list of favorites

painter:Keith harring rapper:mickey factz, Charles Hamiltion, Lupe fiasco,joebudden,absoul (couldnt pick one) candy:twizzlers chocolate:Resses band:Nerd,gorillaz,Korn, pod (couldnt pick one) food:pizza color:black singer:frank ocean,the dream,neyo,prince,chrisette michele,Jill scott(you no why) marvel hero:deadpool DC:batman movie:love jones,brown sugar, Basquiat, interstate 60,forrest gump(oh eat shit if u didnt get it yet ) Nfl team:steelers but eagles due to city NBA team: heat , bulls and sixers due to city books:the love dictionary Graphic novel:Scott pilgrim chips:hot fries cakes:birthday cake Vgame:UMVC3,SFXT,saints row 1-3,super mario 64, mario party1-4,pokemon all i cant think of anymore right now if i do they would be on the updadted list

real quick 5 mins and counting

well its reallty 6 and judgement day is cooming not for the world {wll idk } but for me im dying i can feel it something was told to me that kinda took me off guard and could change my life as i know it i will now let the voices take over (well as listening to new ch there is nothing we can do to fix this body or shell or home what ever thisis that holds us we can try to fix it but its really up to yall who care we beileve yall really dont but he do so his hope is what keep him he didnt really put his trust in us yet completely but do what yall have too or we will take over e=nuff said )

sitting in the dark listening to incubus

Nothing can compare to this this is a unpleasant bliss that I have to deal with smoke and feel free for at least the time being but how long is to long I wanna go back but no I can't I don't really want to be bothered by any body I just don't unless you plan to help

j3tt vs the world

So I have an envy Knives Kim And a Lisa Miller And since ramona is the girl of his dreams and I haven't had anyone that magical and last we heard they still together since I'm single I don't have a Ramona which means one thing I can finally start this mixtape I'm listening to solange song losing you Its so nice and lovely but it has a party upbeat tempo to it the song is simple nothing about it says complex its just so damn contradictory that I can't help but to like it nothing like her sister music but it could be like something that destiny child would do its like refill nothing really special but goddamn it u can't stop listing to it excuse me I went to go listen to her two other songs that many people know I decided and sandcastle disco and now listening to losing you it clear solange is more diverse then her overrated sister Beyonce can out sing her yes but musically solange is just better because its something unlike Beyonce whjo is stuck OK n that dying genre called rnb kinda sad then again she had chances anyway my favorite band is now a 3way toss up between korn nerd and gorilaz besides korn they all genre hop now listening to locked away they have music you wanna preform while korn does also it s more anger or sorrow well kinda upset now bout to sneak in my step mom wine alcohol is alcohol IDC what y'all say I'm gonna be a fucking alcohol who's gonna stop exactly

diamond encrusted halo

My daughter is right now have no potential mothers but she gotta be born with the perfect woman for me but idk if she exist but I know she does I want her now who ever she is come find me babe your child and your husband is waiting but until then everyone is just a gf until u change into the perfect one

space distance

Space cosmically synchronized With stars that seem small in size Because we are far but it wouldn't be wise For us to believe in empty lies Distance don't make the heart fonder Or stronger Just make the time spent apart longer First time away maybe was an issue Second time away no longer need a tissue Third time away reality finally hits u That you will have to survive off of "I miss u" Love can grow to a place where certain things won't matter So if they too far too old too young the love still won't shatter Those who disagree gave up and its pathetic Because love will only go that far if u let it :-)

unable to reconstruct not stable yet

As I sit in Barnes and Nobel I think about everything this year had to offer which is crazy is the fact it feels like it is anew year like last Monday was January 1st it was the longest fucking week ever since I don't really Sleep at all I try to incorporate more people in my life to make it not seem like the rut it is I don't want to come here every day or just whatever its a few anomaly well I don't think that's the word but its a lot of aquaious that I know I don't know why I have to be the most weird person ever I'm sorry just a thought I am ready to break down but can't bring myself to tears I'm no longer telling people they don't care well Nicole I thank her but the rest not even a how u doing but its cool closed casket cause I might take a shot to the face club 27 newest member right here

charles hamilton at 6 in the fucking morning

I have done an sucessfull e9xperiment abput scents and it can trigger flashback slightly and give you the same feeling and thought I just picked the wrong era the fall era of '12 I'm learning a lot of things about me I spent the whple day in the bookstore instead of bothering people imma. Try to see if people bother me (something to write about fatty fatty2x4) maybe I should I just need a beat I mightwrite today why the hell am I upso early (I can't hear you lalala I'm ccovering my ears lalala I can't hear you lalala if you hatingon me these nigga got me seeing red and I'm c and pink can u see what in my head ) seltcive deafness I told my so called best friend I was going to nj and never comeback she said she don't care her exact word why do i. Surround myself with people whodont care imma do it one day. I wonder who would look for me or who woudl just continue I had a a fantasy that I went and hung out with a group of broke misfits who did drugs and I had a gf who kept tryna stop me then I would go from her house to the studio then the streets with my friends then everyday I get kivked out then I work my way in n we have sex she loves me but frustrusted she can't control me n then itssame thing for awhile (that's sound awesome) I know (we should try it ) we can't (why ) well we don't know if things can be that smooth (fuck you right ) iknow I am so we stuck here don't worry(I know we've all noticed u back in your fantasy world welcome back)

post valentine post

Today I fell back with syd da kid my lil dyke lover omg I want her and she wants me I'm waiting syd wainting for us but it really the art of words i m give rap a break andwrite more poems idk why maybe it the face with poems you focus on the words and not the flow or delavery or even punchlines (so no pressure) basiclly but its 450 and I was juat slowly airair grinding to janet jackson anytime (I guess they wanna know a out the sex thing) well my libdio just builds day by day the person who blow this firecreaker might lose an arm(.........why the fuck u say that) I'm sorry but I'm serious and the incident that happen the 13 well tbh I was very very very depressed more depressed then I ever been om not going in to spefics(that's spelt wrong and don't if u didn't help u don't know too bad and one person and that person was thanked) sad day but its in the past imma workout gett my body just make people envious of me imma get job get my own crib(or atleast a car ) but I wanna ask if someone iso"specal" why neglate them? That means they not that speical right or wrong ...... exactly I'm going night night nigga if. I can (u tired but u can't ur mind not letting u )ur mind to (that a place of residence sooo its a difference) is it (yea) I wonder if people would get anything I say (you could go back to codes) which ones the sp or zodiac (both) lisa scorpion knives fish romonia crabs envy water (nvm that sound fucking stupid)told u (don't worry we would figure out something we been writingfor 10 mins ) techniclly type n its cklose to 20(damn I wanna sleep )me too metoo (thank of a clever way to end this my eyes r hurting from the bright lights) if ur sick of me in ur life let ur exit be ur medicine un called for bitterness but when u take it just know when I say u don't matter u best believe ur a non factor if I say I hate I still have some type of feelings for u but discontent or more of indifferent is something different I wouldn't piss on u if u was on fire hell I won't call the cops I won't even tell nebody there the diffrence if I hate u I would out of human sympthy put out the fire but indifferent u are less then a human you get me ?

uh

I seach for an answer a souloutionnothing comes I see nothing but what I don't have I don't have what I want I want what I need so I continueously cut untill I bleed hopeing seeing my arn red would change what sit nmy head nut noits just a mess athat is created i m alone as I said before I became my own mother father friend and whore. The abuse that otheres could have gotten was pushed on to me and nothing can be done because noone else see what's going on in this desmistic dispute between what I beileve a lie and the truth these 3 is what makes me unhappy and thet fact that everyone looks apast me oh you be fine stop being dramistic I'm sorry not even actors can get framatic this sparactic I see a way out idk if I should take it if this world makes me uncorfortable unhappy un kind and unhabbitable why shoukdnt I I escape it

out of disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. Other symptoms of BPD include: • Fear of being abandoned • Feelings of emptiness and boredom • Frequent displays of inappropriate anger • Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting • Intolerance of being alone • Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing ok after all that i believe honestly i have this disorder imma look up more and see what more stuff they can compound on to it to get a full analesis on me i do iknow that when i was diganosed they said i something with depression (major)maybe it was this maybe not but i just currious i was on zoloft and something else but my dad didnt want to pay for it so i had to say fuck it and live with my feelings could have came from that or whatever but i feel like writing thanks absoul probably about to listen to some mickey as well jimi(lover) basquiat(artist) love art

sexual frustration

Give me a reason to be a freak or beat my meat. Said by ch the greatest that's how I'm feelin I need some some ting not gonna say what because it should be apparent what I mean not to be a perv but I really want some I'm a sexual person who need affection from females from time to time I dream about it now since I started to try to ween myself off of porn I need it (no you need some pussy ) maybe but its not easy thing to do (whatever nigga) anyway I want it badley in other news I have got high today off of tabacco. It was a good high didn't think I could get that high from it but I was and I was trippin downtown tryna freestyle if some one was with me it would have been better (times like this I miss my de buddies they would have got me drunk and high ) I hear you man I hear youbut we got 4 more months right (yup then it s go time baby wine and spirts on dekc getting so fucked up ) funny when we agree on stuff (iknow its like we becomming onee) you like fro that to happen any way I wrote somethigng a lil something on joe budden better me beat. Its not my best but pretty good I should be studing but I'm not at least not now peace

affectionate addiction and an inner conversation

i have been feeling a lil more affectionate lately maybe because valentine is right around the corner or what ever but i wanna be baby and i have a porno addiction yup i finally admitted it and i mean it its on my phone my mp3 player my laptop i have certain sites my fav is xnxx and other shit its not even sometimes i be horny but more of just the fact its there its sad because i really cant stop myself but imma ween myself off of it slowly but the biggest thing is i cant write i mention this before but its serious now i can barley freestyle and its not like last time when no concepts came no i got concepts out the ass its just i cant put it down in a clever way i read and thought about my old song and it has so many hidden gems that i didn't even see or realize i love doing that it make me feel better but i don't know and very scared that i can never do that again its the only thing i got now my art no job no money no friends (well they not everyday they have lives that don't involve or should i say revolve around you) i guess the self destruction is a product of non writing if i write i wont destroy myself it guess it came down to this  I FEEL TERRIBLE its like having an i phone but not being able to use it or to have money alot of money like a billion dollars but you cant spend a fucking penny its just taunting me( your sick or at least used to be i don't know any more because  you haven't prove any thing to me') alcohol is calling me  but i cant drink or even have alcohol 4 fucking more months then im gone SD will be took  to the next level i bet money noone even read this in time (stupid ass people don't care im trying to tell yu that the last time they read anything here as probably last year and maybe even older then that but don't worry they will see remember how when we was all involved you wrote you most depressing but yet powerful work)yea(well we can do it again just lets us take control turn off the light and let us guide you )idk it drove me crazy last time (well insanity is a spice of life  and btw how you like normalcy) .... (exactly think about it we be waiting )

youy probably dont realize why its called

self destruction and why its spelt that way well its a wack ass code Do yoU see (C) its corny but i doubt you saw it everytime im brought back here im depressed maybe because ive had so many depressive moment it taint the beauty of this city for me i dont wanna be here i wanna leave and go somewhere i have a job interview tomorrow and i dont really wanna go because it deals with insurance but to be honest i dont thinkk i have a choice i need money well not really i have noo problem being broke for now i dont know if its because im lazy or just content but i dont really care for some reason my dad didnt help the bridge that he burned so fuck him he ... im sorry im looking at this girl i feel an attraction i have no idea why i get spiritual in a library thats weird maybe it becasuse my mental feel intrigued im going home to pysically destory myself ssome more bye i guyess

nothing left to say

O don't think I'm taking rap seriously here I don't like that my freestyles got better but that's about it nothing to big instill got that cockyness like I don't have something to prove when I do I still didn't finished the two songs I was suppose to its like I wanna rap but I can't and I lost my mp3 player cord so it can charge or put new music (dyme a duzin) on it Swace and Xo are in NY so that means its go time for me and Cooly I gotta hit him back up when I get home I don't know what can put me back not like im quitting I just need a motivator since nothing really does you no if I get my head in these books (rap book) and off these girls I'll probably be better off I have to finish at least one song today even though i m basically finished I still have to put it down this its just the life of a fat black Gemini artist who have an admiration for jimi Hendrix and jean Michael basquiat  job jimi basquiat need to come up cause I'm falling off

damn if i do damn if i dont

damn if i will damn if wont THIS WILL BE THE LAST POST FOR A WHILE  ironicly this is the first post of the year i had an alright new year i expected to be intoxicated but next year is a definite but it was fun but  now to bigger stuff i wanna make my life better so i will do that first with emotionally i have been lieing to myself about something and i just need to face facts about somethings and trust i will but i will say this its possible to love more then one person with that said i didnt lie about loveing anybody its just some more then others a new year i sent out i still need to explain everything with everybody  but it will be done pyscially as much as i love smokeing i have to stop not weed but other things me n god had a talk so things should get alil simplerif u dont hear from me i either finnally did it or im growing either death or grow
i pick
its my move

i(dont) know whats missin now

i sit here with a new view on life i take that back i have the same redefined view with minor readjustments for an example since i had the pleasure of tasting the bittersweet poison called alcohol i would like more of it especially with the feeling of being high when im the this drunk/high(on) state i feel bliss even tho hear something say this is very self destructive to u i dc actually in all realities i want it to destroy me for one ill die happy 2 in this state death doesn't scare me (i mean it doesn't normally but in this state the lack of fear is actually amplified to a another state where i welcome death ) n this feels what i been missing in life an escape from this dry reality this sick twisted normality kills me slowly then the poisons i chose to enter my body i haven't thought about suicide until i got back in philly maybe i should live in Delaware and move to nj when im 21 why nj its a new place no one knows me so ill have a reason to ignored then there i would work on my art n escape my mind by doing mind altering drugs then some hard stuff coke crack n etc y because my self destruction brings me pleasure which means one thing everything i just stated is a pacifier in the sense where it doesn't solve or even nullify  the problem  i have just put them in the back burner n outta my mind for a time period fuck  im sick i need some body (a girl) to take care of me i wonder if i use love as a pacifier ???

becoming H.I.M (Happy In my Madness)
self DestructiOn Under Construction (DO U.C )


oh iand by the way if u like these post follow me on bloger if im not mistaken u just need a google account because soon i will block my page untill i feel like opening it back up  so follow or you wont see these ne more

why my love is unattainable

not to everyone else but mainly myself but before i can say that i have to say this. I don't love myself but i love seeking out love to share the love that stays in my heart (maybe because of a surplus of some sort) and when i find someone to love i over love give too much love too fast then when the feeling is not matching  either sabotage or test out their love. When the person either falls my traps of sabotage or no longer wish to be tested,i would wish they didn't leave because i actually love love. Its hard to understand but its a cycle that holds me because i feel like i don't deserve happiness but i am suppose to make everyone happy.(up to this point no more punctuation marks) so if being with me makes you happy ill take it as something anything else besides love because i don't think you should because its not a good choice........ now why don't i love myself i've been bullied like a lot of people in the world but i took everything that was said to be true and convinced myself that i should be ashamed of these certain things sooner then later it was just ashamed to be alive which in turned brought in my suicidal tendencies this along with the fact i was hurting people that said they cared for me and that i cared for it makes the hatred i have for myself multiply and it might sound a lil like im victimizing myself but i really not the mind is one of the easiest things that can be broke so when mines broke i have nothing to do but to go along with it which only decreased the duration of time between the snap so now with a mind that under construction i'm fucking it up more because my heart gets hurt and the mind have to tend to the heart all because i wasn't at 100 % when i loved who ever i cherish every single relationship i had rather it was partner to a lover i cherish it all it seems melancholy well i'm sorry

                               Peace
self DestructiOn  Under Construction (DOUC)

its Christmas?

So I'm typing this on my new tablet I didn't feel like this was Christmas even when  I received and distribute gifts it doesn't have that wonder or splendor that it once possessed before idk if its the fact I'm going though something nothing to serious but still some shit its cool I plan to do something big tho imma make a song called  ruby colored hedgehog  and honeybees its not hard to know who it is about

the next gin of ...

like the x men the next generation will rise now what is this about read between the lines because i wont blatantly tell you  but with an anthropomorphic  pink hedgehog n bumblebee i have been dropped off rammy got a crush im proud of her actually tho shes moving on  but back to the reason the two anthropomorphic life form really dont fuck with my  "good but obviously not good enough ass" im taking to fact that im just that unattractive (its the truth ) oh hey its the voice inside my head where was u (i took a break because i was repressed) by what (your party life) cool i was about to go back to life i need alcohol because sober life is too hurtful n i cant handle it when 21 im getting killing my fucking liver and because this person who dont know the difference between my life and the life i created and yes i will also do drugs n other shit the only time im happy is when im destructive to my self so let the self destruction begin because its something that i need i guess u can say gin will be my new engine nice but its the truth dont judge me im moving on to become an angry alcohol artist who pushes just enough people out of his life to be confided a bad person and you know what thast perfect im not proofreading this till like next year or what ever