well i havent been here in a while (wipes off dust)

well i have been practicing meditaion and basicly tryna find new music and work but me and xavin broke up i forgot to mention that because it wasnt something i was gonna mention i was real distrught about it ....at first at least but then i realise we really just dont do well together in a realtionship people always believe its someone fault not always sometimes people dont sync well with other it happens but you would think im single well im not now my new girl is not a rebound and xavin is not forgotten  but i have been mediatation  and tryna get some peace in my life ive been cutting more just letting people know its fall/winter which means for me artistic month so ive been doing more new age things and such idk i guess i dont have too much to say but im gonna be talking about things

peace i guess

a new type of darkness

As it seems when im around im thinking about my life when i am alone however its deep reflection and a lil time alone has came to the conclusion that i  do not deserve life heres why : as social as i am i only one thing and thats a clown im there to entertain to  make people life not to be respected. I can honestly say maybe (a big ass maybe ) music aside my friends dont respect me. you know what people say when i ask them why they liked me "your smart and funny" oh thats nice a kevin hart Einstein and im sure kevin gets respect in less then half a decade he rose from a relative noone (we knew about him for a while now {adjust hipster glasses}) to a superstar that just the mention of his name people think of eddie murphy and richard pryor. what hustle i have not one and i know "i gotta go out there and get one . noone gonna do it for you . things dont just fall in your lap " understandable but even with that people laugh at kevin hart because he tries to be funny he wants to be funny hell he need to be funny but me its accident im a jester a fool. where did this come from welll i have noticed it at a friend's game night. im pretty sure noone said " man that guy funny because hes funny " im pretty sure its " thats guy is funny but im pretty sure i dont want to be with him " see heres the thing to all the girls who think being with for a few hours are unsuffable imagine 24/7 thats what i gottta what i gotta handle n i know if i get on my own nerves sometimes then i know i get on people  nerves. but its something i gotta handle alone right ........right ? (always got me ) i know man but sometimes its not enough i think alil  deep and notice people want me there for them  but noone for me (then when "something happens"  its " omg when you didnt call me why didnt you tell me " i did you just didnt listen ) they dont get that though they dont under stand the consequence of they negligence

THE PILGRIMAGE OF FLOWERS

SKRRRRRUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLL

im gonna be soooo alone

last year around this time i was in delaware with ember (not about her tho shes not important right now) but swace n xo was in nyc . this is time they left again and i have no where to go. cooly is a father whos in school so i doubt he would have time juan have a step son a job and see his girl on his days off n now where to go this time i have xavin but she has school and job n untill spring thats when i start my school but till then i got noone to hang with n be with (but hey thats whats weed tobacco alcohol is for )  right

misantropic nihilism

because the general dislike or mistrust for humans and the ideal of believing that life have no meaning. knowing this its not hard to see why i said what i said about killing people. however doesnt make them right . and the whole thing was more of an "humans have been currupted by powerful people in charged who has been currpted by power and have lost their general basic  human emotion ie love compassion sympathy so they didnt deserve their lives" type thing . not right neither but at least itsnot blind rage  n i know i am flawed but this is why im doing it.like the angel who destoryed solem an gommor(didnt spell that right) it needed to be done  now once again not right but its just thoughts. and thats the thing they are just thoughts bot good thoughts but thoughts none the less nothing is solid or have been put in motion  or even been plan to put in motion or even planed to plan to put them in motion just thoughts and ideas.crazy thing is while looking at my problems i see im a fucking baby i want assist from a female to love me and hold me and tell me it will be ok (the world /my issues) but  noone would do that everyone hav etheir one life my first response was not to tell people because its nothing they can do about it but i get confortable with people and beceome a n open book ne way my body is tired but my mind wont let me go to sleep i guess im not sleeping tonight well today

dream crashers

If u read my blog you would know I like dreams I should study it ember was in my dream  idk y I moved on she have too so y in mu dreams I visited her but my dreams have been vivid when I do sleep I have a slight sleep disorder staying up until 6 n them some but I have been feeling unusually lonely n have no idea why imean xavin do talk to me everyday then whata the problem maybe it the friend leaving thing that I'm still not over not able to record or smoke or vent have had me think about ( maybe I did already) and drinking not gonna write a lot n btw in speaking of ember I wa s thinking bout delaware a lot maybe its the freedom I had there the smoking drinking rapping fornicateing it was a unhealthy paradise maybe I need one here I need something because cutting is no longer work( or I just need to cut harder )

my dreams

y the hell was ember in my dreams we had closure and now she is going to school kinda crazy its alot of bs xavin is getting a job n school (good for her) juan already got a job (good ) cooly is in school swace n xo go job corps( good for them) and me ? im waiting for a job to call me back nothing falls in place like it will i bet the girl gonna say she got fired so she cant help me or the job is now filled or some other biull shit (see what happens when you place your faith in mare humans they dont care )don t say that some do just not all (keep telling yourself that when everyone living their life and you are homeless no handouts for u ) so what do u think i should  do (say fuck them all now ) i cant now (just do it soon before its too late because it bad enough u dependent on these funky ass humans )

did i move too fast ???

[imean xavin was part of a group called 'the runaways' should that be a sign i might be overthinking this but it] i understand thats how we cope we think alot even when its not no reason to [yea but is that alil suspicious] what [the fact is she getting upset all of a sudden could that be a new way to break up to less the blow for the breakup-er ] i get it but elaborate [ok if i get mad at you and blame you for stuff sooner or later my feelings for you will decrease and when they get low enough i break up with u with no remorse] like catching a pokemon [EXACTLY like catching a fucking  pokemon] but you dont believe that do u [hopefully not but that's the flaw with overthinking you really cant control whats being thought about or the thoughts itself] shes not that malicious [ok ,if you say so im just saying just a thought]

so wait wait im dating the xavin version of my L.O.E.E

basically now if you dont know who xavin is read more comics but to spear you the time xavin is a skrull.whats a skrull? a skrull is an alien race that comes from the fantastic four universe now the most famous one is kl'rt n he is a super skrull. Now a super skrull is a product of biological engineering now what they do that makes them speical is have all the powers of the fantasic 4. Now back to the point xavin is a super skrull the reason why i said this is because thats is how my gf is. The intelligence of romona , the conversation skills of amy , silliness of ember and the need of jean grey. Now do this means shes perfect not necessarily you see i mention this before[in j3tt love life right] right. I said what would happen if they all combine it could be the best or the worst thing that happen. I dont really know since 1 we still in the realtionship  2 we started not that long ago so because of that its hard to determine the outcome but heres what i will say if she fails my list will be complete and i can finally release it but if she some how take all the crap i throw at her it will be real weird for the league
 or
 would it ?????????????
idk
still waiting on death tho [idont even know why nemore ]

its been awhile

people said ive been depressive so i came off the blog for a while but its been a month im not going to job corps i was trying to go allied barton but they fucking with my e mail emotional ? ive been whimping does that answer your question ive been rocking back n forth on my bed whimping im tired nmow i feel bad now but im tired of talk while noone listening so this will b e another time i wont be back on this

this is nothing as I sit here listening ghost city by ch I wonder if I can even go as far to give up

life has its moments ....sometimes

then again it  doesnt Gothic /emo carving is all that i have to look forward too i tapped out on the uneasiness of life to become a Gothic poet 'erdna ' idk maybe the influence ch has on me have influence me greatly im alone only with the main voice in my head that i talk to we walk philly n really dont care about anything that happens i need new music on my phone hopefully i can get my phone fixed most likely i wont i want to find a hideout where i can be free from the world n not deal with the strees or bs that i do put up with fuck the fbi they might be reading this i want them to come kill me make me a motherfuckiung target tired of this shit no longer mad or anger just waiting on death to take me out on a date then rape me take me passionately in her arms n tell me it will be ok as she rides me furiously n when we done we will get married n ill truly be happy so go ahead n lust for life ill be in love with DEATH







waiting for u to take my breath away baby..............

im gone

i have a plan of leaving im only telling my blog because this would be the last place they look even tho its on my facebook page meetme twitter instagram and pof profile if im not mistaken but nope even with the free promotion and word of mouth through me its not a secret at all and i don't treat it like such but no one listen fuck em all if u just now reading this blog FUCK YOU seriously i ve told everyone close or far from about this damn page so maybe i could receive some help but no help was ever given so im leave my house on Sunday and refuse to come back where would i go idk nor do i care Sunday im suppose to go to a game night so hopefully ill drink to much because alcohol will be provide and ill have poisoning but yall mother fuckers think im playing im not making it to next year im surprise im still here breaking the pact i made with my self last year that i would end it Christmas new years or my birthday the 3 events passed and im still the fuck here fuck job corps i dead ass didnt want to go its one of those you gotta do what u gotta do type things fuck electricity idgaf about how that works but in this corrupt ass world you need the poison that people fight die and bleed for ;money i just wish the world works based on talent or skill not fucking degrees and other bull shit man made accolades so retards can pat their self on the back and say i did something great no the fuck you didn't i don't deserve my diploma i didnt deserve it i didn't do my best in hs you know why because im lazy as fuck but have skill intelligence and potential to be the best but noo its handled to the people who can sit in class copy notes pass test n they are proclaimed smarter because they did something thats routine how is that far its not but thats not why im leaving i just had a moment i had to get out im leaveing because i dont fucking like this fucking world the fucking things in this fucking world and the fucking people in this fucking world are the fucking sheep that leads to slaughter ill admit some are not but most the fuck are its like i dont even wanna die nemore my desire for death is still apparent but i wanna die and my soul goes in a capsule to be never released again no thoughts no feeling just nothing thats exactly what i want to happen but no i get judged on what i do and depending on how strict god is ill be in hell or heaven for eternity thats a long ass fucking time i feel like ill probably go to hell tho i have alot of malicious thoughts and alot of malice in my heart its not my fault tho i was brought up with it and to those who say i use my up bringing as a safety net FUCK YOU again because its not a person upbringing determines alot of decision options choices etc in the persons life my eyes are done looking my ears are done listening the only reason why i was living was because love but even that hurts to the point where you want to kill your self and one person should not have that much power of another especially if it came from such a necessary because we need love to survive it was a study on as humans we need love the only emotion we NEED and beautiful emotion but as i run my hands through my locs n just wonder how many people are gonna find this whos gonna find what would they think and i say to them if they wanted to know my read the rest of the fucking blog .....fucking bastards



peace

j3tt's blizzi love life

(but he doesnt love life ) haha ready (yea) ok first was tia(do you wanna count that ) yea (but she cheated on you for your best friend ) so did angel (forgot all body our lil freaky ass white chick) next it was Brianna (haha the names repeated for you ) i know that's crazy (she was freaky back then tho i wonder i how she is now )probably a mom (yea but a milf tho ) any way next it was Jocelyne (Felisha: crazy ass bitch )but she did love us (yea but she was bad for us ) like most of the others (almost forgot she took that v card ) i know I'm mad because of it after that was Katie ( peach :she wanted to be rescued hard ass shit but she also loved us ) as i said for here on they all loved us but was just wrong for us next was Shirley (ember : that girl) i know (she fucking dropped us hard as shit ill say she caused the most pain out of the league and for that matter all of the girls un official included )yea she was .... (skip it next ) Brianna (Romona the smart beautiful she has a friend vibe to her tho) oh in the best way possible (of course but mecca(Amy fn rose) yup (another girl who has a friend vibe we can stand to be around her for more than a few hours ) which is hard for us (true ) lastly Kendall(the dark Phoenix  her name fits her perfectly she happy then its like an anger i wish not to go through ever the fuck again) and we wouldn't have to  (would u do any of them again ) you mean we don't forget you played a part to my mans (you was about to say nigga n idk if they fix their flaws ) what was Amy and Romona flaws (you know Romona acted like a mom ) i did hate that (and Amy one don't want us )true (and she never have time ) yea its sad if you could all of them together could be the best (or the worst thing ever) and now we would try to do the iteralrun time of them all go

Felisha :dec 2008to may 2009
peach: nov09 to may 10
ember:june 10 to jan 11
Romona:mar11 to aug 11
Amy: jan12 to jun 12
Kendall: apr13 to may 13

again again

i know somebody gonna hear me my mp3 player is broken so i have to use my phone (dont get in to it they probably wont get it )but its to me  but ....(shhhh just dont go in to ) what about toda...(dont) so its nothing

i think music is now overrated

ash said he would stop if it feels like a job and it does im too hard nothing is complex enough but when it is i have to dumb it down i know i have to find a middle ground and it can be acchived but im tired of this change shit because nooone feels me but whatever im talking to a girl she a go getter like really but idont think we gonna mesh im too much of a bum idk whatever idc im in idle while not nemore but im not active i got high bymyself before and felt so good (yea we was chilling hard as shit making jokes and shit we was tripping )then we do we feel down (maybe because we still living) meaning ? ( remeber when we said we would commit suicide on the earthstrong)yea (well we didnt we still living we was only living for that day and since the world is still spinning we feel incomplete and  unfiinished your want to fo home and get the 99 bananas? yes (trust they gonna read all this when we gone nnoone cares now for a reason )

5 since 21

i got wasted on my bday n been buzzed or fucked up ever since n idc i dont see ne reason to be sober i have looked back at my love life and let me say no im not happy  felisha amy ember romona peach  and dark phoenix(finnally the whole league ) ive hurted them and been hurt by them shit ive been hurt the un official exes (sedearny) btw its 3 ppl also with that in mind i no longer want feelings every time every FUCKING TIME I FALL I LOVE I END UP ALONE (sorry folks hes kinda mad right now ) LIKE IM NOT PERFECT BUT GOD DAMN IM GOOD ENOUGH SHIT WITH ALL THE BULL SHIT I PUT UP WITH THESE FEMALE AND THEIR PERIODS AND MOOD SWINGS (look whos talking ) AND ALL THEIR FEMALES PROBLEMS AND THEN THEIR PERSONAL PROBLEM JUST BULL SHIT  SO I WOULD SAY IM DONE WITH LOVE BUT (probably cant commit to it) IMMA GEMINI AND A LOVING  PERSON SO I KNOW I CANT (told you) BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS ................BLACK AND MILD AND 4 LOKOS (lol) IM DEAD ASS JUST WAIT TO DIE NO LONGER A REASON TO GO BUT I WONT BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN MY OWN DEATH (so you gonna live life to the fullest aka reckless until death .........)YEAH( fuck yes lets get turned up tonight ) OF COURSE LIVE LONG AND PROSPER  TO ALLWHOS NOT ME  "everybody somebodys everything nobody's nothing " yea right

5 more till 21

rihanna is my wifey again :) she agree and now it s me and robyn my princess from Barbados wait...... nvm its over again damn ri ri stop playing with my emotions i want you but anyway  i have a 3rd unoffical  (SE)(DEAR) (NY) SEDEARNY omg i have insiders with myself but i will tell some people but if u no me u can already get it but it could be me just thinking to far out the box to be comprehended by most people sad to say this but it has to be said but anyway im going home on Wednesday kinda excited imma see my sister off on prom n shit you cant nice to some people (sorry that was random thought from me) ne way imma end it here my vibes been killed

21 in 9 days

nothing can compared to the anticipation i feel for this day 21 years old i got my shades so i can see in a darker tint have i been depressed in small doses i need one more to complete my league of evil exes i wonder whos gonna fill that 7th spot will she be the last one ???? or will she just add to the exes???? i missed sooo many proms send offs(is that what they called) like i was suppose to see amys (im sorry again) honey bees(sorrrryyyy ) and my friend patra is having a baby girl but i missed hers too but she didnt tell me im in Delaware now i was doing yard work (its hot as hell up here ) but i missed xo listening party i love how when i leave everyone wanna be doing something but when i come back its gonna be all quiet and boring i hate people soo much i wanna smoke and drink now like so bad i want that feeling of euphoria
euphoria euphoria

EUPHORIA

nothing is wrong

But being wrong is nothing but human see the thing nobody wants to open up due to the risk of being judged and that's the worst feeling to be put under the spotlight. And why wouldn't it be (so are trying to tell us that u have all these profound thoughts but yet no song you irk my motherfucking soul fatboy) ok neway as I was saying (noone wants to hear you shit maybe only like one person u can tell something to and she an ex )who icy amy(if that's what u wana call her)but what thhat gotta do with anything (how long have u knew her)well ill say for about a year(let's go down the list real quick it was the virgo and the capicorn then ember aquitik then romana next amy and lastly trinity) yes and (and how long was that)I guess since 11th grade so I guess 4 years(6 gfs in 4 yrs and you wonder why you not stable u wanna listen to danny brown then micky facts then ch then joebudden then absoul then )so what are u saying (you are not fucking stable u need to sit the fuck down and just stick to one you wanna listen to us then yourself like wtf you probably won't live in the ghost zone nemore )ok you went you to far.........retry y/n

my heart stops

N my head continue I feel like a vegetable I feel empty alone scared mistreate d n unwanted because of this I believe I am I want a hug n some one to hold me n say it all right that false confirmation will lift my spirts if not only for a lil bit I feel dirty there is a new dajnny phantom I have to accept that I wish I could have still been dannybut I can't be I see nothing good yet even tho not to long ago I was on cloud 9 but I (post incomplete )retry y/n

trinity v ember aquatic

One wants to save me while I want to save another a sad lil cycle but that's my life love is an word that can be used as a verb and a noun you can love someone and have love for someone and yet with the same words this is a big difference I see nothing ann I of all people should know that its a hard thing to balance out and I'm learning how to the only thing the twin and voices are saying is (man up n move on you have a trinity so livewith that) but ifi {post incomplete} {retry? y/n}

thisis the result of being socialable

You care about other people feelings rather u like it or not s back to caring but destroying myself instead of just destroying others feeelings it hurts less I was about to change it but no let the self destruction continue

words that so called descibed me

wallflower,hipster,bohemian,hippy,freethinker,beatnik,new age thinker,weirdo,differenter all these labels i take it as way to live but i forgot some:writer,rapper,artist,smoker,mc,lover,pothead,knowledge seeker and etc so think about something before u say something something short for now listening to slaughterhouse

next generation

so I love romona I'm enternly in her debt but it is possible for u to love somone and not be with them I have also learned inlife its possible to love multiple people at one time it scary to think like this now since I been single for so long but it whattevr learnn to livce with it roll with the punches like i do everybody trys to tell me that i anit worth shit anmd that i dont have a problem im just lazy and dont resonbilty this maybe but its not something is wrong but yall dont know at all u never will untill u ask and i will say go to my blog buyt no obvsously im saying lies but me coving up these so called "lies" will be actual lies so i decide to shut up (again)yes again to focus onj art im going to delaware for awhile to do a sabatcal if i find my tablet fuck all who oppose

we tried warning all of you

(But now its time for us to do what we have to do he starting to believe us when we told him that none of y'all really care but its fine we have him now y'all had one job and every last one of you have failed anyway we have a self destruction and reconstruction to host y'all have no to blame but yourself thanks again)

would you believe

I'm not upset however I was high for the past days but I wanna get fucked up Saturday I might I wanna go somewhere my poetry is getting way more potent I like that I haven't really been happy alone tho the more I talk to people the more depressing being alone feels like I really am dependent on people but push people away smh imma write a poem tonight or a few maybe a song idk

list of favorites

painter:Keith harring rapper:mickey factz, Charles Hamiltion, Lupe fiasco,joebudden,absoul (couldnt pick one) candy:twizzlers chocolate:Resses band:Nerd,gorillaz,Korn, pod (couldnt pick one) food:pizza color:black singer:frank ocean,the dream,neyo,prince,chrisette michele,Jill scott(you no why) marvel hero:deadpool DC:batman movie:love jones,brown sugar, Basquiat, interstate 60,forrest gump(oh eat shit if u didnt get it yet ) Nfl team:steelers but eagles due to city NBA team: heat , bulls and sixers due to city books:the love dictionary Graphic novel:Scott pilgrim chips:hot fries cakes:birthday cake Vgame:UMVC3,SFXT,saints row 1-3,super mario 64, mario party1-4,pokemon all i cant think of anymore right now if i do they would be on the updadted list

real quick 5 mins and counting

well its reallty 6 and judgement day is cooming not for the world {wll idk } but for me im dying i can feel it something was told to me that kinda took me off guard and could change my life as i know it i will now let the voices take over (well as listening to new ch there is nothing we can do to fix this body or shell or home what ever thisis that holds us we can try to fix it but its really up to yall who care we beileve yall really dont but he do so his hope is what keep him he didnt really put his trust in us yet completely but do what yall have too or we will take over e=nuff said )

sitting in the dark listening to incubus

Nothing can compare to this this is a unpleasant bliss that I have to deal with smoke and feel free for at least the time being but how long is to long I wanna go back but no I can't I don't really want to be bothered by any body I just don't unless you plan to help

j3tt vs the world

So I have an envy Knives Kim And a Lisa Miller And since ramona is the girl of his dreams and I haven't had anyone that magical and last we heard they still together since I'm single I don't have a Ramona which means one thing I can finally start this mixtape I'm listening to solange song losing you Its so nice and lovely but it has a party upbeat tempo to it the song is simple nothing about it says complex its just so damn contradictory that I can't help but to like it nothing like her sister music but it could be like something that destiny child would do its like refill nothing really special but goddamn it u can't stop listing to it excuse me I went to go listen to her two other songs that many people know I decided and sandcastle disco and now listening to losing you it clear solange is more diverse then her overrated sister Beyonce can out sing her yes but musically solange is just better because its something unlike Beyonce whjo is stuck OK n that dying genre called rnb kinda sad then again she had chances anyway my favorite band is now a 3way toss up between korn nerd and gorilaz besides korn they all genre hop now listening to locked away they have music you wanna preform while korn does also it s more anger or sorrow well kinda upset now bout to sneak in my step mom wine alcohol is alcohol IDC what y'all say I'm gonna be a fucking alcohol who's gonna stop exactly

diamond encrusted halo

My daughter is right now have no potential mothers but she gotta be born with the perfect woman for me but idk if she exist but I know she does I want her now who ever she is come find me babe your child and your husband is waiting but until then everyone is just a gf until u change into the perfect one

space distance

Space cosmically synchronized With stars that seem small in size Because we are far but it wouldn't be wise For us to believe in empty lies Distance don't make the heart fonder Or stronger Just make the time spent apart longer First time away maybe was an issue Second time away no longer need a tissue Third time away reality finally hits u That you will have to survive off of "I miss u" Love can grow to a place where certain things won't matter So if they too far too old too young the love still won't shatter Those who disagree gave up and its pathetic Because love will only go that far if u let it :-)

unable to reconstruct not stable yet

As I sit in Barnes and Nobel I think about everything this year had to offer which is crazy is the fact it feels like it is anew year like last Monday was January 1st it was the longest fucking week ever since I don't really Sleep at all I try to incorporate more people in my life to make it not seem like the rut it is I don't want to come here every day or just whatever its a few anomaly well I don't think that's the word but its a lot of aquaious that I know I don't know why I have to be the most weird person ever I'm sorry just a thought I am ready to break down but can't bring myself to tears I'm no longer telling people they don't care well Nicole I thank her but the rest not even a how u doing but its cool closed casket cause I might take a shot to the face club 27 newest member right here

charles hamilton at 6 in the fucking morning

I have done an sucessfull e9xperiment abput scents and it can trigger flashback slightly and give you the same feeling and thought I just picked the wrong era the fall era of '12 I'm learning a lot of things about me I spent the whple day in the bookstore instead of bothering people imma. Try to see if people bother me (something to write about fatty fatty2x4) maybe I should I just need a beat I mightwrite today why the hell am I upso early (I can't hear you lalala I'm ccovering my ears lalala I can't hear you lalala if you hatingon me these nigga got me seeing red and I'm c and pink can u see what in my head ) seltcive deafness I told my so called best friend I was going to nj and never comeback she said she don't care her exact word why do i. Surround myself with people whodont care imma do it one day. I wonder who would look for me or who woudl just continue I had a a fantasy that I went and hung out with a group of broke misfits who did drugs and I had a gf who kept tryna stop me then I would go from her house to the studio then the streets with my friends then everyday I get kivked out then I work my way in n we have sex she loves me but frustrusted she can't control me n then itssame thing for awhile (that's sound awesome) I know (we should try it ) we can't (why ) well we don't know if things can be that smooth (fuck you right ) iknow I am so we stuck here don't worry(I know we've all noticed u back in your fantasy world welcome back)

post valentine post

Today I fell back with syd da kid my lil dyke lover omg I want her and she wants me I'm waiting syd wainting for us but it really the art of words i m give rap a break andwrite more poems idk why maybe it the face with poems you focus on the words and not the flow or delavery or even punchlines (so no pressure) basiclly but its 450 and I was juat slowly airair grinding to janet jackson anytime (I guess they wanna know a out the sex thing) well my libdio just builds day by day the person who blow this firecreaker might lose an arm(.........why the fuck u say that) I'm sorry but I'm serious and the incident that happen the 13 well tbh I was very very very depressed more depressed then I ever been om not going in to spefics(that's spelt wrong and don't if u didn't help u don't know too bad and one person and that person was thanked) sad day but its in the past imma workout gett my body just make people envious of me imma get job get my own crib(or atleast a car ) but I wanna ask if someone iso"specal" why neglate them? That means they not that speical right or wrong ...... exactly I'm going night night nigga if. I can (u tired but u can't ur mind not letting u )ur mind to (that a place of residence sooo its a difference) is it (yea) I wonder if people would get anything I say (you could go back to codes) which ones the sp or zodiac (both) lisa scorpion knives fish romonia crabs envy water (nvm that sound fucking stupid)told u (don't worry we would figure out something we been writingfor 10 mins ) techniclly type n its cklose to 20(damn I wanna sleep )me too metoo (thank of a clever way to end this my eyes r hurting from the bright lights) if ur sick of me in ur life let ur exit be ur medicine un called for bitterness but when u take it just know when I say u don't matter u best believe ur a non factor if I say I hate I still have some type of feelings for u but discontent or more of indifferent is something different I wouldn't piss on u if u was on fire hell I won't call the cops I won't even tell nebody there the diffrence if I hate u I would out of human sympthy put out the fire but indifferent u are less then a human you get me ?

uh

I seach for an answer a souloutionnothing comes I see nothing but what I don't have I don't have what I want I want what I need so I continueously cut untill I bleed hopeing seeing my arn red would change what sit nmy head nut noits just a mess athat is created i m alone as I said before I became my own mother father friend and whore. The abuse that otheres could have gotten was pushed on to me and nothing can be done because noone else see what's going on in this desmistic dispute between what I beileve a lie and the truth these 3 is what makes me unhappy and thet fact that everyone looks apast me oh you be fine stop being dramistic I'm sorry not even actors can get framatic this sparactic I see a way out idk if I should take it if this world makes me uncorfortable unhappy un kind and unhabbitable why shoukdnt I I escape it

out of disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. Other symptoms of BPD include: • Fear of being abandoned • Feelings of emptiness and boredom • Frequent displays of inappropriate anger • Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting • Intolerance of being alone • Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing ok after all that i believe honestly i have this disorder imma look up more and see what more stuff they can compound on to it to get a full analesis on me i do iknow that when i was diganosed they said i something with depression (major)maybe it was this maybe not but i just currious i was on zoloft and something else but my dad didnt want to pay for it so i had to say fuck it and live with my feelings could have came from that or whatever but i feel like writing thanks absoul probably about to listen to some mickey as well jimi(lover) basquiat(artist) love art

sexual frustration

Give me a reason to be a freak or beat my meat. Said by ch the greatest that's how I'm feelin I need some some ting not gonna say what because it should be apparent what I mean not to be a perv but I really want some I'm a sexual person who need affection from females from time to time I dream about it now since I started to try to ween myself off of porn I need it (no you need some pussy ) maybe but its not easy thing to do (whatever nigga) anyway I want it badley in other news I have got high today off of tabacco. It was a good high didn't think I could get that high from it but I was and I was trippin downtown tryna freestyle if some one was with me it would have been better (times like this I miss my de buddies they would have got me drunk and high ) I hear you man I hear youbut we got 4 more months right (yup then it s go time baby wine and spirts on dekc getting so fucked up ) funny when we agree on stuff (iknow its like we becomming onee) you like fro that to happen any way I wrote somethigng a lil something on joe budden better me beat. Its not my best but pretty good I should be studing but I'm not at least not now peace

affectionate addiction and an inner conversation

i have been feeling a lil more affectionate lately maybe because valentine is right around the corner or what ever but i wanna be baby and i have a porno addiction yup i finally admitted it and i mean it its on my phone my mp3 player my laptop i have certain sites my fav is xnxx and other shit its not even sometimes i be horny but more of just the fact its there its sad because i really cant stop myself but imma ween myself off of it slowly but the biggest thing is i cant write i mention this before but its serious now i can barley freestyle and its not like last time when no concepts came no i got concepts out the ass its just i cant put it down in a clever way i read and thought about my old song and it has so many hidden gems that i didn't even see or realize i love doing that it make me feel better but i don't know and very scared that i can never do that again its the only thing i got now my art no job no money no friends (well they not everyday they have lives that don't involve or should i say revolve around you) i guess the self destruction is a product of non writing if i write i wont destroy myself it guess it came down to this  I FEEL TERRIBLE its like having an i phone but not being able to use it or to have money alot of money like a billion dollars but you cant spend a fucking penny its just taunting me( your sick or at least used to be i don't know any more because  you haven't prove any thing to me') alcohol is calling me  but i cant drink or even have alcohol 4 fucking more months then im gone SD will be took  to the next level i bet money noone even read this in time (stupid ass people don't care im trying to tell yu that the last time they read anything here as probably last year and maybe even older then that but don't worry they will see remember how when we was all involved you wrote you most depressing but yet powerful work)yea(well we can do it again just lets us take control turn off the light and let us guide you )idk it drove me crazy last time (well insanity is a spice of life  and btw how you like normalcy) .... (exactly think about it we be waiting )

youy probably dont realize why its called

self destruction and why its spelt that way well its a wack ass code Do yoU see (C) its corny but i doubt you saw it everytime im brought back here im depressed maybe because ive had so many depressive moment it taint the beauty of this city for me i dont wanna be here i wanna leave and go somewhere i have a job interview tomorrow and i dont really wanna go because it deals with insurance but to be honest i dont thinkk i have a choice i need money well not really i have noo problem being broke for now i dont know if its because im lazy or just content but i dont really care for some reason my dad didnt help the bridge that he burned so fuck him he ... im sorry im looking at this girl i feel an attraction i have no idea why i get spiritual in a library thats weird maybe it becasuse my mental feel intrigued im going home to pysically destory myself ssome more bye i guyess

nothing left to say

O don't think I'm taking rap seriously here I don't like that my freestyles got better but that's about it nothing to big instill got that cockyness like I don't have something to prove when I do I still didn't finished the two songs I was suppose to its like I wanna rap but I can't and I lost my mp3 player cord so it can charge or put new music (dyme a duzin) on it Swace and Xo are in NY so that means its go time for me and Cooly I gotta hit him back up when I get home I don't know what can put me back not like im quitting I just need a motivator since nothing really does you no if I get my head in these books (rap book) and off these girls I'll probably be better off I have to finish at least one song today even though i m basically finished I still have to put it down this its just the life of a fat black Gemini artist who have an admiration for jimi Hendrix and jean Michael basquiat  job jimi basquiat need to come up cause I'm falling off

damn if i do damn if i dont

damn if i will damn if wont THIS WILL BE THE LAST POST FOR A WHILE  ironicly this is the first post of the year i had an alright new year i expected to be intoxicated but next year is a definite but it was fun but  now to bigger stuff i wanna make my life better so i will do that first with emotionally i have been lieing to myself about something and i just need to face facts about somethings and trust i will but i will say this its possible to love more then one person with that said i didnt lie about loveing anybody its just some more then others a new year i sent out i still need to explain everything with everybody  but it will be done pyscially as much as i love smokeing i have to stop not weed but other things me n god had a talk so things should get alil simplerif u dont hear from me i either finnally did it or im growing either death or grow
i pick
its my move