i(dont) know whats missin now

i sit here with a new view on life i take that back i have the same redefined view with minor readjustments for an example since i had the pleasure of tasting the bittersweet poison called alcohol i would like more of it especially with the feeling of being high when im the this drunk/high(on) state i feel bliss even tho hear something say this is very self destructive to u i dc actually in all realities i want it to destroy me for one ill die happy 2 in this state death doesn't scare me (i mean it doesn't normally but in this state the lack of fear is actually amplified to a another state where i welcome death ) n this feels what i been missing in life an escape from this dry reality this sick twisted normality kills me slowly then the poisons i chose to enter my body i haven't thought about suicide until i got back in philly maybe i should live in Delaware and move to nj when im 21 why nj its a new place no one knows me so ill have a reason to ignored then there i would work on my art n escape my mind by doing mind altering drugs then some hard stuff coke crack n etc y because my self destruction brings me pleasure which means one thing everything i just stated is a pacifier in the sense where it doesn't solve or even nullify  the problem  i have just put them in the back burner n outta my mind for a time period fuck  im sick i need some body (a girl) to take care of me i wonder if i use love as a pacifier ???

becoming H.I.M (Happy In my Madness)
self DestructiOn Under Construction (DO U.C )


oh iand by the way if u like these post follow me on bloger if im not mistaken u just need a google account because soon i will block my page untill i feel like opening it back up  so follow or you wont see these ne more

why my love is unattainable

not to everyone else but mainly myself but before i can say that i have to say this. I don't love myself but i love seeking out love to share the love that stays in my heart (maybe because of a surplus of some sort) and when i find someone to love i over love give too much love too fast then when the feeling is not matching  either sabotage or test out their love. When the person either falls my traps of sabotage or no longer wish to be tested,i would wish they didn't leave because i actually love love. Its hard to understand but its a cycle that holds me because i feel like i don't deserve happiness but i am suppose to make everyone happy.(up to this point no more punctuation marks) so if being with me makes you happy ill take it as something anything else besides love because i don't think you should because its not a good choice........ now why don't i love myself i've been bullied like a lot of people in the world but i took everything that was said to be true and convinced myself that i should be ashamed of these certain things sooner then later it was just ashamed to be alive which in turned brought in my suicidal tendencies this along with the fact i was hurting people that said they cared for me and that i cared for it makes the hatred i have for myself multiply and it might sound a lil like im victimizing myself but i really not the mind is one of the easiest things that can be broke so when mines broke i have nothing to do but to go along with it which only decreased the duration of time between the snap so now with a mind that under construction i'm fucking it up more because my heart gets hurt and the mind have to tend to the heart all because i wasn't at 100 % when i loved who ever i cherish every single relationship i had rather it was partner to a lover i cherish it all it seems melancholy well i'm sorry

                               Peace
self DestructiOn  Under Construction (DOUC)

its Christmas?

So I'm typing this on my new tablet I didn't feel like this was Christmas even when  I received and distribute gifts it doesn't have that wonder or splendor that it once possessed before idk if its the fact I'm going though something nothing to serious but still some shit its cool I plan to do something big tho imma make a song called  ruby colored hedgehog  and honeybees its not hard to know who it is about

the next gin of ...

like the x men the next generation will rise now what is this about read between the lines because i wont blatantly tell you  but with an anthropomorphic  pink hedgehog n bumblebee i have been dropped off rammy got a crush im proud of her actually tho shes moving on  but back to the reason the two anthropomorphic life form really dont fuck with my  "good but obviously not good enough ass" im taking to fact that im just that unattractive (its the truth ) oh hey its the voice inside my head where was u (i took a break because i was repressed) by what (your party life) cool i was about to go back to life i need alcohol because sober life is too hurtful n i cant handle it when 21 im getting killing my fucking liver and because this person who dont know the difference between my life and the life i created and yes i will also do drugs n other shit the only time im happy is when im destructive to my self so let the self destruction begin because its something that i need i guess u can say gin will be my new engine nice but its the truth dont judge me im moving on to become an angry alcohol artist who pushes just enough people out of his life to be confided a bad person and you know what thast perfect im not proofreading this till like next year or what ever

amatory rage 2 blog version

dont baby me when i dont want u too then when i need u too u dont want to i honestly dont get girls like y act certain when not needed i want somebody to kick it with n be calm with but yet i am not that lucky i tried to hate love buts its too hard im ugly unattractive unattainable its like i dont give full love when females want i give it at the beginning but they dont deserve or even respect it

mayday!!!

thanks to that band i wanna write so much right now but its 6 in the morning so i really cant but its a Sunday you know its kinda funny what happens to the mind after it took from its element normally ill know its Sunday because my mom was off yesterday and shes going to church today because i worked around her schedule and since im not i dont even realize its Sunday nor Saturday i got so fucked up on thursday it become something like a habit drinking while smoking something i only dreamed about because being high is fun everything is spacey u feel good and wanna chill when u on n if im not mistaken i was more drunk  then high it is increased i felt good i wanted to race i was rapping i was chilling i was alil moody but i had a reason to be but everything else was great in the best part is i remember the good times like a highlight reel like i remember skating racing talking rapping but i dont remember anything in between that i will plan to do this more often alcohol dont even burn nemore i take it like soda but on top of all that i still wish i was in philly or the people in philly was here or whatever it would be better i think but jhene aiko is my baby i love her n she gonna love me everybody probably asking well what happen to wendy i slowly lost contact with her sad face i thought it was special but maybe she was but couldnt be loved like she wanted to be lovebut w.e i wanna be in philly tho but these people here in the ghost zone  r fuvking awesome so laid back n chill n real thats you cant get mad at them neway imma listen to more mayday and jhene aiko 

bui bloggin under the influence

i have no thoughts im just playing pokemon and im going to stop fixing my mistakes with typing in shit but wtf was i talkin about i dont see neverythiing because of the glasses in shit but in koving the glasses fornow n shit so yea im keepin them like absoul or easzy e im likein tbecool look and the vjew dark tint umm i see yakk later becyase u dibt jbiw what in sqyin  ghostt zone

ghost zoned

its crazy how i think im in the ghost zone right now but finding out alot about myself its like im opening up my mind n i might do some more later useing something i wont say what tho but its w.e im keeping thses glasses on my face for a while brcause i dont want people looking at my eyes ineemore it too much guilt but fuck it im do what i wanna do its hard but the voices dont bother me if im trying to do what i want i guess they not so bad but then again i dont maybe they are takin a break i have been drinking  more oftenly n i will drink some more

money art and wars

so i finally had a breakdown with no tears its seems like the closer i get with god the  more i feel attack and i see it like last night i felt something i have never felt before as the gammit of emotion take control of me i listen to music and did something forbidden i wont say what i did but i wasn't suppose to do but with each time it was a rush and high that was controlled by adrenaline and it was addictive because i craved it more and more so i didnt stop but anyway the depression shit has been increased inflated n went though a influx like 10 fold like smiling is rare people ask whats wrong i finnally say bad and after a while it would be dissolved and noone cares but at least this time its different like i finally  told yall so its no longer a secret but neway either way it goes i feel depressed stress and in need of rest not physical one but an .........i dont know im broke and my art is kinda diminishing and it causes wars dont love me oh yeah i just been told that even with all my effort ill  still get thrown under the bus while my friend whos is not interested in love gets it i dont get it why lord when is it my turn im sorry i kinda snapped for a bit n now with everyone knows i can finally becoming H.I.M  if u dont know who is "he" look at my post previously


oh yea i had  a dream about being backstage with ab soul with him proforming in philly and we was smoking and spitting and i asked to be soul brother number 3 and that dream was soo vivid you my cousin naim was in and xo was in shit was crazy im mad it wasnt real ne

the tattoos i wear
are actually tears
that i ripped but also carry with fear
when make one the other disapear
and when the other is gone the other is forever there