iwant to be abused.....in a good way?

lately being pulled in and out the matrix i have a feel a mixture of aggression and pain and pleasureand relaxed so i guess a lil feel of pain is a feel good feeling like i was singing a song and i was ripping off my shirt and scratching my skin it felt good idk well i just depressed myself idek y i feel depressed i was just writeing this post now i feel like im worthless :( i guess im going to sleep now andi guess i got my wish my mind will now abuse me this is my fault for leaveing the matrix to help other people and other shit

only one person will(might) get this post

ok let me explain this is my digital matrix.
the real matrix is the place in my mind where everything works how i want it too.hence why im not as angry (not aggressive) as i was before. its literally a mental escape. ok now since i  explained that let me say this there might be a breach in my matrix. what is a breach? an invader,an unwelcome guest ,a stranger if you will. now this breach is unlike any other like there are some i can control (wish not to have any but sometimes i just have to)but its some i can not. this is one of the can not's. now i can honestly say that i am prepared for this breach to an extant but idek when is it gonna come where is it gonna come from or even if its gonna come. i have been told by my intelligence (both domestic and foreign ) but it could be wrong. the keymaker(the one who gave me a physically representation of a lock in my mind ) is come home in a while. only for a day tho but one is better then none and if she use the same key correctly she might be Ramona  MIGHT BE!!! I was talking to my two lisa millers and i remember why they are my lisa millers but anyway i gotta stay vigilant about this intruder [looks back and forth ] PEACE

MUSIC+LOVE+PEACE= HAPPINESS
(MENTAL)+(EMOTIONAL)+(SPIRITUAL)= (PHYSIOLOGICALLY)



who agrees with that statement

yoo sample material

people wont get you anymore ....good :)

The farther i get in to the matrix (my own head )the less pain seem to hurt. (this feels like a deja vu ) For an example like with the dealing with loneliness n stuff like that. Mainly with the females like i was hitting on one girl(well setting up for flirting to take over) n my savager cousin come in n take her( smh family). Neway the only reason why im dwelling on it so much is because she lives in Philly and into the same hip hop as me (rare). So its like i could randomly see her like fate has this one. Even tho i leave almost everything up to fate/god. Its like if i was meant for it it would happen i wont pussy foot around. However the only thing im gunning for is rapping and skating but mostly rapping. Idk when i make a good song i just cant wait to see people faces. Even if its the look of confusion but there would be another song added to the mixtape (without my prior knowledge) and i went off in a positive way. (in my lupe type shit) I've been using metaphors and other shit like that. Similes im saving for freestyles. I've stop talking to my lisa miller slowly but surely and its weird we used to talk every night like a habit. Now we barley talk kinda odd. Letter to mecca is done but im might do it over. Letter to Katie is written and i have to write a letter to Shirley. I don't think Jocelyne or Brianna will get a letter. Idk know why i wouldn't know what to say forreal Jocelyne is mention  in the song cars but Brianna is real  hard to write about but not impossible. I got my 2 lisa millers to write about one is already wrote but i need a song about them together. So basically i need to talk about my envy Adams , my Kim pines, my 2 knives chau, my 2lisa millers,and my Romona. (idk who the fuck she is at all :() Oh well ill find out when the time is right. Basically leave it all to fate (omg sounds like a song title) ok its 4:43 am and i still need to proofread this and ill write a song later on today or after I'm done blogging. Its just I'm a lil tired from working out and skating even tho i couldn't really do that much due to rain. I'm listening to radiohead and next is Nirvana ok
ne way
peace
love
music
=
happiness

july4-5

the parkway thing i have been talking about it all day so i don't wanna talk about. [at least right now] i am in the house alone because my mom  had to go to my cousin house since she is outta town. I should have went to my dad's crib but i didn't. I gotta take out the trash n shit here. Neway i'm seeing a difference with these work outs. My arms are getting more defined n cut. That awesome! The mixtape N.S.M.Y.L.E is almost done and do i like the final product? not so far. It's not the fact i'm not on that many songs [im on like 3 ] but its a tad repetitive.  [no i didn't really have a chance to throw a concept their way]but i dont like it  for a few reasons 1. everything was though email it was like no creative control it was like "the concept is this" and since you couldn't vote you would just write to it. 2.the concepts didn't differ from every other underground group. 3. there is no type of chemistry at all. If i didn't say we was in a group no one would have known. I mean we could have got together and said i'm saying this that and the third. So someone else could do something off of it  but no instead everything was a secret until you hoped into the booth. In groups that is a important component like no.1 but nope we didn't have it. It seem like we just wanted to get the songs done instead of just rapping with your family. Whatever this is the first [and as far as im concerned the last] mixtape. Also i forgot 4. peoples egos. Now i might fuck around say "i put my foot in your ass" but its a joke i didn't for real because i was only on 3 songs. i'm not even gonna front that pissed me off its about a 12 song mixtape and im treated like a fucking feature. If black hippy did that or if slaughterhouse ill ask what was point of him on any songs. If they minus ab soul or Joe budden on all songs except 3 i'll say wtf was the point. [like once again WTF] With the females man, still kinda empty with this shit. So i'm still solo skating [won't get it until i explain it ] but maybe i don't need a girl but a woman. but fuck i didn't even dabble that much with girls let alone women. I'm 20,broke,living with my mom,slightly immature,slightly self indulging and i stay in my head [when i'm not releasing on my internet matrix[this blog] or my music] that's not attractive to many females at all. So because of that its girls for me 18- ? [i think its only 2 17's year old that is an exception] but yea im about to go listen to an song we did today 
MUSIC
PEACE
LOVE 
=
HAPPINESS

i feel like crying

i don't know if i should make a professional blog or stick with this one.i might just make this a personal blog but the way its made its seem like its for someone to read it  instead of me reading it. i mean i don't really make that many 'happy'post. Neway im living with regret with most females. scratch that, most females let me go and i have to sit back and smile and take it. well im sorry i cant do that. i feel like everyone wanted me and i had a choice. now its like i have not one option like not even a fuck buddy [didn't really like them but its something]. this is a big sign that i rush into relationships because i feel alone. maybe im meant to be alone to figure out why when i am in a relationship it fucks up. its a team effort or sometimes no effort at all, but its me with the streak of 7 months max in a relationship.[but a 6 month average] its more then some but for others that's baby steps. i wanna a long term one like a year[at least a year]and some change and still going strong. maybe its the fact i cant find anyone who likes what i like how i like it. for example i like to walk for long distances and just talk and consider it a date. most girls really don't like it. the whole point of a relationship however is to gain something from that opposite person maybe have some similar ideas but still different so in a way being in a relationship cures ignorance and intolerance [which is probably why i accept many things]n now for the title i feel like crying because depression is starting to be like a drive by of lack of emotion or just a lack of a good emotion leaving me melancholy. i wanna to be babyed but i cant i have to be a man and push on. i honestly fear if i stay alone for a certain period i would be lost in my own fantasy. mainly because its the only way i could make myself happy without the help of drugs. so technically its like my matrix the longer i stay in the more i believe it and become engulfed by my creation. that is how i think. no one can stop me from thinking that way.and on a side note people are getting mad at oeros because of their support for gay marriage. OK 1 let people love who they gonna love gender ,age ,race,creed, religion and/or culture shouldn't stop love 2 really y'all boycott a cookie company because of their belief smh at you anti gays 3 im hoping this is not just a scam for people to buy oeros out of rebellion. i have no idea what they are suppose to be covering up with this gay tread [i no its actually gay people but people now are blowing it all out of proportion because Obama said he support it ] Jesus Christ guys let people live how they wanna live its a short life neway might as well try to be happy in the process 'i am not' im bout to turn the ac back on and go to sleep ps the sun is comming up a sun rise to me is one of the biggest slaps in the face to single people now i sleep  
if i dont cry first or cry myself to sleep
peace