i(dont) know whats missin now

i sit here with a new view on life i take that back i have the same redefined view with minor readjustments for an example since i had the pleasure of tasting the bittersweet poison called alcohol i would like more of it especially with the feeling of being high when im the this drunk/high(on) state i feel bliss even tho hear something say this is very self destructive to u i dc actually in all realities i want it to destroy me for one ill die happy 2 in this state death doesn't scare me (i mean it doesn't normally but in this state the lack of fear is actually amplified to a another state where i welcome death ) n this feels what i been missing in life an escape from this dry reality this sick twisted normality kills me slowly then the poisons i chose to enter my body i haven't thought about suicide until i got back in philly maybe i should live in Delaware and move to nj when im 21 why nj its a new place no one knows me so ill have a reason to ignored then there i would work on my art n escape my mind by doing mind altering drugs then some hard stuff coke crack n etc y because my self destruction brings me pleasure which means one thing everything i just stated is a pacifier in the sense where it doesn't solve or even nullify  the problem  i have just put them in the back burner n outta my mind for a time period fuck  im sick i need some body (a girl) to take care of me i wonder if i use love as a pacifier ???

becoming H.I.M (Happy In my Madness)
self DestructiOn Under Construction (DO U.C )


oh iand by the way if u like these post follow me on bloger if im not mistaken u just need a google account because soon i will block my page untill i feel like opening it back up  so follow or you wont see these ne more

why my love is unattainable

not to everyone else but mainly myself but before i can say that i have to say this. I don't love myself but i love seeking out love to share the love that stays in my heart (maybe because of a surplus of some sort) and when i find someone to love i over love give too much love too fast then when the feeling is not matching  either sabotage or test out their love. When the person either falls my traps of sabotage or no longer wish to be tested,i would wish they didn't leave because i actually love love. Its hard to understand but its a cycle that holds me because i feel like i don't deserve happiness but i am suppose to make everyone happy.(up to this point no more punctuation marks) so if being with me makes you happy ill take it as something anything else besides love because i don't think you should because its not a good choice........ now why don't i love myself i've been bullied like a lot of people in the world but i took everything that was said to be true and convinced myself that i should be ashamed of these certain things sooner then later it was just ashamed to be alive which in turned brought in my suicidal tendencies this along with the fact i was hurting people that said they cared for me and that i cared for it makes the hatred i have for myself multiply and it might sound a lil like im victimizing myself but i really not the mind is one of the easiest things that can be broke so when mines broke i have nothing to do but to go along with it which only decreased the duration of time between the snap so now with a mind that under construction i'm fucking it up more because my heart gets hurt and the mind have to tend to the heart all because i wasn't at 100 % when i loved who ever i cherish every single relationship i had rather it was partner to a lover i cherish it all it seems melancholy well i'm sorry

                               Peace
self DestructiOn  Under Construction (DOUC)

its Christmas?

So I'm typing this on my new tablet I didn't feel like this was Christmas even when  I received and distribute gifts it doesn't have that wonder or splendor that it once possessed before idk if its the fact I'm going though something nothing to serious but still some shit its cool I plan to do something big tho imma make a song called  ruby colored hedgehog  and honeybees its not hard to know who it is about

the next gin of ...

like the x men the next generation will rise now what is this about read between the lines because i wont blatantly tell you  but with an anthropomorphic  pink hedgehog n bumblebee i have been dropped off rammy got a crush im proud of her actually tho shes moving on  but back to the reason the two anthropomorphic life form really dont fuck with my  "good but obviously not good enough ass" im taking to fact that im just that unattractive (its the truth ) oh hey its the voice inside my head where was u (i took a break because i was repressed) by what (your party life) cool i was about to go back to life i need alcohol because sober life is too hurtful n i cant handle it when 21 im getting killing my fucking liver and because this person who dont know the difference between my life and the life i created and yes i will also do drugs n other shit the only time im happy is when im destructive to my self so let the self destruction begin because its something that i need i guess u can say gin will be my new engine nice but its the truth dont judge me im moving on to become an angry alcohol artist who pushes just enough people out of his life to be confided a bad person and you know what thast perfect im not proofreading this till like next year or what ever

amatory rage 2 blog version

dont baby me when i dont want u too then when i need u too u dont want to i honestly dont get girls like y act certain when not needed i want somebody to kick it with n be calm with but yet i am not that lucky i tried to hate love buts its too hard im ugly unattractive unattainable its like i dont give full love when females want i give it at the beginning but they dont deserve or even respect it

mayday!!!

thanks to that band i wanna write so much right now but its 6 in the morning so i really cant but its a Sunday you know its kinda funny what happens to the mind after it took from its element normally ill know its Sunday because my mom was off yesterday and shes going to church today because i worked around her schedule and since im not i dont even realize its Sunday nor Saturday i got so fucked up on thursday it become something like a habit drinking while smoking something i only dreamed about because being high is fun everything is spacey u feel good and wanna chill when u on n if im not mistaken i was more drunk  then high it is increased i felt good i wanted to race i was rapping i was chilling i was alil moody but i had a reason to be but everything else was great in the best part is i remember the good times like a highlight reel like i remember skating racing talking rapping but i dont remember anything in between that i will plan to do this more often alcohol dont even burn nemore i take it like soda but on top of all that i still wish i was in philly or the people in philly was here or whatever it would be better i think but jhene aiko is my baby i love her n she gonna love me everybody probably asking well what happen to wendy i slowly lost contact with her sad face i thought it was special but maybe she was but couldnt be loved like she wanted to be lovebut w.e i wanna be in philly tho but these people here in the ghost zone  r fuvking awesome so laid back n chill n real thats you cant get mad at them neway imma listen to more mayday and jhene aiko 

bui bloggin under the influence

i have no thoughts im just playing pokemon and im going to stop fixing my mistakes with typing in shit but wtf was i talkin about i dont see neverythiing because of the glasses in shit but in koving the glasses fornow n shit so yea im keepin them like absoul or easzy e im likein tbecool look and the vjew dark tint umm i see yakk later becyase u dibt jbiw what in sqyin  ghostt zone

ghost zoned

its crazy how i think im in the ghost zone right now but finding out alot about myself its like im opening up my mind n i might do some more later useing something i wont say what tho but its w.e im keeping thses glasses on my face for a while brcause i dont want people looking at my eyes ineemore it too much guilt but fuck it im do what i wanna do its hard but the voices dont bother me if im trying to do what i want i guess they not so bad but then again i dont maybe they are takin a break i have been drinking  more oftenly n i will drink some more

money art and wars

so i finally had a breakdown with no tears its seems like the closer i get with god the  more i feel attack and i see it like last night i felt something i have never felt before as the gammit of emotion take control of me i listen to music and did something forbidden i wont say what i did but i wasn't suppose to do but with each time it was a rush and high that was controlled by adrenaline and it was addictive because i craved it more and more so i didnt stop but anyway the depression shit has been increased inflated n went though a influx like 10 fold like smiling is rare people ask whats wrong i finnally say bad and after a while it would be dissolved and noone cares but at least this time its different like i finally  told yall so its no longer a secret but neway either way it goes i feel depressed stress and in need of rest not physical one but an .........i dont know im broke and my art is kinda diminishing and it causes wars dont love me oh yeah i just been told that even with all my effort ill  still get thrown under the bus while my friend whos is not interested in love gets it i dont get it why lord when is it my turn im sorry i kinda snapped for a bit n now with everyone knows i can finally becoming H.I.M  if u dont know who is "he" look at my post previously


oh yea i had  a dream about being backstage with ab soul with him proforming in philly and we was smoking and spitting and i asked to be soul brother number 3 and that dream was soo vivid you my cousin naim was in and xo was in shit was crazy im mad it wasnt real ne

the tattoos i wear
are actually tears
that i ripped but also carry with fear
when make one the other disapear
and when the other is gone the other is forever there

how about now

So I got anew phone from this bad ass asian chick I need to text so I can get the website for the new battery n shit but yea I'm just blogging from my blackberry(techniclyim not i send it to my email and copy and paste it on the computer technogy crazy huh ) blog blog blog I got to finsh this song I call it ROADS meaning rambling on a desperation song so once I finish that song that's 4 n I got to do memories (sound of a female) n is  gentlemen ever in season so that's 6 then my song about death n religion. I don't have a clever name for it yet next is a song about careless people in a postive light[to moan in poon (ba] (8) a song about music being a drug then fear (forget everything and react). So that's decadence and i have been feeling pretty depressed lately i try to reach out to people but i cant get the ones that i want my fault blahh  fuckin blah blah i dont fuckling care i covver my ears so i cant hear the nay sayers ugh i need togo the ghost soon if i dont i will snap and im not trying to but i also need amy poetry and rammys presence (you cant wonder why i need all 3 ) i wonder if i get a girlfriend will she have all these quilties (most likely not) but i need someone stable but i wont most likely this is gonna be a long cold fucking winter (so wait the last girl you had 1 only lasted 6 months and was close to 6 months ago smh at you man )so i guess its back to imagination gettin lost in it and let me explain im not begging for love i want companionship with a female so im gonna create it with my mind (SMH) but i guess im done amy is on the phone irony
                               {end transmission}

Sonic the hedgehog is dead

but not by my hands!?!?!?
but by the hands of amy ?!?!?!

crazy shit but its true and you think this is a great day for me but no no where close because of me being next of the bench someone else is now on the floor (WHAT?!!?!?!?!) iknow i thought i was next but no some other nigga is like what the fuck but thats my fault n guess what no more secret ron-day-vooos so im basicly done who would have thought that if my mortal enemy dies ill be dead too... sad day in the hedgehog life guess shadow is dead danny might be brought up just so i could go ghost in the ghost zone i wont even go for ember ill just go for the numbness rammy is elsewhere and lisa is gone completely both of them because of one did and the other basicly commited suicide (emotionlly) umm nothing left to say just bout to be happy in my maddness
happy in (my) maddness
H
I
M
GET IT
                                                   {END TRANSMISSION}

behind da scenes triple k

peep the bars

never look at this directly

i noticed that noone is special but human attachment makes you special just like money if people had no attachment to it it would be nothing but green paper with old dead people on it people are the same like everyone was strangers at first then you grew to know ,care,love a person and now you are in a relationship and with a person you dont wanna "live without" i thought about that awhile ago while listening to the voices they have been more signifcant and more vocal like thats why they speical like that logic but idont care i got to make a 10 song mixtape by dec ?? i will give myself a deadline of the 12th of dec just because i need one i been rapping for a decade 10 years n if it takes another 10 years so the fuck be it because i have a dream AND BITCH IM GONNA LIVE IT  so i lost it for a min but check it im not rushing nothing in life anymore everything is now going to be with  the flow ill make a song about it later nice lil consept omg now i wanna rap n btw mickey factz is motherfucking sick 
peace

my dream well dreams

1. so i was doing a run for my school and i cheated and the finishline was at penn landing (which is not weird ) and its night time (kinda weird) so i was at the finishline then i was approached by a random girl (yes she was white did u mention u have to mention that )  and we had small talk them started making out then a crowd came and we stopped to see what was going on and when i turned around she was gone i tried to look for her in my school which was at penns landing( very weird considering the fact that my school mlk hs is in uptown ) and when i went in it was day time but i can turn around and see the night sky at penns landing (fucking trippy) so i was walking in my distorted school and came acrossed her in the computer room then i woke up

2 it was quicker then the last one i was talking to someone and my aunt told me to come get my son but i was watching my nephew nahjeer at the moment but his dad came and got him and i went to get my son and i got lost around my aunt way ran into to old ladys (don't forget they was white too) and we conversed and out the corner of my eye i saw my aunt house so i like ran there so i can get my son n i saw him in a black and gold stroller and he was the cutest dark skin baby ever


i just wanted to tell them two stories really quick  they was so vivid and i was  actually beliveing i had a son or a white "lover" not the first time i had a dream about me haveing children another time was ember was pregnant with my baby n i moved out to live with her (the baby name was melody genisis tadlock  idc how anyof yall feel about that name )

im scared i dont want to have a child now im only 20 its alot of shit i didnt do yet like take a bunch of mind altering drugs for no reason,have a 3 some,4some,orgy wake up in a place where i dont even remembering being i wanted to do so much stuff so i can get the craziness out my mind ,body then i ll be ready for a baby

this better not be a sign (sigh)


                                                                   {end transmission}

                                          CHAOS CONTROL
                           GOING GHOST
POPPIN PILLS

Charles Hamilton - Epic Fail

i am such a ....

the hook descibe my mood

wendy ceas n sunshine in space

i love that girl i swear
no its not Amy
or rammy
or ember
but....

i notice people dont realise love until its too late and if that isnt sad idk what it. like if someone died what do they get omg i love them soo much imagine if thats a suicide victim it would be worse because if u would have said it when they was alive they would still be alive (hint fiucking hint)but any way ive made a song last night well this morning im gonna make one today in this place i should be job searching but ill push it till tomorrow dont ask why well i only got 33 mins left lately ive had the feeling being amorous   to people but it always back fire the feeling of amatory is killing me (see im showing off a new word i learned BE PROUD OF ME ) anyway i have to make some thing good when i do write im staying here until it closes its gonna be cold as fuck going home oh yea my mood swings are back and hard3r then ever (or it could be just us fucking with you) w.e voice but sanity is no longer promised in my life im to unstable (mentally and emotionally) n how can you control instability ........... exactly and what i will do is show u why im diggin micky factz right now above will be the video heart off his mickey mause project i wanna be on this level I'm hungry I'm tired and uii still got shit to do (25 mins fat boy hurry up )  but im done (..) ok then
well
peace
i love you Wendy like soooooo much

wait so i put it there now and so you will see the video below this sorry

Mickey Factz Presents Mickey MauSe: Heart {Scene 6}

$wace - Triple k

OK this is swace video triple k imma promote it for a few reason one because thats my bro and 2 xo the name dont ever put up tags so with this video swace prob wont eat and we cant have that

dark reasons

have been my logic for so many years its been made by one of my voices in my head inside my head its like my head is a dark room (matrix) and many people in this room(voices) and many doors(opportunities /option) i have to pick one in the dark only by what the people say some times they scream some times they quiet and sometimes they repeat some times they say it once but however everyone of them talk and you can tell when they agree because ill be more determined to do something then ever before but thats kinda rare some one always gotta disagree and make me confuse and people thing i can persuade them what do you thing these people can do way worse and even persuade others in my head its gettin crazy but its nice to see im evolving a lil more the final solution is not finished however it wont be until i die do anyone wanna know what it is straight forward ? well its basically the idea of having people by your side and thinking the way you do on certain subjects that when you die either your memory or your ideals will live on (ill give you some examples:hitler,pac,biggie,warhol, basquait etc) so final solution is not just suicide but way to change the world positively(or negatively) also i have been having bad dreams a lot lately and they are very vivid i want the music dreams that cooly pac and ch had lucky its gives them confirmations about music i dont know if i should do poetry  or painting or drawings or movies or photogrophy the art word is to vast so i know i wont be stuck in just one sub genere of it but still is rapping for me can i get that same joy i had as a teen now that im growni need  to reavulate my choices about music umm i have some time to think about it but it will be thought about. LOVE,LUST,LOST now put a "will be " between them 3 words  and by the way i hid my heart if someone cared or even wanted to know its no longer in my chest those on the hunt good luck with finding it mwhaaa (evil laugh)wahhhaaa
                                                {end transmission}
 
                             CHAOS CONTROL

             GOING GHOST