twice in one day ( blog lockdown) the last say

Let things slide off my back got to be my motto not to get so attached to things to the point it changes my perspective. The whole reason I made these blogs was so when I die someone can find it and read and understand me greatly so maybe I need to speak more clearlybut none of my favorite artist really told a clear picture so I will continue to talk cryptic. The want of other humans are a fruitless path to follow meaning it's not that much benefits of it most humans can get What they want and still not be happy. me on the other hand keeping it  3 I'mtrying to find happiness in lil things Ithink it's obvious now that these blogs are wrote with emotional impulses my moods shifts and don't have a stability to grasp  when it comes to.emotions I m a lover and a fighter I love war and peace I want to live forever and kill myself at the first chance I get I'm ball of confused energy. But that's me




What is this.thing you love more than me

Life ,calm down

No I gave you everything and this is how u treat me

At least you got him he just my side nigga

Pain this is none of your business

Yes it is she is just as important as I am

See I told you

So tell me what  is so good that it is surpass life and pain

Well....





BLOG LOCKDOWN
 BLOG LOCKDOWN
  BLOG LOCKDOWN




The ghost butterfly is dying




Funny I made this blog tittle the ghost butterfly but I was still a caterpillar I was growing I was learning and in the years I had this blog I never had as much thought and enlightenment as I do now I see I must cocoon myself in order to grow




The caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it
Its only job is to eat or consume everything around it, in order to protect itself from this mad city
While consuming its environment the caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive
One thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him, but praises the butterfly
The butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness, and the beauty within the caterpillar
But having a harsh outlook on life the caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak and figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits
Already surrounded by this mad city the caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon which institutionalizes him
He can no longer see past his own thoughts
He's trapped
When trapped inside these walls certain ideas start to take roots, such as going home, and bringing back new concepts to this mad city
The result?
Wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant
Finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations that the caterpillar never considered, ending the eternal struggle
Although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same."





This poem is a description of me 





Finally free I look up at the sun
The trees the birds the flowers
They all look so new so beautiful
That's when I realized they haven't changed 
I did
My vision is no longer cloudy
My sight is no longer  compromised
I fly away freely looking for a new home
My old I've outgrown
I expect to see troubling times on my journey
But I will remember
I started out strong and thought I would become weak
But the opposite is the result









The end ?








eeS em ni eht noococ

things Inotice

When I put focus on something I am at peace especially music  I don't have to react to things around me I don't have to even react to the music externally. I feel my soul or spirit resonates within me and it feels good I don't think about smoking having sex playing games or even the fact that I'm jobless I just wanted love I wanted to give love I wanted to feel the vibes of the correct people and correct environment the thing that made Delaware aka the ghost zone so great is the vibe not really the drugs and alcohol it kinda helped but it wasn't necessary I was getting love the vibration of love in all directions my unwillingness to see that is what messed it up along with the fact that certain things really don't last forever but it's always a reason why .I just wanted to meet andhave conversation with people on my wave length I know who I am I am more than a man but that's another story I've been letting my decedent pleasure take over and control my vision don't get me wrong I love smoking weed is one of the most lovely substance in existence however I do not need itthe people I'm around struggle and complain about the struggle which make me complain which brings down my vibration so I still can mob with the homies but I desperately need my me time I am my own best friend since I've been with me for 23 years I naturally rely on me , heavily. I don't like bothering people I don't like people to know I want them for the fact that a lot of people rub your face in it so being alone for 22 years of my life Was natural. I say 22 and not 23due to the fact that my 2year relationship really didn't start until the first year was done it so much negativity that year and I've brought some here to the present one of my fondest memories was us talkingwe was there in the now that was my best friend and now we trying to work back to it but it's hard when I'm reminded why we stop or why did I feel un loved /wanted in the first place I don't know why I harbor so much negativity maybe I'm nervous that it will happen again it's the only explanation I'll get through it because I want to be happy but I can't be if I hold ill will against one of the most important people in my life but it could wave lengths in conclusion I've let a lot of people knock me off my path for enlightenment and consciousness my friends classmates the random people I encounter and even family I'm trying my hardest to not let that happen again



So this isawkward

Yea

Do you still love me

Pain, you know I didn't love you I need you and understand you

I knew it you love thatbitch life don't you

Kinda I do have love for her but I love somethingway more

What is it ........

celibacy ???

yes I don't know why but I've been thinking for a while but I might try to dedicate myself to stop having sex or maybe stop masturbating because of the feeling of constant sex but the thing about it is I love sex I love the feeling the touch the passion the attention the feeling of straight up feeling that you and this person are in separate world your own lil world the closeness the want the need or the control the yelling the moaning the screaming but besides that my hornyness libido ii have insatiable so if I see something I like I will look but I might stop or want  too






maybe not tho








so are you gonna leave me


 naw pain I got you


you seem distant


naw im just getting in tuned with my self


oh ok just be safe even tho we don't need to be together


we don't 


but we are
...


...

the continued

Pain I need you

Why you got that ugly botch life

But you and your cousin death is who I truly want to be with I'm only with her because everyone wants me to be

You can't handle my cousin

I really can that botch life can suck my dick I need your cousin

Why

Because life is a liar she wants  to keep saying she love me but Ikeep thinking of u and when Ido I think of your cousin

You miss us


Yes... Come here and let me love you

I'll be your side Jawn but my cousin is not a part just us 3 I want to fuck that botch life

Thank you I love you pAin

I love you too










Happiness is no longer important dying is tho

the secret behind the slash

See I didn'tnotice this before but I will cut myself just because things would not be going the way it's supposed  to let me rephrase I will do it most times because of this site feel like doing it nownot having a job or missedopportunities rather it's love or a job or a way for fun I will be on the verge of cutting if someone tells me I'm wrong then  I'm cutting not always it's just sometimes it's my favorite release becAuse it's quick and only damaging to the outside of my body Self destruction is the best type of wel......scratch that it's not the fact that its the best it's the fact it's the only reliable source I have when my life feelsout of control I know at some point I could either end it or have a physical damage to match the emotional one


(Intruder alert)


Ok why would anyone intrude on to a place I made for the public


Some people who don't understand


Ugh do you know who

Not yet but pain Texted back

What did she say


"Hey baby I miss you call me as soon as possible"



Perfect

So is gonna be pain or life because life is coming over tonight

Why not both

How u gonna pull it off

Let me worry about that

I am duel sided and not two faced

I see both sides to a story all the time so I can understand the situation for that better but its all the things I do I listen toviolent music and I fantasize about doing violent and gruesome things but I know that these impulses are kinda wrong but people a lot of people treat me like a bitch I will not be told to shut up I you will respect what I do and what I say I give respect so I demand it back I'm not a play thing I'm sorry it seems like I'm angry but I'm just tired of the same old shit happening over and over again

Did pain text u back

No but life is getting a lil annoying

aiu

I made song called aiu on my first mixtape and it basically talks about me being ugly
Back then I found myself unattractive like reallyunacceptable like hideous and I carried that with me until about 21 but it's nice to hear hey you sexy u cute because it's so rarely
And I said I'm.gonna.love.the way my w ife looks just as much as she love the way I do





 But is it important ???


No but it helps


Everyone wants to be perfect for their partner even if their partner don't mind  It's like you don't want to embarrass them when they go out n so with deep seated hatred for the way I look I want the ego to be right something tomake me smile like my baby finds me attractive



Can darkskin blush

Yes

Oh shit pain Texted back

"Leave me aloneyou with that bitch life go be happy with her"

Damn it's like that pain fine I will be I'm a take that ugly girl out n show her the world.......that is until she dumps me ......



I feel ugly and life is ugly I guess we fit more than I thought

the rapists

I'm hungry
But think of this real quick


If you run towards pain


Is that better than running away

I like to think due to the fact that pain is gonna hurt you any regardless if you run Or hide but I'm starting to think I like pain or that I have to have pain in order to survive Hence the cuttingand the feeling of making things difficult for myself that way I can have the pain that was promised to me that God



People of the world
Rape me take me
Build me up and break me



Rape : to forcefully push your self onto someone



So think about it

Death"s  cousin pain is looking good







"Hey baby ";-)

I'm going back to my own world
I don't know if I like it

(Waiting for a response from pain)

(Chilling with life right now can't complain)

autopilot

There is a lot of feelings in me like pain love hate confusing loneliness but thing is noone will know about it I'll keep it to my self n when I'mhandling it I will be on autopilot I'll look like I'm dazed and confused but I'm really handling my inner turmoil





But is anyone takingthe blame





Nope





JuSt me


All alone




In my zone

With my phone





Because it's my home


This blog is my second half

I remember when death was my girlfriend or just a crush I really wanted her I see her with my uncle andmy grandfather and for real she is attractive but I don't want her ...........like that I still like her but she just my crush life is ugly I do like her tho





Dilemma

lately

"Have I told u I love you "
This blog has been with me though the thick and thin literally but...........


(Unable to talk due to tears )



I.........can't



(Tearsbecome harder to hold back )




I hate being sensitive I hate having feelings



(Staying at it's normal level)


I feel like a bitch but it seems like she don't care she won't apologize I put money she won't  I'm close to breaking downand she's reading that sounds like some girl stuff



Man up



Fuck you tyrese

planet life

Wait didn't I say this already
Well not really
The more I become a recluse again the more comfortable with myself I get the more comfortable I become with myself the more music comes to me my focus is starting to be on me and I see people as planets and I'm the sun they orbit in my life some planets are in my solar system but don't feel my warmth and some are hot because of it some planets let comets knock them out my orbit but it will always be some that will be there but it's have to be a sun first right because its my life

back to misanthopy (rough)

I know it seems like it haven't been the long I was on a godly type time well I still am but I am now starting to love myself but hating everyone wanted to be with myself until I desire human contact due to the messed biology of humans. but if I could I would be by myself always im the only one who gets and choose to listen to both of my opinion I've done it soo long I can even come up with multi opinions about a topic its sad but its the only I can find happiness because im tired ask people to be interested in me  I find my self interesting enough I give my opinion when I need to and when I need to I come here I keep trying to come back but it always fails but now since I feel like an total outkast like a complete misfit I don't have a choice I don't facebook to know what im doing or going through and my tweets don't get views even when I talk about an important topic if I tells my friends this they will roast and laugh my girl will feel like im not making the effort to open myself so its not really showing interest if I tell you correct so yea I will opt to be quiet and just tell you my blog or you the reader because you have given me something a person in my life at this current moment haven't : A listening ear. if you clicked this link you must of liked something or wanted to know something about me and me alone you didn't come for anything but me that's why I rap I want people to listen and actually be interested in what I say because they might have the same the thought or idea. so again I say thank you for reading and I promise I will give more content and change the site a bit

Confession

It's no surprise that I had low self esteem and my previous state of mind prove that my thoughts was detrimental I wanted to push people not just for my selfish gain but for protection. see I didn't want to get hurt by death rather  intentional or otherwise so in order to not deal with the emotional stress that will be placed upon me when it happens I decided to just cut off ties with people. nowadays its a lil opposite I talk to people and try to keep connections the difference is I want to gain and spread as much knowledge, good energy and vibes as possible. I asked a lot of people the purpose of life and I got a lot of different answer but when it ask I always get an surprised look as if its nothing they have ever thought about. I know i'm not the only one who have had a depression affect me so I know they must have thought at least once" why I am I here? what is my plan? where can I go next?" as children these thought don't ever once cross our mind but when the truth about mortality comes in to play things change. It seems as human we grasp things and expect them to be with us forever. which is not really wrong just a tad bit foolish. this reason alone is the reason why I cut ties with people. all people will leave rather intentional or otherwise. it can be emotionally escaping , mentally moving on or  a physical push off or the worst case scenario death.
we all will feel pain its an aspect of life (remember balance ) but the thing to remember that pain comes from love  you have to felt something (love or love equivalent) in order for it to hurt. I will continue to research and learn to understand life. Soo far I came across with a few things that seem to be a part of my answer: Love, Pain, Balance, Knowledge. I must I am not looking for someone to say that life is about god because what is god? Until you can explain what god is and give an answer that wont offend anyone then you cant explain god. For you have people who don't believe in god but you cant not believe life because we all by definition are alive................ or are we ?????






R.I.P Pop Pop


See you at the crossroads








  

things that I never had

I don't think I was completely desirable to anyone I don't think anyone looked at me and said Damn he is off the wall 10 out of 10 the best thing ever I don't get that I get attitude and hatefulcomments ok maybe that's what I'm getting now but in my whole life I rarely got that I want that lustful eyes the taunting smiles the come hither looks that can be used for my ego now as an spiritual being I am not supposed  divulge with my ego I'm supposed to look towards something as a community but my spiritual training is not done so and ego is gonna be there still butoff topics what person wouldn't want that. That feeling of want and needing a person everyone I once wanted or needed had plans that didn't involve me but it's cool no lovelost an the girl I have now is (comments omitted due to negative or ill will that I feel right now when the feelings have subsided a comments will be replaced)but sometimes I want fans who hang on to what I say like no one does in the world now because everyone doubt me either I Give them advice and they dont listen or they just don't ask my opinion are bull and void and sometimes talking to yourself just don't work everyone is so sensitive so Ikeep my thoughts feelings and opinions to myself or to the blog I really need to get back on here not for the gimmicks or the promotion but for me a way to get my voice out when I can't put it in raps or i can I just want to reiterate

so the secret

Noone  can have your back

Thats it 

No blog post

Just  the realization  that im alone

Always

I want suicide  but im scared  

Save me mr happy please 

please.....

Save me

balancing act

I was wondering if technology was going to be something that will lead to the downfall of man this is not the case.since technology helps us progress and will continue to do so the problem is not technology but corruption. This also had me think about what else can be corrupted the first thing I thought of was love. Since i personally believe that  love at its purest form is the foundation for a  new world. However  love can be corrupted  just like  anything else. For an example  a girl can purlypurely  love a guy and do any and  everything ffor  him while  he could careless about her when she finds out the love will be replaced with hate or even resentment towards men. Her corrupted love creates hate which would  spread to the  next man to  the next women and  so on .  the point is nothing is one side of anything everything  in this  world can and will be  corrupted  in one  way or another. This works  together with  the ying and the yang. Stating that the world  have good(love) and bad (hate) but also have the bad in the good (accepting  someone you love annoying quality ) and the good  in the bad (understanding  why this negative  person  act the way they do ) it gives me  more evidence  that this world  works  on this principle  its hard to actually  disprove. I had more  but ...........




Continue  y/n

it is good i want to be worse

Meaning  i feel bad but everything is good but its still negative emotions in my head i try to deal with it and i want to run away but noone wants to believe me i know certain people dont care but it is important i just want a job to get my own money to buy things tthat i will be happy with fuck a passion dreams are for sleepers

my biggest flaws

I think it so i can change when i wish. That way i won't need emotions by default im an emotional person and emotions run my thoughts i hate that about myself it blocks logic a proven thing in this world you can fake emotions but you cant fake  knowledge its too much to do so i want to love but people dont react anyway i want them to not in a manipulation way but in a care for you the way i care for you type thing but i dont get that from anyone i working on being comfortable with myself like completely comfortable with myself because when i do i will leave people dont believe me but when they see the missing signs on fb or just hear people say that they don't know where im at people will know and regret i wont care because im gone






........seee by emotion








.......why cant Mr happy.com be real

on my ch shit

Just might start bloggin randomly like in class or tweet randomly i might be done with fb  i would have to get all my bard from there first

The sad part i don't even feel bad for this I feel like its right

Twitter : j3ttistheblizzi

more than whatever

For a couple of days now my mood attitude and goals shift in a different direction. Could have been the alcohol being drained could be the lack of tabbaco something i felt the need to smoke that wasn't that bad but anger and everything else in the nature was added like how sasake would his eye when he usd his shiragan i don't feel like looking it up but I feel like its something trying to get free i need to unlock this im gonna try harder to change and see of this unlocked potential or something ..more.. sinister.







Weed helps









N i need a car i dont like depending on others






Just random thoughts

hi blog its me

Another year same shit noone listens to me noone ever say your right or i get the points that i try to make  its always everyone is right but its might turn when will my problem be heard and taking accounted for thats right never (whenever its my turn to vent how come everyone say im done) my lyrics be true my friends limited my family limited my girl (no comment -_-) so who do i go to my self and then when i stay to myself its a problem "oh you dont fuxk with me nomore " you know why you dont give me comfort you dont make me feel like i could trust u or that im even someone you think about just you n your personal problems n me n mine do dont get upset when i stop calling it's because I care too much