becoming my best friend again

This blog is becoming a diary
But its just not daily
It might start to be since when I was jimi this blog was my best friend
I was on here more than facebook now facebook is the first website I get on
Well not anymore im back on blogshit
Once again im public enemy number one of my unanamed significant other (still no character )
No I was thinking trinity but naw anyway if everything I done and everything I changed for her was money ill be balling her on the other hand would be the fuck broke she changed one fucking thing and since I have only one thing my attitude compared to her in rational attitude , her loudness her uncompromising thought , defensive mindset , rudeness that come from not seeing where im coming from I see her pov I would hate to be with a person whos always mad but if she did what I said I couldn't be mad I gave her the blueprint for my emotions she want to be stubborn and not use then and use her own thought process when I repeat Im not regular or normal so it wont work for me so just do like I ask /tell you  she dont so will continue to have problems (why dont u break up ) trust me I thought about it its hard not too tho irs like im fighting by myself (why ) because she dont see what I do n how I changed (y didnt u leave ) I love her im just at a major crossword i feel like she dont have my back im not attractive to her n we fight everyday we dont have a connection  (leave then nigger ) but when we not acting up we get along and think pretty similar and she had a hard life already (is that why u staying so u can have the hero complex) no its more of helping her n I can actually see us being happy like I have a feeling this is just a rough time right (so what if its not) but If Its not im looking stupid its always hard times (September 27th 2014) yes (make that a deadline) continue (if its no change in that time leave ) well .........continue yes/no

a genie job

If I was asked 3 wishes by a genie it would be


     1. To leave this world at my command however n whenever I wish

      2. To erase me from memories in people minds and computers

      3.Lastly to reconfigure the world to a positive way to impact the world


(So basically u feel bad about things)
We?
(U)
Why not you too you feel what i feel
(I do )
Ok then we dont really feel bad or anything just thinking its time

Bittersweet memories

SO I was talking xavin and we as talking about living with a significant other and I thought about living with ember and I basically remember her getting ready for work we would mess around I would stay up all night until the morning so I could either walk her home or just be up when she get in and in that perspective we was perfect considerate nice pleasant and xavin asked do I miss her then I thought about the awkward encounter I had with her in the summer a month after my birthday I really wanted it to  work but  you could just tell it was over so I came to the conclusion again that I miss the memories not the person and after 2 years you would miss them it was good times a bunch of first time things I did that I like when I was with her but they gone ummm (even though that was basically the title can u get to the  kanye west part) well these bittersweet memoirs bought back the song bittersweet by kanye which brought up more memories and it was memories of my innocence I miss the past (Yea the future sucks the care free lifestyle is gone and is never coming back ) I know n now im a lil sad about it (to the verge of crying) no not that sad just need a hug (and once again where is.....) now wait a minute she's out handling business can't get mad at that (what about Saturday) what about it (the beautiful day with no connection) yes it was highly annoying but what do that have to do with anything right now (bittersweet) right........right (all u can say right now? ) yea

missing the ghost zone

When me and ember we (not one pun intended) we heat it up we made fire we was in love it was passionate I never once felt  incomplete I just wanted to give her what she wanted and deserved now with this one I don't know I'm so incomplete I don't feel like I I can go to her for comfort like I can with hell any of them Romona she stayed on the phone with me the whole time I was depressed a(which was the whole day) and she didn't ccomplain not once  and of course with Amy she was my homie (yes I miss her too ) I do too she listened she gave good advice even xavin has been helpful (which is the biggest surprise because she was on I hate j3tt /Andre streak for the longest ) but my companion (she don't have an character?) No and that's a kinda of a problem I don't know her and she won't let me she keep worrying about being a good girlfriend that I don't even know her (bumbaclat *starts to slow grind to romping shop)  anyway there is not one thing I can say making me stay because she haven't been there for us (*still dancing) its not like she's bad its just I have problem and her solution is to stay on the phone and do nothing I can't come home to that if I had a long day of working if we ever live together what am I (we ) oh your back (yeah the song went off ) well what is what we to do we refuse to be by our self in a relationship (think of character for her ) trust I will




(Wait you didn't explain why u thought of ember) oh yeah I found my tablet  and we have pictures of us (anit that crazy) yes it brought up so much

recluse watching nutty professor 2

This night mark   one if the biggest nights of the year today is the day where I realized why I wanted to keep everything to myself in the first place you talk to people and they act stupid (the fuck wrong with romoana snapping at us because we was venting she know we hate it when we get told what to do )Especially when I already know but (what about that gf of ours) leaving us alone after uncle benji passed (first role model aka mj to us ) I know (I still think that you should move back to the way you were before ) I cant n u know it became I am getting better (we can do both meditate to be more inside n only outgoing when necessary ) maybe its the only option (that means no wife ) I know but we talked about love alot (yea but this is not what was planned she cant call or text its soo much drama with her) it is alot though but (is she worth ) ...................ill think about it

recluse smoking during a snow storm

Now anyone who knows me knows when I meet a person I get involved with I turn to an open book I tell everything because I think thats how it have to be and I demand the same respect thats why im upset if you keep something from me especially if its small I will feel offended by that and shut down im a human. Vault I hold many secrets some mines some others and I feel if I let you know mine you special I shouldn't have to use my blog for that but yet I do im going revert back to my previous ways becoming that loner once again only one knows things is me and me alone its fuxked when you cant go to your own lover family or friends you gotta rely on a website smh but this is the only way I could cope so let me cope or pass the rope so I can choke

all I got is myself

Ok to be homes I didnt think I needed my blog nemore since I had opened up about myself to people however tonight has changed a lot for me I cant do that nemore my words are hurtful (in my briana latrice voice) to so people so instead I decided to put them in a blog I was kinda happy when I had my blog it didn't seem like I was due to the post but I felt like someone without an opinion was listening which is something I need no opinion just listen shut up and listen but people wont do that so its back to the blog I be on here when I need to drain my thoughta

well i havent been here in a while (wipes off dust)

well i have been practicing meditaion and basicly tryna find new music and work but me and xavin broke up i forgot to mention that because it wasnt something i was gonna mention i was real distrught about it ....at first at least but then i realise we really just dont do well together in a realtionship people always believe its someone fault not always sometimes people dont sync well with other it happens but you would think im single well im not now my new girl is not a rebound and xavin is not forgotten  but i have been mediatation  and tryna get some peace in my life ive been cutting more just letting people know its fall/winter which means for me artistic month so ive been doing more new age things and such idk i guess i dont have too much to say but im gonna be talking about things

peace i guess

a new type of darkness

As it seems when im around im thinking about my life when i am alone however its deep reflection and a lil time alone has came to the conclusion that i  do not deserve life heres why : as social as i am i only one thing and thats a clown im there to entertain to  make people life not to be respected. I can honestly say maybe (a big ass maybe ) music aside my friends dont respect me. you know what people say when i ask them why they liked me "your smart and funny" oh thats nice a kevin hart Einstein and im sure kevin gets respect in less then half a decade he rose from a relative noone (we knew about him for a while now {adjust hipster glasses}) to a superstar that just the mention of his name people think of eddie murphy and richard pryor. what hustle i have not one and i know "i gotta go out there and get one . noone gonna do it for you . things dont just fall in your lap " understandable but even with that people laugh at kevin hart because he tries to be funny he wants to be funny hell he need to be funny but me its accident im a jester a fool. where did this come from welll i have noticed it at a friend's game night. im pretty sure noone said " man that guy funny because hes funny " im pretty sure its " thats guy is funny but im pretty sure i dont want to be with him " see heres the thing to all the girls who think being with for a few hours are unsuffable imagine 24/7 thats what i gottta what i gotta handle n i know if i get on my own nerves sometimes then i know i get on people  nerves. but its something i gotta handle alone right ........right ? (always got me ) i know man but sometimes its not enough i think alil  deep and notice people want me there for them  but noone for me (then when "something happens"  its " omg when you didnt call me why didnt you tell me " i did you just didnt listen ) they dont get that though they dont under stand the consequence of they negligence

THE PILGRIMAGE OF FLOWERS

SKRRRRRUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLL

im gonna be soooo alone

last year around this time i was in delaware with ember (not about her tho shes not important right now) but swace n xo was in nyc . this is time they left again and i have no where to go. cooly is a father whos in school so i doubt he would have time juan have a step son a job and see his girl on his days off n now where to go this time i have xavin but she has school and job n untill spring thats when i start my school but till then i got noone to hang with n be with (but hey thats whats weed tobacco alcohol is for )  right

misantropic nihilism

because the general dislike or mistrust for humans and the ideal of believing that life have no meaning. knowing this its not hard to see why i said what i said about killing people. however doesnt make them right . and the whole thing was more of an "humans have been currupted by powerful people in charged who has been currpted by power and have lost their general basic  human emotion ie love compassion sympathy so they didnt deserve their lives" type thing . not right neither but at least itsnot blind rage  n i know i am flawed but this is why im doing it.like the angel who destoryed solem an gommor(didnt spell that right) it needed to be done  now once again not right but its just thoughts. and thats the thing they are just thoughts bot good thoughts but thoughts none the less nothing is solid or have been put in motion  or even been plan to put in motion or even planed to plan to put them in motion just thoughts and ideas.crazy thing is while looking at my problems i see im a fucking baby i want assist from a female to love me and hold me and tell me it will be ok (the world /my issues) but  noone would do that everyone hav etheir one life my first response was not to tell people because its nothing they can do about it but i get confortable with people and beceome a n open book ne way my body is tired but my mind wont let me go to sleep i guess im not sleeping tonight well today

dream crashers

If u read my blog you would know I like dreams I should study it ember was in my dream  idk y I moved on she have too so y in mu dreams I visited her but my dreams have been vivid when I do sleep I have a slight sleep disorder staying up until 6 n them some but I have been feeling unusually lonely n have no idea why imean xavin do talk to me everyday then whata the problem maybe it the friend leaving thing that I'm still not over not able to record or smoke or vent have had me think about ( maybe I did already) and drinking not gonna write a lot n btw in speaking of ember I wa s thinking bout delaware a lot maybe its the freedom I had there the smoking drinking rapping fornicateing it was a unhealthy paradise maybe I need one here I need something because cutting is no longer work( or I just need to cut harder )

my dreams

y the hell was ember in my dreams we had closure and now she is going to school kinda crazy its alot of bs xavin is getting a job n school (good for her) juan already got a job (good ) cooly is in school swace n xo go job corps( good for them) and me ? im waiting for a job to call me back nothing falls in place like it will i bet the girl gonna say she got fired so she cant help me or the job is now filled or some other biull shit (see what happens when you place your faith in mare humans they dont care )don t say that some do just not all (keep telling yourself that when everyone living their life and you are homeless no handouts for u ) so what do u think i should  do (say fuck them all now ) i cant now (just do it soon before its too late because it bad enough u dependent on these funky ass humans )

did i move too fast ???

[imean xavin was part of a group called 'the runaways' should that be a sign i might be overthinking this but it] i understand thats how we cope we think alot even when its not no reason to [yea but is that alil suspicious] what [the fact is she getting upset all of a sudden could that be a new way to break up to less the blow for the breakup-er ] i get it but elaborate [ok if i get mad at you and blame you for stuff sooner or later my feelings for you will decrease and when they get low enough i break up with u with no remorse] like catching a pokemon [EXACTLY like catching a fucking  pokemon] but you dont believe that do u [hopefully not but that's the flaw with overthinking you really cant control whats being thought about or the thoughts itself] shes not that malicious [ok ,if you say so im just saying just a thought]

so wait wait im dating the xavin version of my L.O.E.E

basically now if you dont know who xavin is read more comics but to spear you the time xavin is a skrull.whats a skrull? a skrull is an alien race that comes from the fantastic four universe now the most famous one is kl'rt n he is a super skrull. Now a super skrull is a product of biological engineering now what they do that makes them speical is have all the powers of the fantasic 4. Now back to the point xavin is a super skrull the reason why i said this is because thats is how my gf is. The intelligence of romona , the conversation skills of amy , silliness of ember and the need of jean grey. Now do this means shes perfect not necessarily you see i mention this before[in j3tt love life right] right. I said what would happen if they all combine it could be the best or the worst thing that happen. I dont really know since 1 we still in the realtionship  2 we started not that long ago so because of that its hard to determine the outcome but heres what i will say if she fails my list will be complete and i can finally release it but if she some how take all the crap i throw at her it will be real weird for the league
 or
 would it ?????????????
idk
still waiting on death tho [idont even know why nemore ]

its been awhile

people said ive been depressive so i came off the blog for a while but its been a month im not going to job corps i was trying to go allied barton but they fucking with my e mail emotional ? ive been whimping does that answer your question ive been rocking back n forth on my bed whimping im tired nmow i feel bad now but im tired of talk while noone listening so this will b e another time i wont be back on this

this is nothing as I sit here listening ghost city by ch I wonder if I can even go as far to give up

life has its moments ....sometimes

then again it  doesnt Gothic /emo carving is all that i have to look forward too i tapped out on the uneasiness of life to become a Gothic poet 'erdna ' idk maybe the influence ch has on me have influence me greatly im alone only with the main voice in my head that i talk to we walk philly n really dont care about anything that happens i need new music on my phone hopefully i can get my phone fixed most likely i wont i want to find a hideout where i can be free from the world n not deal with the strees or bs that i do put up with fuck the fbi they might be reading this i want them to come kill me make me a motherfuckiung target tired of this shit no longer mad or anger just waiting on death to take me out on a date then rape me take me passionately in her arms n tell me it will be ok as she rides me furiously n when we done we will get married n ill truly be happy so go ahead n lust for life ill be in love with DEATH







waiting for u to take my breath away baby..............