twice in one day ( blog lockdown) the last say

Let things slide off my back got to be my motto not to get so attached to things to the point it changes my perspective. The whole reason I made these blogs was so when I die someone can find it and read and understand me greatly so maybe I need to speak more clearlybut none of my favorite artist really told a clear picture so I will continue to talk cryptic. The want of other humans are a fruitless path to follow meaning it's not that much benefits of it most humans can get What they want and still not be happy. me on the other hand keeping it  3 I'mtrying to find happiness in lil things Ithink it's obvious now that these blogs are wrote with emotional impulses my moods shifts and don't have a stability to grasp  when it comes to.emotions I m a lover and a fighter I love war and peace I want to live forever and kill myself at the first chance I get I'm ball of confused energy. But that's me




What is this.thing you love more than me

Life ,calm down

No I gave you everything and this is how u treat me

At least you got him he just my side nigga

Pain this is none of your business

Yes it is she is just as important as I am

See I told you

So tell me what  is so good that it is surpass life and pain

Well....





BLOG LOCKDOWN
 BLOG LOCKDOWN
  BLOG LOCKDOWN




The ghost butterfly is dying




Funny I made this blog tittle the ghost butterfly but I was still a caterpillar I was growing I was learning and in the years I had this blog I never had as much thought and enlightenment as I do now I see I must cocoon myself in order to grow




The caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it
Its only job is to eat or consume everything around it, in order to protect itself from this mad city
While consuming its environment the caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive
One thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him, but praises the butterfly
The butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness, and the beauty within the caterpillar
But having a harsh outlook on life the caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak and figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits
Already surrounded by this mad city the caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon which institutionalizes him
He can no longer see past his own thoughts
He's trapped
When trapped inside these walls certain ideas start to take roots, such as going home, and bringing back new concepts to this mad city
The result?
Wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant
Finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations that the caterpillar never considered, ending the eternal struggle
Although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same."





This poem is a description of me 





Finally free I look up at the sun
The trees the birds the flowers
They all look so new so beautiful
That's when I realized they haven't changed 
I did
My vision is no longer cloudy
My sight is no longer  compromised
I fly away freely looking for a new home
My old I've outgrown
I expect to see troubling times on my journey
But I will remember
I started out strong and thought I would become weak
But the opposite is the result









The end ?








eeS em ni eht noococ

things Inotice

When I put focus on something I am at peace especially music  I don't have to react to things around me I don't have to even react to the music externally. I feel my soul or spirit resonates within me and it feels good I don't think about smoking having sex playing games or even the fact that I'm jobless I just wanted love I wanted to give love I wanted to feel the vibes of the correct people and correct environment the thing that made Delaware aka the ghost zone so great is the vibe not really the drugs and alcohol it kinda helped but it wasn't necessary I was getting love the vibration of love in all directions my unwillingness to see that is what messed it up along with the fact that certain things really don't last forever but it's always a reason why .I just wanted to meet andhave conversation with people on my wave length I know who I am I am more than a man but that's another story I've been letting my decedent pleasure take over and control my vision don't get me wrong I love smoking weed is one of the most lovely substance in existence however I do not need itthe people I'm around struggle and complain about the struggle which make me complain which brings down my vibration so I still can mob with the homies but I desperately need my me time I am my own best friend since I've been with me for 23 years I naturally rely on me , heavily. I don't like bothering people I don't like people to know I want them for the fact that a lot of people rub your face in it so being alone for 22 years of my life Was natural. I say 22 and not 23due to the fact that my 2year relationship really didn't start until the first year was done it so much negativity that year and I've brought some here to the present one of my fondest memories was us talkingwe was there in the now that was my best friend and now we trying to work back to it but it's hard when I'm reminded why we stop or why did I feel un loved /wanted in the first place I don't know why I harbor so much negativity maybe I'm nervous that it will happen again it's the only explanation I'll get through it because I want to be happy but I can't be if I hold ill will against one of the most important people in my life but it could wave lengths in conclusion I've let a lot of people knock me off my path for enlightenment and consciousness my friends classmates the random people I encounter and even family I'm trying my hardest to not let that happen again



So this isawkward

Yea

Do you still love me

Pain, you know I didn't love you I need you and understand you

I knew it you love thatbitch life don't you

Kinda I do have love for her but I love somethingway more

What is it ........

celibacy ???

yes I don't know why but I've been thinking for a while but I might try to dedicate myself to stop having sex or maybe stop masturbating because of the feeling of constant sex but the thing about it is I love sex I love the feeling the touch the passion the attention the feeling of straight up feeling that you and this person are in separate world your own lil world the closeness the want the need or the control the yelling the moaning the screaming but besides that my hornyness libido ii have insatiable so if I see something I like I will look but I might stop or want  too






maybe not tho








so are you gonna leave me


 naw pain I got you


you seem distant


naw im just getting in tuned with my self


oh ok just be safe even tho we don't need to be together


we don't 


but we are
...


...

the continued

Pain I need you

Why you got that ugly botch life

But you and your cousin death is who I truly want to be with I'm only with her because everyone wants me to be

You can't handle my cousin

I really can that botch life can suck my dick I need your cousin

Why

Because life is a liar she wants  to keep saying she love me but Ikeep thinking of u and when Ido I think of your cousin

You miss us


Yes... Come here and let me love you

I'll be your side Jawn but my cousin is not a part just us 3 I want to fuck that botch life

Thank you I love you pAin

I love you too










Happiness is no longer important dying is tho

the secret behind the slash

See I didn'tnotice this before but I will cut myself just because things would not be going the way it's supposed  to let me rephrase I will do it most times because of this site feel like doing it nownot having a job or missedopportunities rather it's love or a job or a way for fun I will be on the verge of cutting if someone tells me I'm wrong then  I'm cutting not always it's just sometimes it's my favorite release becAuse it's quick and only damaging to the outside of my body Self destruction is the best type of wel......scratch that it's not the fact that its the best it's the fact it's the only reliable source I have when my life feelsout of control I know at some point I could either end it or have a physical damage to match the emotional one


(Intruder alert)


Ok why would anyone intrude on to a place I made for the public


Some people who don't understand


Ugh do you know who

Not yet but pain Texted back

What did she say


"Hey baby I miss you call me as soon as possible"



Perfect

So is gonna be pain or life because life is coming over tonight

Why not both

How u gonna pull it off

Let me worry about that

I am duel sided and not two faced

I see both sides to a story all the time so I can understand the situation for that better but its all the things I do I listen toviolent music and I fantasize about doing violent and gruesome things but I know that these impulses are kinda wrong but people a lot of people treat me like a bitch I will not be told to shut up I you will respect what I do and what I say I give respect so I demand it back I'm not a play thing I'm sorry it seems like I'm angry but I'm just tired of the same old shit happening over and over again

Did pain text u back

No but life is getting a lil annoying

aiu

I made song called aiu on my first mixtape and it basically talks about me being ugly
Back then I found myself unattractive like reallyunacceptable like hideous and I carried that with me until about 21 but it's nice to hear hey you sexy u cute because it's so rarely
And I said I'm.gonna.love.the way my w ife looks just as much as she love the way I do





 But is it important ???


No but it helps


Everyone wants to be perfect for their partner even if their partner don't mind  It's like you don't want to embarrass them when they go out n so with deep seated hatred for the way I look I want the ego to be right something tomake me smile like my baby finds me attractive



Can darkskin blush

Yes

Oh shit pain Texted back

"Leave me aloneyou with that bitch life go be happy with her"

Damn it's like that pain fine I will be I'm a take that ugly girl out n show her the world.......that is until she dumps me ......



I feel ugly and life is ugly I guess we fit more than I thought

the rapists

I'm hungry
But think of this real quick


If you run towards pain


Is that better than running away

I like to think due to the fact that pain is gonna hurt you any regardless if you run Or hide but I'm starting to think I like pain or that I have to have pain in order to survive Hence the cuttingand the feeling of making things difficult for myself that way I can have the pain that was promised to me that God



People of the world
Rape me take me
Build me up and break me



Rape : to forcefully push your self onto someone



So think about it

Death"s  cousin pain is looking good







"Hey baby ";-)

I'm going back to my own world
I don't know if I like it

(Waiting for a response from pain)

(Chilling with life right now can't complain)

autopilot

There is a lot of feelings in me like pain love hate confusing loneliness but thing is noone will know about it I'll keep it to my self n when I'mhandling it I will be on autopilot I'll look like I'm dazed and confused but I'm really handling my inner turmoil





But is anyone takingthe blame





Nope





JuSt me


All alone




In my zone

With my phone





Because it's my home


This blog is my second half

I remember when death was my girlfriend or just a crush I really wanted her I see her with my uncle andmy grandfather and for real she is attractive but I don't want her ...........like that I still like her but she just my crush life is ugly I do like her tho





Dilemma

lately

"Have I told u I love you "
This blog has been with me though the thick and thin literally but...........


(Unable to talk due to tears )



I.........can't



(Tearsbecome harder to hold back )




I hate being sensitive I hate having feelings



(Staying at it's normal level)


I feel like a bitch but it seems like she don't care she won't apologize I put money she won't  I'm close to breaking downand she's reading that sounds like some girl stuff



Man up



Fuck you tyrese