys to tell me that i anit worth shit anmd that i dont have a problem im just lazy and dont resonbilty this maybe but its not something is wrong but yall dont know at all u never will untill u ask and i will say go to my blog buyt no obvsously im saying lies but me coving up these so called "lies" will be actual lies so i decide to shut up (again)yes again to focus onj art im going to delaware for awhile to do a sabatcal if i find my tablet fuck all who oppose

we tried warning all of you

(But now its time for us to do what we have to do he starting to believe us when we told him that none of y'all really care but its fine we have him now y'all had one job and every last one of you have failed anyway we have a self destruction and reconstruction to host y'all have no to blame but yourself thanks again)

would you believe

I'm not upset however I was high for the past days but I wanna get fucked up Saturday I might I wanna go somewhere my poetry is getting way more potent I like that I haven't really been happy alone tho the more I talk to people the more depressing being alone feels like I really am dependent on people but push people away smh imma write a poem tonight or a few maybe a song idk

list of favorites

painter:Keith harring rapper:mickey factz, Charles Hamiltion, Lupe fiasco,joebudden,absoul (couldnt pick one) candy:twizzlers chocolate:Resses band:Nerd,gorillaz,Korn, pod (couldnt pick one) food:pizza color:black singer:frank ocean,the dream,neyo,prince,chrisette michele,Jill scott(you no why) marvel hero:deadpool DC:batman movie:love jones,brown sugar, Basquiat, interstate 60,forrest gump(oh eat shit if u didnt get it yet ) Nfl team:steelers but eagles due to city NBA team: heat , bulls and sixers due to city books:the love dictionary Graphic novel:Scott pilgrim chips:hot fries cakes:birthday cake Vgame:UMVC3,SFXT,saints row 1-3,super mario 64, mario party1-4,pokemon all i cant think of anymore right now if i do they would be on the updadted list

real quick 5 mins and counting

well its reallty 6 and judgement day is cooming not for the world {wll idk } but for me im dying i can feel it something was told to me that kinda took me off guard and could change my life as i know it i will now let the voices take over (well as listening to new ch there is nothing we can do to fix this body or shell or home what ever thisis that holds us we can try to fix it but its really up to yall who care we beileve yall really dont but he do so his hope is what keep him he didnt really put his trust in us yet completely but do what yall have too or we will take over e=nuff said )

sitting in the dark listening to incubus

Nothing can compare to this this is a unpleasant bliss that I have to deal with smoke and feel free for at least the time being but how long is to long I wanna go back but no I can't I don't really want to be bothered by any body I just don't unless you plan to help

j3tt vs the world

So I have an envy Knives Kim And a Lisa Miller And since ramona is the girl of his dreams and I haven't had anyone that magical and last we heard they still together since I'm single I don't have a Ramona which means one thing I can finally start this mixtape I'm listening to solange song losing you Its so nice and lovely but it has a party upbeat tempo to it the song is simple nothing about it says complex its just so damn contradictory that I can't help but to like it nothing like her sister music but it could be like something that destiny child would do its like refill nothing really special but goddamn it u can't stop listing to it excuse me I went to go listen to her two other songs that many people know I decided and sandcastle disco and now listening to losing you it clear solange is more diverse then her overrated sister Beyonce can out sing her yes but musically solange is just better because its something unlike Beyonce whjo is stuck OK n that dying genre called rnb kinda sad then again she had chances anyway my favorite band is now a 3way toss up between korn nerd and gorilaz besides korn they all genre hop now listening to locked away they have music you wanna preform while korn does also it s more anger or sorrow well kinda upset now bout to sneak in my step mom wine alcohol is alcohol IDC what y'all say I'm gonna be a fucking alcohol who's gonna stop exactly

diamond encrusted halo

My daughter is right now have no potential mothers but she gotta be born with the perfect woman for me but idk if she exist but I know she does I want her now who ever she is come find me babe your child and your husband is waiting but until then everyone is just a gf until u change into the perfect one

space distance

Space cosmically synchronized With stars that seem small in size Because we are far but it wouldn't be wise For us to believe in empty lies Distance don't make the heart fonder Or stronger Just make the time spent apart longer First time away maybe was an issue Second time away no longer need a tissue Third time away reality finally hits u That you will have to survive off of "I miss u" Love can grow to a place where certain things won't matter So if they too far too old too young the love still won't shatter Those who disagree gave up and its pathetic Because love will only go that far if u let it :-)

unable to reconstruct not stable yet

As I sit in Barnes and Nobel I think about everything this year had to offer which is crazy is the fact it feels like it is anew year like last Monday was January 1st it was the longest fucking week ever since I don't really Sleep at all I try to incorporate more people in my life to make it not seem like the rut it is I don't want to come here every day or just whatever its a few anomaly well I don't think that's the word but its a lot of aquaious that I know I don't know why I have to be the most weird person ever I'm sorry just a thought I am ready to break down but can't bring myself to tears I'm no longer telling people they don't care well Nicole I thank her but the rest not even a how u doing but its cool closed casket cause I might take a shot to the face club 27 newest member right here

charles hamilton at 6 in the fucking morning

I have done an sucessfull e9xperiment abput scents and it can trigger flashback slightly and give you the same feeling and thought I just picked the wrong era the fall era of '12 I'm learning a lot of things about me I spent the whple day in the bookstore instead of bothering people imma. Try to see if people bother me (something to write about fatty fatty2x4) maybe I should I just need a beat I mightwrite today why the hell am I upso early (I can't hear you lalala I'm ccovering my ears lalala I can't hear you lalala if you hatingon me these nigga got me seeing red and I'm c and pink can u see what in my head ) seltcive deafness I told my so called best friend I was going to nj and never comeback she said she don't care her exact word why do i. Surround myself with people whodont care imma do it one day. I wonder who would look for me or who woudl just continue I had a a fantasy that I went and hung out with a group of broke misfits who did drugs and I had a gf who kept tryna stop me then I would go from her house to the studio then the streets with my friends then everyday I get kivked out then I work my way in n we have sex she loves me but frustrusted she can't control me n then itssame thing for awhile (that's sound awesome) I know (we should try it ) we can't (why ) well we don't know if things can be that smooth (fuck you right ) iknow I am so we stuck here don't worry(I know we've all noticed u back in your fantasy world welcome back)

post valentine post

Today I fell back with syd da kid my lil dyke lover omg I want her and she wants me I'm waiting syd wainting for us but it really the art of words i m give rap a break andwrite more poems idk why maybe it the face with poems you focus on the words and not the flow or delavery or even punchlines (so no pressure) basiclly but its 450 and I was juat slowly airair grinding to janet jackson anytime (I guess they wanna know a out the sex thing) well my libdio just builds day by day the person who blow this firecreaker might lose an arm(.........why the fuck u say that) I'm sorry but I'm serious and the incident that happen the 13 well tbh I was very very very depressed more depressed then I ever been om not going in to spefics(that's spelt wrong and don't if u didn't help u don't know too bad and one person and that person was thanked) sad day but its in the past imma workout gett my body just make people envious of me imma get job get my own crib(or atleast a car ) but I wanna ask if someone iso"specal" why neglate them? That means they not that speical right or wrong ...... exactly I'm going night night nigga if. I can (u tired but u can't ur mind not letting u )ur mind to (that a place of residence sooo its a difference) is it (yea) I wonder if people would get anything I say (you could go back to codes) which ones the sp or zodiac (both) lisa scorpion knives fish romonia crabs envy water (nvm that sound fucking stupid)told u (don't worry we would figure out something we been writingfor 10 mins ) techniclly type n its cklose to 20(damn I wanna sleep )me too metoo (thank of a clever way to end this my eyes r hurting from the bright lights) if ur sick of me in ur life let ur exit be ur medicine un called for bitterness but when u take it just know when I say u don't matter u best believe ur a non factor if I say I hate I still have some type of feelings for u but discontent or more of indifferent is something different I wouldn't piss on u if u was on fire hell I won't call the cops I won't even tell nebody there the diffrence if I hate u I would out of human sympthy put out the fire but indifferent u are less then a human you get me ?

uh

I seach for an answer a souloutionnothing comes I see nothing but what I don't have I don't have what I want I want what I need so I continueously cut untill I bleed hopeing seeing my arn red would change what sit nmy head nut noits just a mess athat is created i m alone as I said before I became my own mother father friend and whore. The abuse that otheres could have gotten was pushed on to me and nothing can be done because noone else see what's going on in this desmistic dispute between what I beileve a lie and the truth these 3 is what makes me unhappy and thet fact that everyone looks apast me oh you be fine stop being dramistic I'm sorry not even actors can get framatic this sparactic I see a way out idk if I should take it if this world makes me uncorfortable unhappy un kind and unhabbitable why shoukdnt I I escape it

out of disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. Other symptoms of BPD include: • Fear of being abandoned • Feelings of emptiness and boredom • Frequent displays of inappropriate anger • Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting • Intolerance of being alone • Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing ok after all that i believe honestly i have this disorder imma look up more and see what more stuff they can compound on to it to get a full analesis on me i do iknow that when i was diganosed they said i something with depression (major)maybe it was this maybe not but i just currious i was on zoloft and something else but my dad didnt want to pay for it so i had to say fuck it and live with my feelings could have came from that or whatever but i feel like writing thanks absoul probably about to listen to some mickey as well jimi(lover) basquiat(artist) love art

sexual frustration

Give me a reason to be a freak or beat my meat. Said by ch the greatest that's how I'm feelin I need some some ting not gonna say what because it should be apparent what I mean not to be a perv but I really want some I'm a sexual person who need affection from females from time to time I dream about it now since I started to try to ween myself off of porn I need it (no you need some pussy ) maybe but its not easy thing to do (whatever nigga) anyway I want it badley in other news I have got high today off of tabacco. It was a good high didn't think I could get that high from it but I was and I was trippin downtown tryna freestyle if some one was with me it would have been better (times like this I miss my de buddies they would have got me drunk and high ) I hear you man I hear youbut we got 4 more months right (yup then it s go time baby wine and spirts on dekc getting so fucked up ) funny when we agree on stuff (iknow its like we becomming onee) you like fro that to happen any way I wrote somethigng a lil something on joe budden better me beat. Its not my best but pretty good I should be studing but I'm not at least not now peace

affectionate addiction and an inner conversation

i have been feeling a lil more affectionate lately maybe because valentine is right around the corner or what ever but i wanna be baby and i have a porno addiction yup i finally admitted it and i mean it its on my phone my mp3 player my laptop i have certain sites my fav is xnxx and other shit its not even sometimes i be horny but more of just the fact its there its sad because i really cant stop myself but imma ween myself off of it slowly but the biggest thing is i cant write i mention this before but its serious now i can barley freestyle and its not like last time when no concepts came no i got concepts out the ass its just i cant put it down in a clever way i read and thought about my old song and it has so many hidden gems that i didn't even see or realize i love doing that it make me feel better but i don't know and very scared that i can never do that again its the only thing i got now my art no job no money no friends (well they not everyday they have lives that don't involve or should i say revolve around you) i guess the self destruction is a product of non writing if i write i wont destroy myself it guess it came down to this  I FEEL TERRIBLE its like having an i phone but not being able to use it or to have money alot of money like a billion dollars but you cant spend a fucking penny its just taunting me( your sick or at least used to be i don't know any more because  you haven't prove any thing to me') alcohol is calling me  but i cant drink or even have alcohol 4 fucking more months then im gone SD will be took  to the next level i bet money noone even read this in time (stupid ass people don't care im trying to tell yu that the last time they read anything here as probably last year and maybe even older then that but don't worry they will see remember how when we was all involved you wrote you most depressing but yet powerful work)yea(well we can do it again just lets us take control turn off the light and let us guide you )idk it drove me crazy last time (well insanity is a spice of life  and btw how you like normalcy) .... (exactly think about it we be waiting )

youy probably dont realize why its called

self destruction and why its spelt that way well its a wack ass code Do yoU see (C) its corny but i doubt you saw it everytime im brought back here im depressed maybe because ive had so many depressive moment it taint the beauty of this city for me i dont wanna be here i wanna leave and go somewhere i have a job interview tomorrow and i dont really wanna go because it deals with insurance but to be honest i dont thinkk i have a choice i need money well not really i have noo problem being broke for now i dont know if its because im lazy or just content but i dont really care for some reason my dad didnt help the bridge that he burned so fuck him he ... im sorry im looking at this girl i feel an attraction i have no idea why i get spiritual in a library thats weird maybe it becasuse my mental feel intrigued im going home to pysically destory myself ssome more bye i guyess

nothing left to say

O don't think I'm taking rap seriously here I don't like that my freestyles got better but that's about it nothing to big instill got that cockyness like I don't have something to prove when I do I still didn't finished the two songs I was suppose to its like I wanna rap but I can't and I lost my mp3 player cord so it can charge or put new music (dyme a duzin) on it Swace and Xo are in NY so that means its go time for me and Cooly I gotta hit him back up when I get home I don't know what can put me back not like im quitting I just need a motivator since nothing really does you no if I get my head in these books (rap book) and off these girls I'll probably be better off I have to finish at least one song today even though i m basically finished I still have to put it down this its just the life of a fat black Gemini artist who have an admiration for jimi Hendrix and jean Michael basquiat  job jimi basquiat need to come up cause I'm falling off

damn if i do damn if i dont

damn if i will damn if wont THIS WILL BE THE LAST POST FOR A WHILE  ironicly this is the first post of the year i had an alright new year i expected to be intoxicated but next year is a definite but it was fun but  now to bigger stuff i wanna make my life better so i will do that first with emotionally i have been lieing to myself about something and i just need to face facts about somethings and trust i will but i will say this its possible to love more then one person with that said i didnt lie about loveing anybody its just some more then others a new year i sent out i still need to explain everything with everybody  but it will be done pyscially as much as i love smokeing i have to stop not weed but other things me n god had a talk so things should get alil simplerif u dont hear from me i either finnally did it or im growing either death or grow
i pick
its my move

i(dont) know whats missin now

i sit here with a new view on life i take that back i have the same redefined view with minor readjustments for an example since i had the pleasure of tasting the bittersweet poison called alcohol i would like more of it especially with the feeling of being high when im the this drunk/high(on) state i feel bliss even tho hear something say this is very self destructive to u i dc actually in all realities i want it to destroy me for one ill die happy 2 in this state death doesn't scare me (i mean it doesn't normally but in this state the lack of fear is actually amplified to a another state where i welcome death ) n this feels what i been missing in life an escape from this dry reality this sick twisted normality kills me slowly then the poisons i chose to enter my body i haven't thought about suicide until i got back in philly maybe i should live in Delaware and move to nj when im 21 why nj its a new place no one knows me so ill have a reason to ignored then there i would work on my art n escape my mind by doing mind altering drugs then some hard stuff coke crack n etc y because my self destruction brings me pleasure which means one thing everything i just stated is a pacifier in the sense where it doesn't solve or even nullify  the problem  i have just put them in the back burner n outta my mind for a time period fuck  im sick i need some body (a girl) to take care of me i wonder if i use love as a pacifier ???

becoming H.I.M (Happy In my Madness)
self DestructiOn Under Construction (DO U.C )


oh iand by the way if u like these post follow me on bloger if im not mistaken u just need a google account because soon i will block my page untill i feel like opening it back up  so follow or you wont see these ne more

why my love is unattainable

not to everyone else but mainly myself but before i can say that i have to say this. I don't love myself but i love seeking out love to share the love that stays in my heart (maybe because of a surplus of some sort) and when i find someone to love i over love give too much love too fast then when the feeling is not matching  either sabotage or test out their love. When the person either falls my traps of sabotage or no longer wish to be tested,i would wish they didn't leave because i actually love love. Its hard to understand but its a cycle that holds me because i feel like i don't deserve happiness but i am suppose to make everyone happy.(up to this point no more punctuation marks) so if being with me makes you happy ill take it as something anything else besides love because i don't think you should because its not a good choice........ now why don't i love myself i've been bullied like a lot of people in the world but i took everything that was said to be true and convinced myself that i should be ashamed of these certain things sooner then later it was just ashamed to be alive which in turned brought in my suicidal tendencies this along with the fact i was hurting people that said they cared for me and that i cared for it makes the hatred i have for myself multiply and it might sound a lil like im victimizing myself but i really not the mind is one of the easiest things that can be broke so when mines broke i have nothing to do but to go along with it which only decreased the duration of time between the snap so now with a mind that under construction i'm fucking it up more because my heart gets hurt and the mind have to tend to the heart all because i wasn't at 100 % when i loved who ever i cherish every single relationship i had rather it was partner to a lover i cherish it all it seems melancholy well i'm sorry

                               Peace
self DestructiOn  Under Construction (DOUC)

its Christmas?

So I'm typing this on my new tablet I didn't feel like this was Christmas even when  I received and distribute gifts it doesn't have that wonder or splendor that it once possessed before idk if its the fact I'm going though something nothing to serious but still some shit its cool I plan to do something big tho imma make a song called  ruby colored hedgehog  and honeybees its not hard to know who it is about

the next gin of ...

like the x men the next generation will rise now what is this about read between the lines because i wont blatantly tell you  but with an anthropomorphic  pink hedgehog n bumblebee i have been dropped off rammy got a crush im proud of her actually tho shes moving on  but back to the reason the two anthropomorphic life form really dont fuck with my  "good but obviously not good enough ass" im taking to fact that im just that unattractive (its the truth ) oh hey its the voice inside my head where was u (i took a break because i was repressed) by what (your party life) cool i was about to go back to life i need alcohol because sober life is too hurtful n i cant handle it when 21 im getting killing my fucking liver and because this person who dont know the difference between my life and the life i created and yes i will also do drugs n other shit the only time im happy is when im destructive to my self so let the self destruction begin because its something that i need i guess u can say gin will be my new engine nice but its the truth dont judge me im moving on to become an angry alcohol artist who pushes just enough people out of his life to be confided a bad person and you know what thast perfect im not proofreading this till like next year or what ever

amatory rage 2 blog version

dont baby me when i dont want u too then when i need u too u dont want to i honestly dont get girls like y act certain when not needed i want somebody to kick it with n be calm with but yet i am not that lucky i tried to hate love buts its too hard im ugly unattractive unattainable its like i dont give full love when females want i give it at the beginning but they dont deserve or even respect it

mayday!!!

thanks to that band i wanna write so much right now but its 6 in the morning so i really cant but its a Sunday you know its kinda funny what happens to the mind after it took from its element normally ill know its Sunday because my mom was off yesterday and shes going to church today because i worked around her schedule and since im not i dont even realize its Sunday nor Saturday i got so fucked up on thursday it become something like a habit drinking while smoking something i only dreamed about because being high is fun everything is spacey u feel good and wanna chill when u on n if im not mistaken i was more drunk  then high it is increased i felt good i wanted to race i was rapping i was chilling i was alil moody but i had a reason to be but everything else was great in the best part is i remember the good times like a highlight reel like i remember skating racing talking rapping but i dont remember anything in between that i will plan to do this more often alcohol dont even burn nemore i take it like soda but on top of all that i still wish i was in philly or the people in philly was here or whatever it would be better i think but jhene aiko is my baby i love her n she gonna love me everybody probably asking well what happen to wendy i slowly lost contact with her sad face i thought it was special but maybe she was but couldnt be loved like she wanted to be lovebut w.e i wanna be in philly tho but these people here in the ghost zone  r fuvking awesome so laid back n chill n real thats you cant get mad at them neway imma listen to more mayday and jhene aiko 

bui bloggin under the influence

i have no thoughts im just playing pokemon and im going to stop fixing my mistakes with typing in shit but wtf was i talkin about i dont see neverythiing because of the glasses in shit but in koving the glasses fornow n shit so yea im keepin them like absoul or easzy e im likein tbecool look and the vjew dark tint umm i see yakk later becyase u dibt jbiw what in sqyin  ghostt zone

ghost zoned

its crazy how i think im in the ghost zone right now but finding out alot about myself its like im opening up my mind n i might do some more later useing something i wont say what tho but its w.e im keeping thses glasses on my face for a while brcause i dont want people looking at my eyes ineemore it too much guilt but fuck it im do what i wanna do its hard but the voices dont bother me if im trying to do what i want i guess they not so bad but then again i dont maybe they are takin a break i have been drinking  more oftenly n i will drink some more

money art and wars

so i finally had a breakdown with no tears its seems like the closer i get with god the  more i feel attack and i see it like last night i felt something i have never felt before as the gammit of emotion take control of me i listen to music and did something forbidden i wont say what i did but i wasn't suppose to do but with each time it was a rush and high that was controlled by adrenaline and it was addictive because i craved it more and more so i didnt stop but anyway the depression shit has been increased inflated n went though a influx like 10 fold like smiling is rare people ask whats wrong i finnally say bad and after a while it would be dissolved and noone cares but at least this time its different like i finally  told yall so its no longer a secret but neway either way it goes i feel depressed stress and in need of rest not physical one but an .........i dont know im broke and my art is kinda diminishing and it causes wars dont love me oh yeah i just been told that even with all my effort ill  still get thrown under the bus while my friend whos is not interested in love gets it i dont get it why lord when is it my turn im sorry i kinda snapped for a bit n now with everyone knows i can finally becoming H.I.M  if u dont know who is "he" look at my post previously


oh yea i had  a dream about being backstage with ab soul with him proforming in philly and we was smoking and spitting and i asked to be soul brother number 3 and that dream was soo vivid you my cousin naim was in and xo was in shit was crazy im mad it wasnt real ne

the tattoos i wear
are actually tears
that i ripped but also carry with fear
when make one the other disapear
and when the other is gone the other is forever there

how about now

So I got anew phone from this bad ass asian chick I need to text so I can get the website for the new battery n shit but yea I'm just blogging from my blackberry(techniclyim not i send it to my email and copy and paste it on the computer technogy crazy huh ) blog blog blog I got to finsh this song I call it ROADS meaning rambling on a desperation song so once I finish that song that's 4 n I got to do memories (sound of a female) n is  gentlemen ever in season so that's 6 then my song about death n religion. I don't have a clever name for it yet next is a song about careless people in a postive light[to moan in poon (ba] (8) a song about music being a drug then fear (forget everything and react). So that's decadence and i have been feeling pretty depressed lately i try to reach out to people but i cant get the ones that i want my fault blahh  fuckin blah blah i dont fuckling care i covver my ears so i cant hear the nay sayers ugh i need togo the ghost soon if i dont i will snap and im not trying to but i also need amy poetry and rammys presence (you cant wonder why i need all 3 ) i wonder if i get a girlfriend will she have all these quilties (most likely not) but i need someone stable but i wont most likely this is gonna be a long cold fucking winter (so wait the last girl you had 1 only lasted 6 months and was close to 6 months ago smh at you man )so i guess its back to imagination gettin lost in it and let me explain im not begging for love i want companionship with a female so im gonna create it with my mind (SMH) but i guess im done amy is on the phone irony
                               {end transmission}

Sonic the hedgehog is dead

but not by my hands!?!?!?
but by the hands of amy ?!?!?!

crazy shit but its true and you think this is a great day for me but no no where close because of me being next of the bench someone else is now on the floor (WHAT?!!?!?!?!) iknow i thought i was next but no some other nigga is like what the fuck but thats my fault n guess what no more secret ron-day-vooos so im basicly done who would have thought that if my mortal enemy dies ill be dead too... sad day in the hedgehog life guess shadow is dead danny might be brought up just so i could go ghost in the ghost zone i wont even go for ember ill just go for the numbness rammy is elsewhere and lisa is gone completely both of them because of one did and the other basicly commited suicide (emotionlly) umm nothing left to say just bout to be happy in my maddness
happy in (my) maddness
H
I
M
GET IT
                                                   {END TRANSMISSION}

behind da scenes triple k

peep the bars

never look at this directly

i noticed that noone is special but human attachment makes you special just like money if people had no attachment to it it would be nothing but green paper with old dead people on it people are the same like everyone was strangers at first then you grew to know ,care,love a person and now you are in a relationship and with a person you dont wanna "live without" i thought about that awhile ago while listening to the voices they have been more signifcant and more vocal like thats why they speical like that logic but idont care i got to make a 10 song mixtape by dec ?? i will give myself a deadline of the 12th of dec just because i need one i been rapping for a decade 10 years n if it takes another 10 years so the fuck be it because i have a dream AND BITCH IM GONNA LIVE IT  so i lost it for a min but check it im not rushing nothing in life anymore everything is now going to be with  the flow ill make a song about it later nice lil consept omg now i wanna rap n btw mickey factz is motherfucking sick 
peace

my dream well dreams

1. so i was doing a run for my school and i cheated and the finishline was at penn landing (which is not weird ) and its night time (kinda weird) so i was at the finishline then i was approached by a random girl (yes she was white did u mention u have to mention that )  and we had small talk them started making out then a crowd came and we stopped to see what was going on and when i turned around she was gone i tried to look for her in my school which was at penns landing( very weird considering the fact that my school mlk hs is in uptown ) and when i went in it was day time but i can turn around and see the night sky at penns landing (fucking trippy) so i was walking in my distorted school and came acrossed her in the computer room then i woke up

2 it was quicker then the last one i was talking to someone and my aunt told me to come get my son but i was watching my nephew nahjeer at the moment but his dad came and got him and i went to get my son and i got lost around my aunt way ran into to old ladys (don't forget they was white too) and we conversed and out the corner of my eye i saw my aunt house so i like ran there so i can get my son n i saw him in a black and gold stroller and he was the cutest dark skin baby ever


i just wanted to tell them two stories really quick  they was so vivid and i was  actually beliveing i had a son or a white "lover" not the first time i had a dream about me haveing children another time was ember was pregnant with my baby n i moved out to live with her (the baby name was melody genisis tadlock  idc how anyof yall feel about that name )

im scared i dont want to have a child now im only 20 its alot of shit i didnt do yet like take a bunch of mind altering drugs for no reason,have a 3 some,4some,orgy wake up in a place where i dont even remembering being i wanted to do so much stuff so i can get the craziness out my mind ,body then i ll be ready for a baby

this better not be a sign (sigh)


                                                                   {end transmission}

                                          CHAOS CONTROL
                           GOING GHOST
POPPIN PILLS

Charles Hamilton - Epic Fail

i am such a ....

the hook descibe my mood

wendy ceas n sunshine in space

i love that girl i swear
no its not Amy
or rammy
or ember
but....

i notice people dont realise love until its too late and if that isnt sad idk what it. like if someone died what do they get omg i love them soo much imagine if thats a suicide victim it would be worse because if u would have said it when they was alive they would still be alive (hint fiucking hint)but any way ive made a song last night well this morning im gonna make one today in this place i should be job searching but ill push it till tomorrow dont ask why well i only got 33 mins left lately ive had the feeling being amorous   to people but it always back fire the feeling of amatory is killing me (see im showing off a new word i learned BE PROUD OF ME ) anyway i have to make some thing good when i do write im staying here until it closes its gonna be cold as fuck going home oh yea my mood swings are back and hard3r then ever (or it could be just us fucking with you) w.e voice but sanity is no longer promised in my life im to unstable (mentally and emotionally) n how can you control instability ........... exactly and what i will do is show u why im diggin micky factz right now above will be the video heart off his mickey mause project i wanna be on this level I'm hungry I'm tired and uii still got shit to do (25 mins fat boy hurry up )  but im done (..) ok then
well
peace
i love you Wendy like soooooo much

wait so i put it there now and so you will see the video below this sorry

Mickey Factz Presents Mickey MauSe: Heart {Scene 6}

$wace - Triple k

OK this is swace video triple k imma promote it for a few reason one because thats my bro and 2 xo the name dont ever put up tags so with this video swace prob wont eat and we cant have that

dark reasons

have been my logic for so many years its been made by one of my voices in my head inside my head its like my head is a dark room (matrix) and many people in this room(voices) and many doors(opportunities /option) i have to pick one in the dark only by what the people say some times they scream some times they quiet and sometimes they repeat some times they say it once but however everyone of them talk and you can tell when they agree because ill be more determined to do something then ever before but thats kinda rare some one always gotta disagree and make me confuse and people thing i can persuade them what do you thing these people can do way worse and even persuade others in my head its gettin crazy but its nice to see im evolving a lil more the final solution is not finished however it wont be until i die do anyone wanna know what it is straight forward ? well its basically the idea of having people by your side and thinking the way you do on certain subjects that when you die either your memory or your ideals will live on (ill give you some examples:hitler,pac,biggie,warhol, basquait etc) so final solution is not just suicide but way to change the world positively(or negatively) also i have been having bad dreams a lot lately and they are very vivid i want the music dreams that cooly pac and ch had lucky its gives them confirmations about music i dont know if i should do poetry  or painting or drawings or movies or photogrophy the art word is to vast so i know i wont be stuck in just one sub genere of it but still is rapping for me can i get that same joy i had as a teen now that im growni need  to reavulate my choices about music umm i have some time to think about it but it will be thought about. LOVE,LUST,LOST now put a "will be " between them 3 words  and by the way i hid my heart if someone cared or even wanted to know its no longer in my chest those on the hunt good luck with finding it mwhaaa (evil laugh)wahhhaaa
                                                {end transmission}
 
                             CHAOS CONTROL

             GOING GHOST

ive lost rammy

its crazy its the 4th time i made someone cry with my actions of being myself or at least let them in to my mind  n i only have 5 girlfriends well had so its safe to say its me i think i need to be away from people for awhile people just dont get me im gonna do operation destroy and rebuild and if you wanna know what it is just hope the library gives me extra time i wanna leave now but i dont have  Internet anywhere else so fuckit my heart hurts figuratively and literally i can only help it one way confession: you know how someone with tattoos say its addictive well my cuts are like that its been times where my arms have been just been begging me to get a knife and just cut them but i cant the few things that makes me happy cant help since now pressure of perfection have been thrown into the mix my phone is broke im broke my mp3 bout to die and basically i cant put no more music on it im alone im questioning existence like do i need to be (kinda i think you do but i can tell you why) well, inner voice inside of me that i put in parenthesis  how can i find out (idk man idk im just as lost as you) i wanna go to nj for some reason i wanna go i wanna leave idont know where just somewhere like anywhere but here (but we cant leave we have "thing we have to do") inner voice you know as well as i nothing is staring to matter (right ) ok then so why should i care about the "things we have to do" (man you got off topic like a fothermucker might as well just wrap it up) ok


IM GONE


                                                        {END TRANSMISSION}

self loathing at its finest people

i don't even know why im writing this (because remember i have to be smiley faces all the time) but i kinda have to i am a 20 year old who is a. jobless b.houseless c.broke d.carless e.not in school now every last one of these things can be fixed not that hard to do but yet they not idk i don't have that ambition that i use to do them. maybe because im not forced or i want to prove people wrong but i cant get by on my dashing good looks for long i have to rise up and take that test for ccp so i can get into school the job thing can come after but here's another thing that fucks me up a social life. ok ever since i was younger i didn't really have a social life per say but once i got older and more social able i attained one and i guess you can say its a sacrifice but im not ready to make that sacrifice i want to have fun so maybe ill focus on either a job or school because a job can help my social instantly with the money and the what not gives me more things to do where school would help me in the long run with the degree and such so its just a matter of what i want  now or later i have to give myself a deadline with out stressing myself out how about before thanksgiving i have to make a choice or what i could do is leave it to fate/god like ok im gonna focus on getting a job if i get one before thanksgiving i have my choice if i don't then in the spring ill be going to ccp i like that plan  that way ill be taking a

incorrect

perfecting perfection perfectly produce pessimism
im living through a prism
see me then you dont multi color leave
like the Autumn leafs
i fall with the breeze
and i move like the bees
and then im calm like the seas
but ultimately i go with the flow
i dont know what for but hey i still go
i do what i like i live carefree
im not trying to stress because its harmful to me
mentally
detrimental to my heath
destructive to my wealth
and the well being of someone else
meanwhile
i do what i want at my own time
because its my mind
and if everyone accepts that ill be fine
now you tell me why am i incoorect tell me right now what was inccorect .....i want to know so i can corrct and put my pessimism back in check

hold up this is my 13th post on the 31st (cool) and its in october so because of that no more october post after this one so if i have something to say it would be added on this one anyway im still in delaware a nice lil mini vacation i can chill with the nagging in philly but i would have to go back home eventually but until im gonna enjoy my time down here but check it tho i made it a lil habit to go to sleep a lil buzz somehow all while i was here the people here are so fucking cool they are just good people and shit and they just wanna live life if it was more people like that in philly wouldnt my circle of friends would be huge but its not most people in philly are only in love with money i think ill go to nj next cheeck that place out  for now the phantom is out back into the ghost zone
peace

my worst enemy

is me tbh but when i try to give an option on why i am its a bad thing i have two type of people in my the complete hero then the complete villain i dont wnt them to merge but noooo everybody wants me to merge them to so i guess its smiley faces every thing else is now staying in my mind so no one will be in  the matrix any the fuck more  you cant handle and (if ) when i kill my self you will find out either was i a mryter or the greatest villain ever  i take that back i don't even know if ill kill myself it would hurt more if y'all kill me the final solution  is now expanded its not just suicide anymore nope just smiley faces and happiness just smiles and happiness..........smiles

back in the day shit

im in delaware

and a storm is comming i bet not one friend will find out if im ok  oh and btw unless necessary no more fb post just on here n btw if the final soultion goes on without a hitch i dont want any one to hurt themself in any way shape or form that would be my dying wish respect it

operation shadows sucide

so i know i havent said it but i have been trying to end it all for a while im unhapy with the life and under great amount pressure so with this party i plan to get alchol posining n od or what ever but it failed because im alive to tell the tale but this is not the only time im a true this this month or year i just want to be happy even if im dead i feel like a bad person and if noone loved me that would make soo much sence shit i dont even like me let alone love me im make this short im dying slowly nside and my phone died like it fell in the toliet so i gotta get a new phone again

116-

so check it right im with amy like right now n not to long before this nigga sonic called and they talked to each other on some nice stuff so its like i was in the middle im not the 3rd wheel im more of the 2nd bike and you have to respect that he got her im more of the thrill ride that be on the side but its a tad different amy dont want me neither but i dnt want her with him hes not right hes boring old history but us we have cheminstry (ohh imight make a song about this )  shadow the hedgehog wont take this laying down he would rather figure out  aplan to make them come together(worse nightmare on the best night ) or make shadamy (perfered plan but prob wont happen ) or just continue to lead this life of a the best sideline ever but its cool either way nuff said its up to amy                   -end transmisson-                                                                                                                                                                                  CHAOS CONTROL

with my type of mind

like people better tread softly because if i dont care about if i live or die why wouldi care about you dying thats more of towards the people i consider my enemies  i said either i save alot of souls or take alot with me when i leave its alot to account to this so caled "random" age but i wont name one 1. cause im on the bus 2. i dont feel like gettin more angry ........maybe i should be homelss because there is nowhwere i call home just places i lay my head

5: 23 (wait i noticed the time is wrong on my blog. why??)

ember ,romona, amy = the only3 that seem to matter ill explain it because iwant to put it on the blog the pics i downloaded they fit so well. but one person i believe will always be a lisa miller (a friend  who just tease) like whats the point and other one i called lisa miller have changedon me drasticly like we dont even talk any more this was my best friend best fucking friend (maybe my crush on her fucked it ) and i feel sometime of way about it because like wtf changed ugh but my emotions have been running wild lately mainly love n hate people dont know whats its like to be at the extreams of both sides like i do i want love and i would do everything for it even sacrfice things and i never get it as soon as i say im gonna reain single i get nothing but attention yall cant do that to me im emotionally unstable and mentally dependent on my emotions (i want food) it will have me confused and easily put me on the dark side (starting to feel tired) oh yea shadow got fixed (yay!) i missed him so much i was riding it gave me freedom i cant wait to ride again (hunger and tired is a bad mix ) ive been listening to mickey factz alot that guy is sick i swear he is quickly rising up in the ranks of artists who influence me (bacon eggs anc cheese with toast and hot coco and sleeping with a big conforter and sweatpants) listening to l.e.s by childish gambino and im thinkin about awkward black girl and her relationship with white jay n now i want something like that(wait is love all you think about like focus on music) iben trying to make new songs and the only songs that comes out are songs about females(thanks alot mickey fothermuckin factz -_-)i mean i can do other kind thats something i perfer for now at least i really dont mind because i know in about a month or two its not gonna be like this (stop lying you gonna belike this all winter ugh this is gonna be a long season) wait its 6 well 5:52 already jeez i guess im going (yea right you gonna go down stairs and get something to eat like now because we are hungry) to sleep .........peace (finally )

fuck it all

ok i said my family only would care if my soul hover and to all my lovers they can find another and my sister got another brother and my dad dont even want contact with my mother......my friends could stop it but they would finnaly profit because what typeof rap group could make it with a fat black kid who tryn be gothic and with the skate tricksi wasnt sick so with me it wasnt even a topic so they drop it  andmy  females friends im no where close to a goood bestie because i s0pend most of the time think yall was sexy  i anit shit i think i got them every human i come in contact with  im a human mutherfujckin cancer who might have cancer and it might be a sucide bioweaponary suicide  the best kind  ......the best fuckin kind

a poem i made

KNOW THIS
i havent felt like this in a while
look at me
try to feel what i feel
i feel nothing
am i suppose to
its like i depleted everything
nothing is left but fumes
and ashes
the ashes come from the tobacco
i use to pacify me from the stressful
things i put up with
my bags are packed I'm ready to go
i tell you to reflect me
because i feel you beat me to it
did my kisses mean anything
did my words mean anything
did my actions mean anything
did my attempts mean anything
but if they did we wouldn't be apart
separated
split up
dispersed
unrequited love is a bitch
so ill match you and you match me
and feel neutral
but only you can make me stay
let the pain affect you and ill drop my bags
but until then
BYE

air + water= windy seas..

i swear it would make sence but let me say the water is venus if anyone wanted to know but check itout so much on my mind i wanna write but i cant i have a test i should be studing for i have not picked up that book once well i did butit  was for a lil while  yo back to the subject windy seas meaning something violent angry n dangerous but it could mean peaceful and perfect weather i never said how  much wind i just said wind so it could be something tropical but its whatever people really dont want it to be like that mybe they are right maybe it shouldnt but then again ........ugh why the world gotta zodiact like that (brandun deshay thank u) dont touch me if you dont need me dont want me ifyou anit gonna keep me dont say love if you anit gonna try it and dont break it if you anit gonna buy it im done......peace

memorabilia

a neckless ,keychain,a hug ,akiss ,a shirt ,  hoody anything ..............................you ever feel like you cant find something or someone that brings peace in your life well you are not alone. now lets get this str8 this is not me complaining but ive been on a quest for peace(superman?) /art for a while and im about to go around phily and take pictures of humn interaction (real human interaction they wont know that im there or taking a picture of them) because ive seen some beautiful stuff. the mom at the busstop with her child as the child talks her head off about school and shes sitting there with a smile or the father who is teaching his child how to ride a bike or two people walking hand and hand down the street or just a person in front of something can be art that what i like about it art is not limited to the rich we can (in most times do)make it everyday now on a personal note i hope it doesnt rain today (its 430 wens) becuse i have plans i wish would be fufilled (sigh) well i would keep bloggin but i have to finish watching the basquiat movie (the documentary) and maybe find something to eat..........well peace                                               wait hol up i didnt use the title i never wanna b forgoten by anybody who met me or came in contact with me thats a fear of mine now i can say peace after an elipse......peace

heart start beatin like a drum when i see ya

i want to say im n love but im not but i do feel love forreal as i layin my bed listing to briana latrise i think about a cold night and people hanging out or making out or both i love the cold as a couple and if i get a night like that (or should i say a night like that again ) it would be a perfect type thing idk what it would be i just know i would love it idk why im way more affectionate in the cold but i am i wanna be held as i hold i wana kiss when im being kissed its just something about the fact that passion can literally heat us up hold it right there my eyes are getting heavy my fall wishlist a romantic type night or whole day just the cold and a lover of my choice (insider) peace