iwant to be abused.....in a good way?

lately being pulled in and out the matrix i have a feel a mixture of aggression and pain and pleasureand relaxed so i guess a lil feel of pain is a feel good feeling like i was singing a song and i was ripping off my shirt and scratching my skin it felt good idk well i just depressed myself idek y i feel depressed i was just writeing this post now i feel like im worthless :( i guess im going to sleep now andi guess i got my wish my mind will now abuse me this is my fault for leaveing the matrix to help other people and other shit