im gone

i have a plan of leaving im only telling my blog because this would be the last place they look even tho its on my facebook page meetme twitter instagram and pof profile if im not mistaken but nope even with the free promotion and word of mouth through me its not a secret at all and i don't treat it like such but no one listen fuck em all if u just now reading this blog FUCK YOU seriously i ve told everyone close or far from about this damn page so maybe i could receive some help but no help was ever given so im leave my house on Sunday and refuse to come back where would i go idk nor do i care Sunday im suppose to go to a game night so hopefully ill drink to much because alcohol will be provide and ill have poisoning but yall mother fuckers think im playing im not making it to next year im surprise im still here breaking the pact i made with my self last year that i would end it Christmas new years or my birthday the 3 events passed and im still the fuck here fuck job corps i dead ass didnt want to go its one of those you gotta do what u gotta do type things fuck electricity idgaf about how that works but in this corrupt ass world you need the poison that people fight die and bleed for ;money i just wish the world works based on talent or skill not fucking degrees and other bull shit man made accolades so retards can pat their self on the back and say i did something great no the fuck you didn't i don't deserve my diploma i didnt deserve it i didn't do my best in hs you know why because im lazy as fuck but have skill intelligence and potential to be the best but noo its handled to the people who can sit in class copy notes pass test n they are proclaimed smarter because they did something thats routine how is that far its not but thats not why im leaving i just had a moment i had to get out im leaveing because i dont fucking like this fucking world the fucking things in this fucking world and the fucking people in this fucking world are the fucking sheep that leads to slaughter ill admit some are not but most the fuck are its like i dont even wanna die nemore my desire for death is still apparent but i wanna die and my soul goes in a capsule to be never released again no thoughts no feeling just nothing thats exactly what i want to happen but no i get judged on what i do and depending on how strict god is ill be in hell or heaven for eternity thats a long ass fucking time i feel like ill probably go to hell tho i have alot of malicious thoughts and alot of malice in my heart its not my fault tho i was brought up with it and to those who say i use my up bringing as a safety net FUCK YOU again because its not a person upbringing determines alot of decision options choices etc in the persons life my eyes are done looking my ears are done listening the only reason why i was living was because love but even that hurts to the point where you want to kill your self and one person should not have that much power of another especially if it came from such a necessary because we need love to survive it was a study on as humans we need love the only emotion we NEED and beautiful emotion but as i run my hands through my locs n just wonder how many people are gonna find this whos gonna find what would they think and i say to them if they wanted to know my read the rest of the fucking blog .....fucking bastards



peace

j3tt's blizzi love life

(but he doesnt love life ) haha ready (yea) ok first was tia(do you wanna count that ) yea (but she cheated on you for your best friend ) so did angel (forgot all body our lil freaky ass white chick) next it was Brianna (haha the names repeated for you ) i know that's crazy (she was freaky back then tho i wonder i how she is now )probably a mom (yea but a milf tho ) any way next it was Jocelyne (Felisha: crazy ass bitch )but she did love us (yea but she was bad for us ) like most of the others (almost forgot she took that v card ) i know I'm mad because of it after that was Katie ( peach :she wanted to be rescued hard ass shit but she also loved us ) as i said for here on they all loved us but was just wrong for us next was Shirley (ember : that girl) i know (she fucking dropped us hard as shit ill say she caused the most pain out of the league and for that matter all of the girls un official included )yea she was .... (skip it next ) Brianna (Romona the smart beautiful she has a friend vibe to her tho) oh in the best way possible (of course but mecca(Amy fn rose) yup (another girl who has a friend vibe we can stand to be around her for more than a few hours ) which is hard for us (true ) lastly Kendall(the dark Phoenix  her name fits her perfectly she happy then its like an anger i wish not to go through ever the fuck again) and we wouldn't have to  (would u do any of them again ) you mean we don't forget you played a part to my mans (you was about to say nigga n idk if they fix their flaws ) what was Amy and Romona flaws (you know Romona acted like a mom ) i did hate that (and Amy one don't want us )true (and she never have time ) yea its sad if you could all of them together could be the best (or the worst thing ever) and now we would try to do the iteralrun time of them all go

Felisha :dec 2008to may 2009
peach: nov09 to may 10
ember:june 10 to jan 11
Romona:mar11 to aug 11
Amy: jan12 to jun 12
Kendall: apr13 to may 13

again again

i know somebody gonna hear me my mp3 player is broken so i have to use my phone (dont get in to it they probably wont get it )but its to me  but ....(shhhh just dont go in to ) what about toda...(dont) so its nothing

i think music is now overrated

ash said he would stop if it feels like a job and it does im too hard nothing is complex enough but when it is i have to dumb it down i know i have to find a middle ground and it can be acchived but im tired of this change shit because nooone feels me but whatever im talking to a girl she a go getter like really but idont think we gonna mesh im too much of a bum idk whatever idc im in idle while not nemore but im not active i got high bymyself before and felt so good (yea we was chilling hard as shit making jokes and shit we was tripping )then we do we feel down (maybe because we still living) meaning ? ( remeber when we said we would commit suicide on the earthstrong)yea (well we didnt we still living we was only living for that day and since the world is still spinning we feel incomplete and  unfiinished your want to fo home and get the 99 bananas? yes (trust they gonna read all this when we gone nnoone cares now for a reason )

5 since 21

i got wasted on my bday n been buzzed or fucked up ever since n idc i dont see ne reason to be sober i have looked back at my love life and let me say no im not happy  felisha amy ember romona peach  and dark phoenix(finnally the whole league ) ive hurted them and been hurt by them shit ive been hurt the un official exes (sedearny) btw its 3 ppl also with that in mind i no longer want feelings every time every FUCKING TIME I FALL I LOVE I END UP ALONE (sorry folks hes kinda mad right now ) LIKE IM NOT PERFECT BUT GOD DAMN IM GOOD ENOUGH SHIT WITH ALL THE BULL SHIT I PUT UP WITH THESE FEMALE AND THEIR PERIODS AND MOOD SWINGS (look whos talking ) AND ALL THEIR FEMALES PROBLEMS AND THEN THEIR PERSONAL PROBLEM JUST BULL SHIT  SO I WOULD SAY IM DONE WITH LOVE BUT (probably cant commit to it) IMMA GEMINI AND A LOVING  PERSON SO I KNOW I CANT (told you) BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS ................BLACK AND MILD AND 4 LOKOS (lol) IM DEAD ASS JUST WAIT TO DIE NO LONGER A REASON TO GO BUT I WONT BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN MY OWN DEATH (so you gonna live life to the fullest aka reckless until death .........)YEAH( fuck yes lets get turned up tonight ) OF COURSE LIVE LONG AND PROSPER  TO ALLWHOS NOT ME  "everybody somebodys everything nobody's nothing " yea right

5 more till 21

rihanna is my wifey again :) she agree and now it s me and robyn my princess from Barbados wait...... nvm its over again damn ri ri stop playing with my emotions i want you but anyway  i have a 3rd unoffical  (SE)(DEAR) (NY) SEDEARNY omg i have insiders with myself but i will tell some people but if u no me u can already get it but it could be me just thinking to far out the box to be comprehended by most people sad to say this but it has to be said but anyway im going home on Wednesday kinda excited imma see my sister off on prom n shit you cant nice to some people (sorry that was random thought from me) ne way imma end it here my vibes been killed

21 in 9 days

nothing can compared to the anticipation i feel for this day 21 years old i got my shades so i can see in a darker tint have i been depressed in small doses i need one more to complete my league of evil exes i wonder whos gonna fill that 7th spot will she be the last one ???? or will she just add to the exes???? i missed sooo many proms send offs(is that what they called) like i was suppose to see amys (im sorry again) honey bees(sorrrryyyy ) and my friend patra is having a baby girl but i missed hers too but she didnt tell me im in Delaware now i was doing yard work (its hot as hell up here ) but i missed xo listening party i love how when i leave everyone wanna be doing something but when i come back its gonna be all quiet and boring i hate people soo much i wanna smoke and drink now like so bad i want that feeling of euphoria
euphoria euphoria

EUPHORIA

nothing is wrong

But being wrong is nothing but human see the thing nobody wants to open up due to the risk of being judged and that's the worst feeling to be put under the spotlight. And why wouldn't it be (so are trying to tell us that u have all these profound thoughts but yet no song you irk my motherfucking soul fatboy) ok neway as I was saying (noone wants to hear you shit maybe only like one person u can tell something to and she an ex )who icy amy(if that's what u wana call her)but what thhat gotta do with anything (how long have u knew her)well ill say for about a year(let's go down the list real quick it was the virgo and the capicorn then ember aquitik then romana next amy and lastly trinity) yes and (and how long was that)I guess since 11th grade so I guess 4 years(6 gfs in 4 yrs and you wonder why you not stable u wanna listen to danny brown then micky facts then ch then joebudden then absoul then )so what are u saying (you are not fucking stable u need to sit the fuck down and just stick to one you wanna listen to us then yourself like wtf you probably won't live in the ghost zone nemore )ok you went you to far.........retry y/n

my heart stops

N my head continue I feel like a vegetable I feel empty alone scared mistreate d n unwanted because of this I believe I am I want a hug n some one to hold me n say it all right that false confirmation will lift my spirts if not only for a lil bit I feel dirty there is a new dajnny phantom I have to accept that I wish I could have still been dannybut I can't be I see nothing good yet even tho not to long ago I was on cloud 9 but I (post incomplete )retry y/n

trinity v ember aquatic

One wants to save me while I want to save another a sad lil cycle but that's my life love is an word that can be used as a verb and a noun you can love someone and have love for someone and yet with the same words this is a big difference I see nothing ann I of all people should know that its a hard thing to balance out and I'm learning how to the only thing the twin and voices are saying is (man up n move on you have a trinity so livewith that) but ifi {post incomplete} {retry? y/n}

thisis the result of being socialable

You care about other people feelings rather u like it or not s back to caring but destroying myself instead of just destroying others feeelings it hurts less I was about to change it but no let the self destruction continue

words that so called descibed me

wallflower,hipster,bohemian,hippy,freethinker,beatnik,new age thinker,weirdo,differenter all these labels i take it as way to live but i forgot some:writer,rapper,artist,smoker,mc,lover,pothead,knowledge seeker and etc so think about something before u say something something short for now listening to slaughterhouse

next generation

so I love romona I'm enternly in her debt but it is possible for u to love somone and not be with them I have also learned inlife its possible to love multiple people at one time it scary to think like this now since I been single for so long but it whattevr learnn to livce with it roll with the punches like i do everybody trys to tell me that i anit worth shit anmd that i dont have a problem im just lazy and dont resonbilty this maybe but its not something is wrong but yall dont know at all u never will untill u ask and i will say go to my blog buyt no obvsously im saying lies but me coving up these so called "lies" will be actual lies so i decide to shut up (again)yes again to focus onj art im going to delaware for awhile to do a sabatcal if i find my tablet fuck all who oppose

we tried warning all of you

(But now its time for us to do what we have to do he starting to believe us when we told him that none of y'all really care but its fine we have him now y'all had one job and every last one of you have failed anyway we have a self destruction and reconstruction to host y'all have no to blame but yourself thanks again)

would you believe

I'm not upset however I was high for the past days but I wanna get fucked up Saturday I might I wanna go somewhere my poetry is getting way more potent I like that I haven't really been happy alone tho the more I talk to people the more depressing being alone feels like I really am dependent on people but push people away smh imma write a poem tonight or a few maybe a song idk

list of favorites

painter:Keith harring rapper:mickey factz, Charles Hamiltion, Lupe fiasco,joebudden,absoul (couldnt pick one) candy:twizzlers chocolate:Resses band:Nerd,gorillaz,Korn, pod (couldnt pick one) food:pizza color:black singer:frank ocean,the dream,neyo,prince,chrisette michele,Jill scott(you no why) marvel hero:deadpool DC:batman movie:love jones,brown sugar, Basquiat, interstate 60,forrest gump(oh eat shit if u didnt get it yet ) Nfl team:steelers but eagles due to city NBA team: heat , bulls and sixers due to city books:the love dictionary Graphic novel:Scott pilgrim chips:hot fries cakes:birthday cake Vgame:UMVC3,SFXT,saints row 1-3,super mario 64, mario party1-4,pokemon all i cant think of anymore right now if i do they would be on the updadted list

real quick 5 mins and counting

well its reallty 6 and judgement day is cooming not for the world {wll idk } but for me im dying i can feel it something was told to me that kinda took me off guard and could change my life as i know it i will now let the voices take over (well as listening to new ch there is nothing we can do to fix this body or shell or home what ever thisis that holds us we can try to fix it but its really up to yall who care we beileve yall really dont but he do so his hope is what keep him he didnt really put his trust in us yet completely but do what yall have too or we will take over e=nuff said )

sitting in the dark listening to incubus

Nothing can compare to this this is a unpleasant bliss that I have to deal with smoke and feel free for at least the time being but how long is to long I wanna go back but no I can't I don't really want to be bothered by any body I just don't unless you plan to help

j3tt vs the world

So I have an envy Knives Kim And a Lisa Miller And since ramona is the girl of his dreams and I haven't had anyone that magical and last we heard they still together since I'm single I don't have a Ramona which means one thing I can finally start this mixtape I'm listening to solange song losing you Its so nice and lovely but it has a party upbeat tempo to it the song is simple nothing about it says complex its just so damn contradictory that I can't help but to like it nothing like her sister music but it could be like something that destiny child would do its like refill nothing really special but goddamn it u can't stop listing to it excuse me I went to go listen to her two other songs that many people know I decided and sandcastle disco and now listening to losing you it clear solange is more diverse then her overrated sister Beyonce can out sing her yes but musically solange is just better because its something unlike Beyonce whjo is stuck OK n that dying genre called rnb kinda sad then again she had chances anyway my favorite band is now a 3way toss up between korn nerd and gorilaz besides korn they all genre hop now listening to locked away they have music you wanna preform while korn does also it s more anger or sorrow well kinda upset now bout to sneak in my step mom wine alcohol is alcohol IDC what y'all say I'm gonna be a fucking alcohol who's gonna stop exactly

diamond encrusted halo

My daughter is right now have no potential mothers but she gotta be born with the perfect woman for me but idk if she exist but I know she does I want her now who ever she is come find me babe your child and your husband is waiting but until then everyone is just a gf until u change into the perfect one

space distance

Space cosmically synchronized With stars that seem small in size Because we are far but it wouldn't be wise For us to believe in empty lies Distance don't make the heart fonder Or stronger Just make the time spent apart longer First time away maybe was an issue Second time away no longer need a tissue Third time away reality finally hits u That you will have to survive off of "I miss u" Love can grow to a place where certain things won't matter So if they too far too old too young the love still won't shatter Those who disagree gave up and its pathetic Because love will only go that far if u let it :-)

unable to reconstruct not stable yet

As I sit in Barnes and Nobel I think about everything this year had to offer which is crazy is the fact it feels like it is anew year like last Monday was January 1st it was the longest fucking week ever since I don't really Sleep at all I try to incorporate more people in my life to make it not seem like the rut it is I don't want to come here every day or just whatever its a few anomaly well I don't think that's the word but its a lot of aquaious that I know I don't know why I have to be the most weird person ever I'm sorry just a thought I am ready to break down but can't bring myself to tears I'm no longer telling people they don't care well Nicole I thank her but the rest not even a how u doing but its cool closed casket cause I might take a shot to the face club 27 newest member right here

charles hamilton at 6 in the fucking morning

I have done an sucessfull e9xperiment abput scents and it can trigger flashback slightly and give you the same feeling and thought I just picked the wrong era the fall era of '12 I'm learning a lot of things about me I spent the whple day in the bookstore instead of bothering people imma. Try to see if people bother me (something to write about fatty fatty2x4) maybe I should I just need a beat I mightwrite today why the hell am I upso early (I can't hear you lalala I'm ccovering my ears lalala I can't hear you lalala if you hatingon me these nigga got me seeing red and I'm c and pink can u see what in my head ) seltcive deafness I told my so called best friend I was going to nj and never comeback she said she don't care her exact word why do i. Surround myself with people whodont care imma do it one day. I wonder who would look for me or who woudl just continue I had a a fantasy that I went and hung out with a group of broke misfits who did drugs and I had a gf who kept tryna stop me then I would go from her house to the studio then the streets with my friends then everyday I get kivked out then I work my way in n we have sex she loves me but frustrusted she can't control me n then itssame thing for awhile (that's sound awesome) I know (we should try it ) we can't (why ) well we don't know if things can be that smooth (fuck you right ) iknow I am so we stuck here don't worry(I know we've all noticed u back in your fantasy world welcome back)

post valentine post

Today I fell back with syd da kid my lil dyke lover omg I want her and she wants me I'm waiting syd wainting for us but it really the art of words i m give rap a break andwrite more poems idk why maybe it the face with poems you focus on the words and not the flow or delavery or even punchlines (so no pressure) basiclly but its 450 and I was juat slowly airair grinding to janet jackson anytime (I guess they wanna know a out the sex thing) well my libdio just builds day by day the person who blow this firecreaker might lose an arm(.........why the fuck u say that) I'm sorry but I'm serious and the incident that happen the 13 well tbh I was very very very depressed more depressed then I ever been om not going in to spefics(that's spelt wrong and don't if u didn't help u don't know too bad and one person and that person was thanked) sad day but its in the past imma workout gett my body just make people envious of me imma get job get my own crib(or atleast a car ) but I wanna ask if someone iso"specal" why neglate them? That means they not that speical right or wrong ...... exactly I'm going night night nigga if. I can (u tired but u can't ur mind not letting u )ur mind to (that a place of residence sooo its a difference) is it (yea) I wonder if people would get anything I say (you could go back to codes) which ones the sp or zodiac (both) lisa scorpion knives fish romonia crabs envy water (nvm that sound fucking stupid)told u (don't worry we would figure out something we been writingfor 10 mins ) techniclly type n its cklose to 20(damn I wanna sleep )me too metoo (thank of a clever way to end this my eyes r hurting from the bright lights) if ur sick of me in ur life let ur exit be ur medicine un called for bitterness but when u take it just know when I say u don't matter u best believe ur a non factor if I say I hate I still have some type of feelings for u but discontent or more of indifferent is something different I wouldn't piss on u if u was on fire hell I won't call the cops I won't even tell nebody there the diffrence if I hate u I would out of human sympthy put out the fire but indifferent u are less then a human you get me ?

uh

I seach for an answer a souloutionnothing comes I see nothing but what I don't have I don't have what I want I want what I need so I continueously cut untill I bleed hopeing seeing my arn red would change what sit nmy head nut noits just a mess athat is created i m alone as I said before I became my own mother father friend and whore. The abuse that otheres could have gotten was pushed on to me and nothing can be done because noone else see what's going on in this desmistic dispute between what I beileve a lie and the truth these 3 is what makes me unhappy and thet fact that everyone looks apast me oh you be fine stop being dramistic I'm sorry not even actors can get framatic this sparactic I see a way out idk if I should take it if this world makes me uncorfortable unhappy un kind and unhabbitable why shoukdnt I I escape it

out of disorder

Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. Other symptoms of BPD include: • Fear of being abandoned • Feelings of emptiness and boredom • Frequent displays of inappropriate anger • Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting • Intolerance of being alone • Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing ok after all that i believe honestly i have this disorder imma look up more and see what more stuff they can compound on to it to get a full analesis on me i do iknow that when i was diganosed they said i something with depression (major)maybe it was this maybe not but i just currious i was on zoloft and something else but my dad didnt want to pay for it so i had to say fuck it and live with my feelings could have came from that or whatever but i feel like writing thanks absoul probably about to listen to some mickey as well jimi(lover) basquiat(artist) love art

sexual frustration

Give me a reason to be a freak or beat my meat. Said by ch the greatest that's how I'm feelin I need some some ting not gonna say what because it should be apparent what I mean not to be a perv but I really want some I'm a sexual person who need affection from females from time to time I dream about it now since I started to try to ween myself off of porn I need it (no you need some pussy ) maybe but its not easy thing to do (whatever nigga) anyway I want it badley in other news I have got high today off of tabacco. It was a good high didn't think I could get that high from it but I was and I was trippin downtown tryna freestyle if some one was with me it would have been better (times like this I miss my de buddies they would have got me drunk and high ) I hear you man I hear youbut we got 4 more months right (yup then it s go time baby wine and spirts on dekc getting so fucked up ) funny when we agree on stuff (iknow its like we becomming onee) you like fro that to happen any way I wrote somethigng a lil something on joe budden better me beat. Its not my best but pretty good I should be studing but I'm not at least not now peace

affectionate addiction and an inner conversation

i have been feeling a lil more affectionate lately maybe because valentine is right around the corner or what ever but i wanna be baby and i have a porno addiction yup i finally admitted it and i mean it its on my phone my mp3 player my laptop i have certain sites my fav is xnxx and other shit its not even sometimes i be horny but more of just the fact its there its sad because i really cant stop myself but imma ween myself off of it slowly but the biggest thing is i cant write i mention this before but its serious now i can barley freestyle and its not like last time when no concepts came no i got concepts out the ass its just i cant put it down in a clever way i read and thought about my old song and it has so many hidden gems that i didn't even see or realize i love doing that it make me feel better but i don't know and very scared that i can never do that again its the only thing i got now my art no job no money no friends (well they not everyday they have lives that don't involve or should i say revolve around you) i guess the self destruction is a product of non writing if i write i wont destroy myself it guess it came down to this  I FEEL TERRIBLE its like having an i phone but not being able to use it or to have money alot of money like a billion dollars but you cant spend a fucking penny its just taunting me( your sick or at least used to be i don't know any more because  you haven't prove any thing to me') alcohol is calling me  but i cant drink or even have alcohol 4 fucking more months then im gone SD will be took  to the next level i bet money noone even read this in time (stupid ass people don't care im trying to tell yu that the last time they read anything here as probably last year and maybe even older then that but don't worry they will see remember how when we was all involved you wrote you most depressing but yet powerful work)yea(well we can do it again just lets us take control turn off the light and let us guide you )idk it drove me crazy last time (well insanity is a spice of life  and btw how you like normalcy) .... (exactly think about it we be waiting )

youy probably dont realize why its called

self destruction and why its spelt that way well its a wack ass code Do yoU see (C) its corny but i doubt you saw it everytime im brought back here im depressed maybe because ive had so many depressive moment it taint the beauty of this city for me i dont wanna be here i wanna leave and go somewhere i have a job interview tomorrow and i dont really wanna go because it deals with insurance but to be honest i dont thinkk i have a choice i need money well not really i have noo problem being broke for now i dont know if its because im lazy or just content but i dont really care for some reason my dad didnt help the bridge that he burned so fuck him he ... im sorry im looking at this girl i feel an attraction i have no idea why i get spiritual in a library thats weird maybe it becasuse my mental feel intrigued im going home to pysically destory myself ssome more bye i guyess

nothing left to say

O don't think I'm taking rap seriously here I don't like that my freestyles got better but that's about it nothing to big instill got that cockyness like I don't have something to prove when I do I still didn't finished the two songs I was suppose to its like I wanna rap but I can't and I lost my mp3 player cord so it can charge or put new music (dyme a duzin) on it Swace and Xo are in NY so that means its go time for me and Cooly I gotta hit him back up when I get home I don't know what can put me back not like im quitting I just need a motivator since nothing really does you no if I get my head in these books (rap book) and off these girls I'll probably be better off I have to finish at least one song today even though i m basically finished I still have to put it down this its just the life of a fat black Gemini artist who have an admiration for jimi Hendrix and jean Michael basquiat  job jimi basquiat need to come up cause I'm falling off

damn if i do damn if i dont

damn if i will damn if wont THIS WILL BE THE LAST POST FOR A WHILE  ironicly this is the first post of the year i had an alright new year i expected to be intoxicated but next year is a definite but it was fun but  now to bigger stuff i wanna make my life better so i will do that first with emotionally i have been lieing to myself about something and i just need to face facts about somethings and trust i will but i will say this its possible to love more then one person with that said i didnt lie about loveing anybody its just some more then others a new year i sent out i still need to explain everything with everybody  but it will be done pyscially as much as i love smokeing i have to stop not weed but other things me n god had a talk so things should get alil simplerif u dont hear from me i either finnally did it or im growing either death or grow
i pick
its my move

i(dont) know whats missin now

i sit here with a new view on life i take that back i have the same redefined view with minor readjustments for an example since i had the pleasure of tasting the bittersweet poison called alcohol i would like more of it especially with the feeling of being high when im the this drunk/high(on) state i feel bliss even tho hear something say this is very self destructive to u i dc actually in all realities i want it to destroy me for one ill die happy 2 in this state death doesn't scare me (i mean it doesn't normally but in this state the lack of fear is actually amplified to a another state where i welcome death ) n this feels what i been missing in life an escape from this dry reality this sick twisted normality kills me slowly then the poisons i chose to enter my body i haven't thought about suicide until i got back in philly maybe i should live in Delaware and move to nj when im 21 why nj its a new place no one knows me so ill have a reason to ignored then there i would work on my art n escape my mind by doing mind altering drugs then some hard stuff coke crack n etc y because my self destruction brings me pleasure which means one thing everything i just stated is a pacifier in the sense where it doesn't solve or even nullify  the problem  i have just put them in the back burner n outta my mind for a time period fuck  im sick i need some body (a girl) to take care of me i wonder if i use love as a pacifier ???

becoming H.I.M (Happy In my Madness)
self DestructiOn Under Construction (DO U.C )


oh iand by the way if u like these post follow me on bloger if im not mistaken u just need a google account because soon i will block my page untill i feel like opening it back up  so follow or you wont see these ne more

why my love is unattainable

not to everyone else but mainly myself but before i can say that i have to say this. I don't love myself but i love seeking out love to share the love that stays in my heart (maybe because of a surplus of some sort) and when i find someone to love i over love give too much love too fast then when the feeling is not matching  either sabotage or test out their love. When the person either falls my traps of sabotage or no longer wish to be tested,i would wish they didn't leave because i actually love love. Its hard to understand but its a cycle that holds me because i feel like i don't deserve happiness but i am suppose to make everyone happy.(up to this point no more punctuation marks) so if being with me makes you happy ill take it as something anything else besides love because i don't think you should because its not a good choice........ now why don't i love myself i've been bullied like a lot of people in the world but i took everything that was said to be true and convinced myself that i should be ashamed of these certain things sooner then later it was just ashamed to be alive which in turned brought in my suicidal tendencies this along with the fact i was hurting people that said they cared for me and that i cared for it makes the hatred i have for myself multiply and it might sound a lil like im victimizing myself but i really not the mind is one of the easiest things that can be broke so when mines broke i have nothing to do but to go along with it which only decreased the duration of time between the snap so now with a mind that under construction i'm fucking it up more because my heart gets hurt and the mind have to tend to the heart all because i wasn't at 100 % when i loved who ever i cherish every single relationship i had rather it was partner to a lover i cherish it all it seems melancholy well i'm sorry

                               Peace
self DestructiOn  Under Construction (DOUC)

its Christmas?

So I'm typing this on my new tablet I didn't feel like this was Christmas even when  I received and distribute gifts it doesn't have that wonder or splendor that it once possessed before idk if its the fact I'm going though something nothing to serious but still some shit its cool I plan to do something big tho imma make a song called  ruby colored hedgehog  and honeybees its not hard to know who it is about

the next gin of ...

like the x men the next generation will rise now what is this about read between the lines because i wont blatantly tell you  but with an anthropomorphic  pink hedgehog n bumblebee i have been dropped off rammy got a crush im proud of her actually tho shes moving on  but back to the reason the two anthropomorphic life form really dont fuck with my  "good but obviously not good enough ass" im taking to fact that im just that unattractive (its the truth ) oh hey its the voice inside my head where was u (i took a break because i was repressed) by what (your party life) cool i was about to go back to life i need alcohol because sober life is too hurtful n i cant handle it when 21 im getting killing my fucking liver and because this person who dont know the difference between my life and the life i created and yes i will also do drugs n other shit the only time im happy is when im destructive to my self so let the self destruction begin because its something that i need i guess u can say gin will be my new engine nice but its the truth dont judge me im moving on to become an angry alcohol artist who pushes just enough people out of his life to be confided a bad person and you know what thast perfect im not proofreading this till like next year or what ever

amatory rage 2 blog version

dont baby me when i dont want u too then when i need u too u dont want to i honestly dont get girls like y act certain when not needed i want somebody to kick it with n be calm with but yet i am not that lucky i tried to hate love buts its too hard im ugly unattractive unattainable its like i dont give full love when females want i give it at the beginning but they dont deserve or even respect it

mayday!!!

thanks to that band i wanna write so much right now but its 6 in the morning so i really cant but its a Sunday you know its kinda funny what happens to the mind after it took from its element normally ill know its Sunday because my mom was off yesterday and shes going to church today because i worked around her schedule and since im not i dont even realize its Sunday nor Saturday i got so fucked up on thursday it become something like a habit drinking while smoking something i only dreamed about because being high is fun everything is spacey u feel good and wanna chill when u on n if im not mistaken i was more drunk  then high it is increased i felt good i wanted to race i was rapping i was chilling i was alil moody but i had a reason to be but everything else was great in the best part is i remember the good times like a highlight reel like i remember skating racing talking rapping but i dont remember anything in between that i will plan to do this more often alcohol dont even burn nemore i take it like soda but on top of all that i still wish i was in philly or the people in philly was here or whatever it would be better i think but jhene aiko is my baby i love her n she gonna love me everybody probably asking well what happen to wendy i slowly lost contact with her sad face i thought it was special but maybe she was but couldnt be loved like she wanted to be lovebut w.e i wanna be in philly tho but these people here in the ghost zone  r fuvking awesome so laid back n chill n real thats you cant get mad at them neway imma listen to more mayday and jhene aiko 

bui bloggin under the influence

i have no thoughts im just playing pokemon and im going to stop fixing my mistakes with typing in shit but wtf was i talkin about i dont see neverythiing because of the glasses in shit but in koving the glasses fornow n shit so yea im keepin them like absoul or easzy e im likein tbecool look and the vjew dark tint umm i see yakk later becyase u dibt jbiw what in sqyin  ghostt zone

ghost zoned

its crazy how i think im in the ghost zone right now but finding out alot about myself its like im opening up my mind n i might do some more later useing something i wont say what tho but its w.e im keeping thses glasses on my face for a while brcause i dont want people looking at my eyes ineemore it too much guilt but fuck it im do what i wanna do its hard but the voices dont bother me if im trying to do what i want i guess they not so bad but then again i dont maybe they are takin a break i have been drinking  more oftenly n i will drink some more

money art and wars

so i finally had a breakdown with no tears its seems like the closer i get with god the  more i feel attack and i see it like last night i felt something i have never felt before as the gammit of emotion take control of me i listen to music and did something forbidden i wont say what i did but i wasn't suppose to do but with each time it was a rush and high that was controlled by adrenaline and it was addictive because i craved it more and more so i didnt stop but anyway the depression shit has been increased inflated n went though a influx like 10 fold like smiling is rare people ask whats wrong i finnally say bad and after a while it would be dissolved and noone cares but at least this time its different like i finally  told yall so its no longer a secret but neway either way it goes i feel depressed stress and in need of rest not physical one but an .........i dont know im broke and my art is kinda diminishing and it causes wars dont love me oh yeah i just been told that even with all my effort ill  still get thrown under the bus while my friend whos is not interested in love gets it i dont get it why lord when is it my turn im sorry i kinda snapped for a bit n now with everyone knows i can finally becoming H.I.M  if u dont know who is "he" look at my post previously


oh yea i had  a dream about being backstage with ab soul with him proforming in philly and we was smoking and spitting and i asked to be soul brother number 3 and that dream was soo vivid you my cousin naim was in and xo was in shit was crazy im mad it wasnt real ne

the tattoos i wear
are actually tears
that i ripped but also carry with fear
when make one the other disapear
and when the other is gone the other is forever there

how about now

So I got anew phone from this bad ass asian chick I need to text so I can get the website for the new battery n shit but yea I'm just blogging from my blackberry(techniclyim not i send it to my email and copy and paste it on the computer technogy crazy huh ) blog blog blog I got to finsh this song I call it ROADS meaning rambling on a desperation song so once I finish that song that's 4 n I got to do memories (sound of a female) n is  gentlemen ever in season so that's 6 then my song about death n religion. I don't have a clever name for it yet next is a song about careless people in a postive light[to moan in poon (ba] (8) a song about music being a drug then fear (forget everything and react). So that's decadence and i have been feeling pretty depressed lately i try to reach out to people but i cant get the ones that i want my fault blahh  fuckin blah blah i dont fuckling care i covver my ears so i cant hear the nay sayers ugh i need togo the ghost soon if i dont i will snap and im not trying to but i also need amy poetry and rammys presence (you cant wonder why i need all 3 ) i wonder if i get a girlfriend will she have all these quilties (most likely not) but i need someone stable but i wont most likely this is gonna be a long cold fucking winter (so wait the last girl you had 1 only lasted 6 months and was close to 6 months ago smh at you man )so i guess its back to imagination gettin lost in it and let me explain im not begging for love i want companionship with a female so im gonna create it with my mind (SMH) but i guess im done amy is on the phone irony
                               {end transmission}

Sonic the hedgehog is dead

but not by my hands!?!?!?
but by the hands of amy ?!?!?!

crazy shit but its true and you think this is a great day for me but no no where close because of me being next of the bench someone else is now on the floor (WHAT?!!?!?!?!) iknow i thought i was next but no some other nigga is like what the fuck but thats my fault n guess what no more secret ron-day-vooos so im basicly done who would have thought that if my mortal enemy dies ill be dead too... sad day in the hedgehog life guess shadow is dead danny might be brought up just so i could go ghost in the ghost zone i wont even go for ember ill just go for the numbness rammy is elsewhere and lisa is gone completely both of them because of one did and the other basicly commited suicide (emotionlly) umm nothing left to say just bout to be happy in my maddness
happy in (my) maddness
H
I
M
GET IT
                                                   {END TRANSMISSION}

behind da scenes triple k

peep the bars

never look at this directly

i noticed that noone is special but human attachment makes you special just like money if people had no attachment to it it would be nothing but green paper with old dead people on it people are the same like everyone was strangers at first then you grew to know ,care,love a person and now you are in a relationship and with a person you dont wanna "live without" i thought about that awhile ago while listening to the voices they have been more signifcant and more vocal like thats why they speical like that logic but idont care i got to make a 10 song mixtape by dec ?? i will give myself a deadline of the 12th of dec just because i need one i been rapping for a decade 10 years n if it takes another 10 years so the fuck be it because i have a dream AND BITCH IM GONNA LIVE IT  so i lost it for a min but check it im not rushing nothing in life anymore everything is now going to be with  the flow ill make a song about it later nice lil consept omg now i wanna rap n btw mickey factz is motherfucking sick 
peace

my dream well dreams

1. so i was doing a run for my school and i cheated and the finishline was at penn landing (which is not weird ) and its night time (kinda weird) so i was at the finishline then i was approached by a random girl (yes she was white did u mention u have to mention that )  and we had small talk them started making out then a crowd came and we stopped to see what was going on and when i turned around she was gone i tried to look for her in my school which was at penns landing( very weird considering the fact that my school mlk hs is in uptown ) and when i went in it was day time but i can turn around and see the night sky at penns landing (fucking trippy) so i was walking in my distorted school and came acrossed her in the computer room then i woke up

2 it was quicker then the last one i was talking to someone and my aunt told me to come get my son but i was watching my nephew nahjeer at the moment but his dad came and got him and i went to get my son and i got lost around my aunt way ran into to old ladys (don't forget they was white too) and we conversed and out the corner of my eye i saw my aunt house so i like ran there so i can get my son n i saw him in a black and gold stroller and he was the cutest dark skin baby ever


i just wanted to tell them two stories really quick  they was so vivid and i was  actually beliveing i had a son or a white "lover" not the first time i had a dream about me haveing children another time was ember was pregnant with my baby n i moved out to live with her (the baby name was melody genisis tadlock  idc how anyof yall feel about that name )

im scared i dont want to have a child now im only 20 its alot of shit i didnt do yet like take a bunch of mind altering drugs for no reason,have a 3 some,4some,orgy wake up in a place where i dont even remembering being i wanted to do so much stuff so i can get the craziness out my mind ,body then i ll be ready for a baby

this better not be a sign (sigh)


                                                                   {end transmission}

                                          CHAOS CONTROL
                           GOING GHOST
POPPIN PILLS

Charles Hamilton - Epic Fail

i am such a ....

the hook descibe my mood

wendy ceas n sunshine in space

i love that girl i swear
no its not Amy
or rammy
or ember
but....

i notice people dont realise love until its too late and if that isnt sad idk what it. like if someone died what do they get omg i love them soo much imagine if thats a suicide victim it would be worse because if u would have said it when they was alive they would still be alive (hint fiucking hint)but any way ive made a song last night well this morning im gonna make one today in this place i should be job searching but ill push it till tomorrow dont ask why well i only got 33 mins left lately ive had the feeling being amorous   to people but it always back fire the feeling of amatory is killing me (see im showing off a new word i learned BE PROUD OF ME ) anyway i have to make some thing good when i do write im staying here until it closes its gonna be cold as fuck going home oh yea my mood swings are back and hard3r then ever (or it could be just us fucking with you) w.e voice but sanity is no longer promised in my life im to unstable (mentally and emotionally) n how can you control instability ........... exactly and what i will do is show u why im diggin micky factz right now above will be the video heart off his mickey mause project i wanna be on this level I'm hungry I'm tired and uii still got shit to do (25 mins fat boy hurry up )  but im done (..) ok then
well
peace
i love you Wendy like soooooo much

wait so i put it there now and so you will see the video below this sorry

Mickey Factz Presents Mickey MauSe: Heart {Scene 6}

$wace - Triple k

OK this is swace video triple k imma promote it for a few reason one because thats my bro and 2 xo the name dont ever put up tags so with this video swace prob wont eat and we cant have that

dark reasons

have been my logic for so many years its been made by one of my voices in my head inside my head its like my head is a dark room (matrix) and many people in this room(voices) and many doors(opportunities /option) i have to pick one in the dark only by what the people say some times they scream some times they quiet and sometimes they repeat some times they say it once but however everyone of them talk and you can tell when they agree because ill be more determined to do something then ever before but thats kinda rare some one always gotta disagree and make me confuse and people thing i can persuade them what do you thing these people can do way worse and even persuade others in my head its gettin crazy but its nice to see im evolving a lil more the final solution is not finished however it wont be until i die do anyone wanna know what it is straight forward ? well its basically the idea of having people by your side and thinking the way you do on certain subjects that when you die either your memory or your ideals will live on (ill give you some examples:hitler,pac,biggie,warhol, basquait etc) so final solution is not just suicide but way to change the world positively(or negatively) also i have been having bad dreams a lot lately and they are very vivid i want the music dreams that cooly pac and ch had lucky its gives them confirmations about music i dont know if i should do poetry  or painting or drawings or movies or photogrophy the art word is to vast so i know i wont be stuck in just one sub genere of it but still is rapping for me can i get that same joy i had as a teen now that im growni need  to reavulate my choices about music umm i have some time to think about it but it will be thought about. LOVE,LUST,LOST now put a "will be " between them 3 words  and by the way i hid my heart if someone cared or even wanted to know its no longer in my chest those on the hunt good luck with finding it mwhaaa (evil laugh)wahhhaaa
                                                {end transmission}
 
                             CHAOS CONTROL

             GOING GHOST

ive lost rammy

its crazy its the 4th time i made someone cry with my actions of being myself or at least let them in to my mind  n i only have 5 girlfriends well had so its safe to say its me i think i need to be away from people for awhile people just dont get me im gonna do operation destroy and rebuild and if you wanna know what it is just hope the library gives me extra time i wanna leave now but i dont have  Internet anywhere else so fuckit my heart hurts figuratively and literally i can only help it one way confession: you know how someone with tattoos say its addictive well my cuts are like that its been times where my arms have been just been begging me to get a knife and just cut them but i cant the few things that makes me happy cant help since now pressure of perfection have been thrown into the mix my phone is broke im broke my mp3 bout to die and basically i cant put no more music on it im alone im questioning existence like do i need to be (kinda i think you do but i can tell you why) well, inner voice inside of me that i put in parenthesis  how can i find out (idk man idk im just as lost as you) i wanna go to nj for some reason i wanna go i wanna leave idont know where just somewhere like anywhere but here (but we cant leave we have "thing we have to do") inner voice you know as well as i nothing is staring to matter (right ) ok then so why should i care about the "things we have to do" (man you got off topic like a fothermucker might as well just wrap it up) ok


IM GONE


                                                        {END TRANSMISSION}

self loathing at its finest people

i don't even know why im writing this (because remember i have to be smiley faces all the time) but i kinda have to i am a 20 year old who is a. jobless b.houseless c.broke d.carless e.not in school now every last one of these things can be fixed not that hard to do but yet they not idk i don't have that ambition that i use to do them. maybe because im not forced or i want to prove people wrong but i cant get by on my dashing good looks for long i have to rise up and take that test for ccp so i can get into school the job thing can come after but here's another thing that fucks me up a social life. ok ever since i was younger i didn't really have a social life per say but once i got older and more social able i attained one and i guess you can say its a sacrifice but im not ready to make that sacrifice i want to have fun so maybe ill focus on either a job or school because a job can help my social instantly with the money and the what not gives me more things to do where school would help me in the long run with the degree and such so its just a matter of what i want  now or later i have to give myself a deadline with out stressing myself out how about before thanksgiving i have to make a choice or what i could do is leave it to fate/god like ok im gonna focus on getting a job if i get one before thanksgiving i have my choice if i don't then in the spring ill be going to ccp i like that plan  that way ill be taking a

incorrect

perfecting perfection perfectly produce pessimism
im living through a prism
see me then you dont multi color leave
like the Autumn leafs
i fall with the breeze
and i move like the bees
and then im calm like the seas
but ultimately i go with the flow
i dont know what for but hey i still go
i do what i like i live carefree
im not trying to stress because its harmful to me
mentally
detrimental to my heath
destructive to my wealth
and the well being of someone else
meanwhile
i do what i want at my own time
because its my mind
and if everyone accepts that ill be fine
now you tell me why am i incoorect tell me right now what was inccorect .....i want to know so i can corrct and put my pessimism back in check

hold up this is my 13th post on the 31st (cool) and its in october so because of that no more october post after this one so if i have something to say it would be added on this one anyway im still in delaware a nice lil mini vacation i can chill with the nagging in philly but i would have to go back home eventually but until im gonna enjoy my time down here but check it tho i made it a lil habit to go to sleep a lil buzz somehow all while i was here the people here are so fucking cool they are just good people and shit and they just wanna live life if it was more people like that in philly wouldnt my circle of friends would be huge but its not most people in philly are only in love with money i think ill go to nj next cheeck that place out  for now the phantom is out back into the ghost zone
peace

my worst enemy

is me tbh but when i try to give an option on why i am its a bad thing i have two type of people in my the complete hero then the complete villain i dont wnt them to merge but noooo everybody wants me to merge them to so i guess its smiley faces every thing else is now staying in my mind so no one will be in  the matrix any the fuck more  you cant handle and (if ) when i kill my self you will find out either was i a mryter or the greatest villain ever  i take that back i don't even know if ill kill myself it would hurt more if y'all kill me the final solution  is now expanded its not just suicide anymore nope just smiley faces and happiness just smiles and happiness..........smiles

back in the day shit

im in delaware

and a storm is comming i bet not one friend will find out if im ok  oh and btw unless necessary no more fb post just on here n btw if the final soultion goes on without a hitch i dont want any one to hurt themself in any way shape or form that would be my dying wish respect it

operation shadows sucide

so i know i havent said it but i have been trying to end it all for a while im unhapy with the life and under great amount pressure so with this party i plan to get alchol posining n od or what ever but it failed because im alive to tell the tale but this is not the only time im a true this this month or year i just want to be happy even if im dead i feel like a bad person and if noone loved me that would make soo much sence shit i dont even like me let alone love me im make this short im dying slowly nside and my phone died like it fell in the toliet so i gotta get a new phone again

116-

so check it right im with amy like right now n not to long before this nigga sonic called and they talked to each other on some nice stuff so its like i was in the middle im not the 3rd wheel im more of the 2nd bike and you have to respect that he got her im more of the thrill ride that be on the side but its a tad different amy dont want me neither but i dnt want her with him hes not right hes boring old history but us we have cheminstry (ohh imight make a song about this )  shadow the hedgehog wont take this laying down he would rather figure out  aplan to make them come together(worse nightmare on the best night ) or make shadamy (perfered plan but prob wont happen ) or just continue to lead this life of a the best sideline ever but its cool either way nuff said its up to amy                   -end transmisson-                                                                                                                                                                                  CHAOS CONTROL

with my type of mind

like people better tread softly because if i dont care about if i live or die why wouldi care about you dying thats more of towards the people i consider my enemies  i said either i save alot of souls or take alot with me when i leave its alot to account to this so caled "random" age but i wont name one 1. cause im on the bus 2. i dont feel like gettin more angry ........maybe i should be homelss because there is nowhwere i call home just places i lay my head

5: 23 (wait i noticed the time is wrong on my blog. why??)

ember ,romona, amy = the only3 that seem to matter ill explain it because iwant to put it on the blog the pics i downloaded they fit so well. but one person i believe will always be a lisa miller (a friend  who just tease) like whats the point and other one i called lisa miller have changedon me drasticly like we dont even talk any more this was my best friend best fucking friend (maybe my crush on her fucked it ) and i feel sometime of way about it because like wtf changed ugh but my emotions have been running wild lately mainly love n hate people dont know whats its like to be at the extreams of both sides like i do i want love and i would do everything for it even sacrfice things and i never get it as soon as i say im gonna reain single i get nothing but attention yall cant do that to me im emotionally unstable and mentally dependent on my emotions (i want food) it will have me confused and easily put me on the dark side (starting to feel tired) oh yea shadow got fixed (yay!) i missed him so much i was riding it gave me freedom i cant wait to ride again (hunger and tired is a bad mix ) ive been listening to mickey factz alot that guy is sick i swear he is quickly rising up in the ranks of artists who influence me (bacon eggs anc cheese with toast and hot coco and sleeping with a big conforter and sweatpants) listening to l.e.s by childish gambino and im thinkin about awkward black girl and her relationship with white jay n now i want something like that(wait is love all you think about like focus on music) iben trying to make new songs and the only songs that comes out are songs about females(thanks alot mickey fothermuckin factz -_-)i mean i can do other kind thats something i perfer for now at least i really dont mind because i know in about a month or two its not gonna be like this (stop lying you gonna belike this all winter ugh this is gonna be a long season) wait its 6 well 5:52 already jeez i guess im going (yea right you gonna go down stairs and get something to eat like now because we are hungry) to sleep .........peace (finally )

fuck it all

ok i said my family only would care if my soul hover and to all my lovers they can find another and my sister got another brother and my dad dont even want contact with my mother......my friends could stop it but they would finnaly profit because what typeof rap group could make it with a fat black kid who tryn be gothic and with the skate tricksi wasnt sick so with me it wasnt even a topic so they drop it  andmy  females friends im no where close to a goood bestie because i s0pend most of the time think yall was sexy  i anit shit i think i got them every human i come in contact with  im a human mutherfujckin cancer who might have cancer and it might be a sucide bioweaponary suicide  the best kind  ......the best fuckin kind

a poem i made

KNOW THIS
i havent felt like this in a while
look at me
try to feel what i feel
i feel nothing
am i suppose to
its like i depleted everything
nothing is left but fumes
and ashes
the ashes come from the tobacco
i use to pacify me from the stressful
things i put up with
my bags are packed I'm ready to go
i tell you to reflect me
because i feel you beat me to it
did my kisses mean anything
did my words mean anything
did my actions mean anything
did my attempts mean anything
but if they did we wouldn't be apart
separated
split up
dispersed
unrequited love is a bitch
so ill match you and you match me
and feel neutral
but only you can make me stay
let the pain affect you and ill drop my bags
but until then
BYE

air + water= windy seas..

i swear it would make sence but let me say the water is venus if anyone wanted to know but check itout so much on my mind i wanna write but i cant i have a test i should be studing for i have not picked up that book once well i did butit  was for a lil while  yo back to the subject windy seas meaning something violent angry n dangerous but it could mean peaceful and perfect weather i never said how  much wind i just said wind so it could be something tropical but its whatever people really dont want it to be like that mybe they are right maybe it shouldnt but then again ........ugh why the world gotta zodiact like that (brandun deshay thank u) dont touch me if you dont need me dont want me ifyou anit gonna keep me dont say love if you anit gonna try it and dont break it if you anit gonna buy it im done......peace

memorabilia

a neckless ,keychain,a hug ,akiss ,a shirt ,  hoody anything ..............................you ever feel like you cant find something or someone that brings peace in your life well you are not alone. now lets get this str8 this is not me complaining but ive been on a quest for peace(superman?) /art for a while and im about to go around phily and take pictures of humn interaction (real human interaction they wont know that im there or taking a picture of them) because ive seen some beautiful stuff. the mom at the busstop with her child as the child talks her head off about school and shes sitting there with a smile or the father who is teaching his child how to ride a bike or two people walking hand and hand down the street or just a person in front of something can be art that what i like about it art is not limited to the rich we can (in most times do)make it everyday now on a personal note i hope it doesnt rain today (its 430 wens) becuse i have plans i wish would be fufilled (sigh) well i would keep bloggin but i have to finish watching the basquiat movie (the documentary) and maybe find something to eat..........well peace                                               wait hol up i didnt use the title i never wanna b forgoten by anybody who met me or came in contact with me thats a fear of mine now i can say peace after an elipse......peace

heart start beatin like a drum when i see ya

i want to say im n love but im not but i do feel love forreal as i layin my bed listing to briana latrise i think about a cold night and people hanging out or making out or both i love the cold as a couple and if i get a night like that (or should i say a night like that again ) it would be a perfect type thing idk what it would be i just know i would love it idk why im way more affectionate in the cold but i am i wanna be held as i hold i wana kiss when im being kissed its just something about the fact that passion can literally heat us up hold it right there my eyes are getting heavy my fall wishlist a romantic type night or whole day just the cold and a lover of my choice (insider) peace

choices

i want to say the choices i have is like crazy not with life but with various things in my life hard to explain because if i do .... im sorry im so distracted  right now im in a car listening to chapter 5 trey songz bout to go to class my mind is like everywhere ill do thispost later on im that distracted

wtf is wrong with billy madison

ok im going back to class to get my insurence lincence 1-5sat 8-5 sun because of this i should be studing something im gonna do when i get done but im blogging because of something else im not gonna say what but i will say it changed me and i think i should listen to ex factor  by ms hill (smh again tho) like yesterday had so much shit it didnt feel likme one day woke up on swace floor went to sleep in moms bed (shes not here free crib till sat  :( im alone ) and i didnt think in that 24 hours or so that it could changed my opinon on so many things shit getting crazy with knives and pre rammy but i think its over like i wanna move on (to someone else ) but i cant fight the feeling i have around certain peple (this is what happen when u mix a raven with a dove) i kinda wish you could merge people then i wont be as bad actually if u merge some people from my fab 5 (main exes) it might be the perfect girl for me (ironicly not one of these fab 5think they are the onefor me they might be true but i doubt it) broke my skate wheel irode ixt for a while n felt so good i miss shadow(my skateboard) but thats a different story i gotta clean eat study then leave to take another quiz im gonna past one of these jawn  current mood =:l

i want my phone or personal computer (another quick post)

20 mins on the clock this time lets go
well i want a person Internet i mean i thank the library and all but i want to download and upload some music i fucking went off on that idk joint and i want the person it was about (hint one of my lisa millers) and the world to hear it besides that fact (17 mins) i have became more focused on art then just living i think the need to see hear and experience art is very important so im trying to make everything art pretty cool huh but anyway not that much has changed so much from the last post( had to change the video i was listening to ) i could stop here but im not even tho i have nothing else to talk about i have transpass and a few days so tomorrow regardless if someone hit im gonna catch random buses and start writing because i got concepts but i just need the right environment and my house is not one (changes song again) ironically the songs i wanna do is about the opposite gender and yet i have not one female type presence physically with me could that be the exact reason im making these songs ????(10 mins) maybe but i dont know because i .....just dont  and to correct what i said last time i dont need a women i extremely want one or maybe i do need one  hmm????



bye

quickest post ii ever did

oki got 12 mins to write a post shouldnt be soo hard but im in a public computer so everything is timed anyway today i got to certifacation one is for auto and home insureence the other is for debt (holla at me im doing things )  this month and the next i could be on my way to sucess i hope so im tired of being on the bottom (10mins) my lyrical content and flow/candence changed its almost scary about my skills im hungry btw didnt really eat all day once i leave tho ill get something to eat when i get home  but im proud of myself im actually makeing steps forward in life and next is a job then maybe school maybe (maybe) femaleswise idk because im not worried about them now (7mins) because as mr warhol said as soon as you sstop worrying about something it will come so the pyt will come when they wanna come my priorities should be god art and family in speaking of family alot of crime has been hitting philly and i got me a lil worryied my circle better not be involved any (awesome i have just been given an additional 15 mins which raised it to 20) but its now like i said peace and music and evolveing as a person hope i dont lose my uniqueness because to be honest thats why i dont wanna grow up also i got lost in the matrix not too long ago like i felt what i created in my head which is like weird it never happen but something happen in the matrix i got mad abaout it then in reality i was mad out of the blue (so if i think it emotionally could it change my mind emotionally ?) i wonder if i could finnally control my emotions but i get a phone on saturday or so hopefully
I WANT A WOMAN 

seems like i went contridicted myself but its true i want that love that a only a woman can give you





that nice fire and desire


(sigh 11mins left)


(sigh)
well i guess im done

peace,music,happiness

think like a man

tell me why this is a terrible concept ok its because u cant that do that every man is different just like how every man is different ii just saw two movies [this and ted ] where the girl wanted  to change the man its the best friend who's the enemy or its just an outside force that fucks with it simply put you cant rush love you cant out trick it its a wave that cant really be surfed on or controlled neither sex is Neptune [the god of water]   dont lie lying make things worse on both parts being a player in a man is overrated n cheating in women is also overrated visea versea i have more things to say but mind is semi preoccupied shall returned .......

idk whAT to do

my life has been so confusing mainly because i need to release some thoughts. on a lot. more then this blog can contain or handle i wanna some real ears to listen to me. i got my best friend back well she never left be we talk now..again kind WEIRD SINCE I JUST MADE A SONG About her. its crazy when i make a song about someone they wanna talk to me again. I'm still releasing it but i hope i don't lose my friend again .its like 6 n i wanna know why I'm up oh yea i took a nap out of boredom i have been interested in Andy Warhol lately [thanks mause] so i was looking him up earlier. he was a very eccentric person I'm hungry but i gotta workout i cant wait to go to Florida because i wanna see some new location some new people might see some pyt for some sugarwall action random i know and yes I'm no longer putting periods just because i choose not to and i am lazy to put them where they belong when i proofread this lately i have been writing bout women i thinking next might be a sex song i haven't done that in a while and i wanna see if i have evolved enough for it to matter like would i be talking about the same thing idk my typing skills are increasing [typing skills +250 pts] I'm proud and pissed because that means i type extremely    too much well time to eat after correcting my few spelling errors i wanna kiss someone or hug or put someone on my lap n look them passionately in the eye and tell them how i feel

sensitivity and vulnerability

all im gonna say is some thing maybe should stay in the matrix but its hard when you become vulnerable to someone. maybe i should just kick everyone out the matrix and start anew. it sounds like a good idea. it hurts easier when people are in it anyway. at least the core is not affect completely key word COMPLETELY  feeling upset to upset to put the signature. its been like this for a while . furthermore i have an interview(s) u have to go on tomorrow so no staying up for me :(

architect might shut this down

Ok the glitch with the matrix is the fact it is artificially made to make me happy. A false sense of security that leaves me unharmed by the deadly sun rays that the outsiders(reality) create. Ironically that's the problem people will not understand where my heads at. i walk the streets without a care just worrying about how i feel and people will take it as i forgot them or don't care about them. The phone is the most bi sexual thing in the world it goes both ways,and its been sooo many days where i text or call i get answering machine or a convocation that ends quickly with a "k" or a "lol". so what do you want me to do. do you want me to be happy let me be in the matrix. i'll still communicate with the outsiders with the operator but let me stay in my zone. but since i cant the architect might try to shut down the matrix. Letting my unstable mind with the wildest imagination run rapid in the city of Philly not a good fucking thing. especially since self destruction is not a problem but sometimes a solution for me. AND WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL THESE COUPLES COMING FROM I THOUGHT CUFFING SEASON WAS A FEW MORE MONTHS.It's really depressing me because i want it soo bad but i won't be moved to do something i'll regret. Need me some money,love,shit right now i'll just take a pair of ears to listen to me.  SOMEONE FUCKING LISTEN TO ME !!!

iwant to be abused.....in a good way?

lately being pulled in and out the matrix i have a feel a mixture of aggression and pain and pleasureand relaxed so i guess a lil feel of pain is a feel good feeling like i was singing a song and i was ripping off my shirt and scratching my skin it felt good idk well i just depressed myself idek y i feel depressed i was just writeing this post now i feel like im worthless :( i guess im going to sleep now andi guess i got my wish my mind will now abuse me this is my fault for leaveing the matrix to help other people and other shit

only one person will(might) get this post

ok let me explain this is my digital matrix.
the real matrix is the place in my mind where everything works how i want it too.hence why im not as angry (not aggressive) as i was before. its literally a mental escape. ok now since i  explained that let me say this there might be a breach in my matrix. what is a breach? an invader,an unwelcome guest ,a stranger if you will. now this breach is unlike any other like there are some i can control (wish not to have any but sometimes i just have to)but its some i can not. this is one of the can not's. now i can honestly say that i am prepared for this breach to an extant but idek when is it gonna come where is it gonna come from or even if its gonna come. i have been told by my intelligence (both domestic and foreign ) but it could be wrong. the keymaker(the one who gave me a physically representation of a lock in my mind ) is come home in a while. only for a day tho but one is better then none and if she use the same key correctly she might be Ramona  MIGHT BE!!! I was talking to my two lisa millers and i remember why they are my lisa millers but anyway i gotta stay vigilant about this intruder [looks back and forth ] PEACE

MUSIC+LOVE+PEACE= HAPPINESS
(MENTAL)+(EMOTIONAL)+(SPIRITUAL)= (PHYSIOLOGICALLY)



who agrees with that statement

yoo sample material

people wont get you anymore ....good :)

The farther i get in to the matrix (my own head )the less pain seem to hurt. (this feels like a deja vu ) For an example like with the dealing with loneliness n stuff like that. Mainly with the females like i was hitting on one girl(well setting up for flirting to take over) n my savager cousin come in n take her( smh family). Neway the only reason why im dwelling on it so much is because she lives in Philly and into the same hip hop as me (rare). So its like i could randomly see her like fate has this one. Even tho i leave almost everything up to fate/god. Its like if i was meant for it it would happen i wont pussy foot around. However the only thing im gunning for is rapping and skating but mostly rapping. Idk when i make a good song i just cant wait to see people faces. Even if its the look of confusion but there would be another song added to the mixtape (without my prior knowledge) and i went off in a positive way. (in my lupe type shit) I've been using metaphors and other shit like that. Similes im saving for freestyles. I've stop talking to my lisa miller slowly but surely and its weird we used to talk every night like a habit. Now we barley talk kinda odd. Letter to mecca is done but im might do it over. Letter to Katie is written and i have to write a letter to Shirley. I don't think Jocelyne or Brianna will get a letter. Idk know why i wouldn't know what to say forreal Jocelyne is mention  in the song cars but Brianna is real  hard to write about but not impossible. I got my 2 lisa millers to write about one is already wrote but i need a song about them together. So basically i need to talk about my envy Adams , my Kim pines, my 2 knives chau, my 2lisa millers,and my Romona. (idk who the fuck she is at all :() Oh well ill find out when the time is right. Basically leave it all to fate (omg sounds like a song title) ok its 4:43 am and i still need to proofread this and ill write a song later on today or after I'm done blogging. Its just I'm a lil tired from working out and skating even tho i couldn't really do that much due to rain. I'm listening to radiohead and next is Nirvana ok
ne way
peace
love
music
=
happiness

july4-5

the parkway thing i have been talking about it all day so i don't wanna talk about. [at least right now] i am in the house alone because my mom  had to go to my cousin house since she is outta town. I should have went to my dad's crib but i didn't. I gotta take out the trash n shit here. Neway i'm seeing a difference with these work outs. My arms are getting more defined n cut. That awesome! The mixtape N.S.M.Y.L.E is almost done and do i like the final product? not so far. It's not the fact i'm not on that many songs [im on like 3 ] but its a tad repetitive.  [no i didn't really have a chance to throw a concept their way]but i dont like it  for a few reasons 1. everything was though email it was like no creative control it was like "the concept is this" and since you couldn't vote you would just write to it. 2.the concepts didn't differ from every other underground group. 3. there is no type of chemistry at all. If i didn't say we was in a group no one would have known. I mean we could have got together and said i'm saying this that and the third. So someone else could do something off of it  but no instead everything was a secret until you hoped into the booth. In groups that is a important component like no.1 but nope we didn't have it. It seem like we just wanted to get the songs done instead of just rapping with your family. Whatever this is the first [and as far as im concerned the last] mixtape. Also i forgot 4. peoples egos. Now i might fuck around say "i put my foot in your ass" but its a joke i didn't for real because i was only on 3 songs. i'm not even gonna front that pissed me off its about a 12 song mixtape and im treated like a fucking feature. If black hippy did that or if slaughterhouse ill ask what was point of him on any songs. If they minus ab soul or Joe budden on all songs except 3 i'll say wtf was the point. [like once again WTF] With the females man, still kinda empty with this shit. So i'm still solo skating [won't get it until i explain it ] but maybe i don't need a girl but a woman. but fuck i didn't even dabble that much with girls let alone women. I'm 20,broke,living with my mom,slightly immature,slightly self indulging and i stay in my head [when i'm not releasing on my internet matrix[this blog] or my music] that's not attractive to many females at all. So because of that its girls for me 18- ? [i think its only 2 17's year old that is an exception] but yea im about to go listen to an song we did today 
MUSIC
PEACE
LOVE 
=
HAPPINESS

i feel like crying

i don't know if i should make a professional blog or stick with this one.i might just make this a personal blog but the way its made its seem like its for someone to read it  instead of me reading it. i mean i don't really make that many 'happy'post. Neway im living with regret with most females. scratch that, most females let me go and i have to sit back and smile and take it. well im sorry i cant do that. i feel like everyone wanted me and i had a choice. now its like i have not one option like not even a fuck buddy [didn't really like them but its something]. this is a big sign that i rush into relationships because i feel alone. maybe im meant to be alone to figure out why when i am in a relationship it fucks up. its a team effort or sometimes no effort at all, but its me with the streak of 7 months max in a relationship.[but a 6 month average] its more then some but for others that's baby steps. i wanna a long term one like a year[at least a year]and some change and still going strong. maybe its the fact i cant find anyone who likes what i like how i like it. for example i like to walk for long distances and just talk and consider it a date. most girls really don't like it. the whole point of a relationship however is to gain something from that opposite person maybe have some similar ideas but still different so in a way being in a relationship cures ignorance and intolerance [which is probably why i accept many things]n now for the title i feel like crying because depression is starting to be like a drive by of lack of emotion or just a lack of a good emotion leaving me melancholy. i wanna to be babyed but i cant i have to be a man and push on. i honestly fear if i stay alone for a certain period i would be lost in my own fantasy. mainly because its the only way i could make myself happy without the help of drugs. so technically its like my matrix the longer i stay in the more i believe it and become engulfed by my creation. that is how i think. no one can stop me from thinking that way.and on a side note people are getting mad at oeros because of their support for gay marriage. OK 1 let people love who they gonna love gender ,age ,race,creed, religion and/or culture shouldn't stop love 2 really y'all boycott a cookie company because of their belief smh at you anti gays 3 im hoping this is not just a scam for people to buy oeros out of rebellion. i have no idea what they are suppose to be covering up with this gay tread [i no its actually gay people but people now are blowing it all out of proportion because Obama said he support it ] Jesus Christ guys let people live how they wanna live its a short life neway might as well try to be happy in the process 'i am not' im bout to turn the ac back on and go to sleep ps the sun is comming up a sun rise to me is one of the biggest slaps in the face to single people now i sleep  
if i dont cry first or cry myself to sleep
peace 

destructive emo-od

ok lets start off by saying im pushing people away not on purpose but its like y put up a front if i feel some type of way y not tell someone right neway  back to the topic so I'm learning a lil bout my self these last few days like i came close to start loving my self but the afor mention stopped me i don't get this i have low self esteem they tell me to raise it up i raise it up a tad n im cocky i start almost loving myself and im the one with the problem and because of this i have a whole imaginary world in my head this is the first time this was mention on here n to some people. i wont tell u what is in my world but I've been there alot lately and you know what idc. it a great way for me to be happy even if its artificial way. i finished the scottpilgrim books omg one of the best books ive read the movie seems sub par now but they did have 6 books to flesh out people  n idea but the last book is about your problems how instead of run from them like what Ramona and Scott do you have to face them head on its a great metaphor n i have decide too as well but its been pushing away so i guess here is the warning to everyone EVERYONE IF YOU GET PUSHED COMPLETELY AWAY NOT MY FAULT ITS THE UNIVERSE'S WE Probably NOT MEANT TO BE IN CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER. on a lighter note i have decided to go to school its just ccp but im gonna go back up there and finish my forms and go. i guess my real fear is that it might stress might stress me out and ill have no way to have fun because ill be an official [in my eyes] adult however i have a whole world i can do things in. so as of now my reality would be my dream world. so yes im gonna be lost in the matrix believing what i wanna believe and not taking neone in unless they probe deep enough in my head and that's not easy and a lot of girls and guys have tried but ultimately failed since its almo0st  impossible . iknow you are thing well whats the emo part for well i have been WANTING to cut myself lately but it haven't. mainly because if i do ill once again develop a habit of doing it. n these psych ward bills anit cheap so i gotta be my own lover,father,mother,therapist,friend and enemy all at the same time. this is not for the weak so ill try to lean on god if i get weak if i dont feel his presences that's is when ill quit. but as of now team of me noone get me more then me matter of fact nooone get me except for me the writer loner stoner dreamer and make believer J3TT BLIZZI

jett vs the world names

knives chou=mecca envy=shirley  kim=brianna that should clear up some confuseing and my ramona ="stacy"my imaganary girlfriend (yes i have a imagnary girlfirndidc if its weird it helps me cope with the feeling of being alone )shes white (lately ben having jjungle fever idk y ) with blonde hair 5'2  with heels on :( im a mess a longer update about shit later i also wanna say i finished the scott pilgrim books one word =mindblown ill tell u later i think i should make nadirah knives and kim would be mecca and brianna would be envy ill think about it or maybe nadirah could be lisa

bingeing on my birthday

ok en tho my birthday was saturday im bingeing now n i like the way it sound neway quick update my 4 best friendsn my gf forgot like wtf (i should say 4 of my best friends i have more) like i remeber their but its fine im planin on commiting suicde soon i didnt tell you that ? oits apparent u dont read this blog i said new years my bday or christmas im texting this n im texting fast so ne mistakes i apologize with music smh we moving foreword but still smh i feel like scott pilgrim (n becase of brianna i have to keep reading them because they are as addixtive as crack) the one in the book not mike cera but yea commiting suicde or having an attempt some time soon if i don come back im dead n happy peace

Dis[is]tence rough draft

Dis[is]tence rough draft

lenore anti love machine (completely stolen from charles hamilton well the title at least )

why the title idk 


















but i can guess why i picked that title (insert bitching and moaning about females) and (insert more bitching) howabout the fact that(insert bitching about a completely different topic) 










oh yeah i turned my phone off because i was getting people ... in general but i will random turn it on because i want to know who noticed or not im kinda hoping for no new messages or calls why (insert another drop)














well i kinda dont want to depend that much on technology so this can be a nice little experiment 


i haven't sleep at alll im not  tired 
i will be around 10 maybe get myself a red bull










oh yea i was smoking im stressed dammit you complaining about it make it worse 










DUH DUMB ASS PEOPLE WHO HAPPEN TO READ THESE RANDOM POST 


THE HELL I WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE GET A LIFE 
LIKE I KNOW I DONT HAVE A LIFE BUT YOU HAVE LESS OF A LIFE THEN ME 




GO ON FACEBOOK MYYEARBOOK TAGGED OR TWITTER DO SOMETHING ELSE WITH YOUR TIME 












BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

morebs please

ok my friend (well he was really acting like one lately) is in a coma due to acar crash due to  his gangster friends (who btw left him in the car rubble(what good friends)) ii guess due to us insulting him but everyone in the group is insulted im worried more about his brother vic because he might want revenge but i cant help but think this is my fault (isthat selfish) because we could yave took him back before but he did betray us continuously but ugh idk what to think about this subject  im still in delaware currently in the middle listening to be with kat between girls,music and friends i havent once thought about a job im starting to feel like ch a lil a homeless(wait ... i have a home2 actually) music artist who is struggling with this life and my stubbornness ,personality, past and my mind keeps me back i dont want a sob story because i dont need one and wont like them but its a blog for a reason and ill use for the reason of getting things off my chest besides rapping since all i rap about is girls now (in process of writing middle name dames vol1 :be peparered to hate me )

all alone

yo i would say im buggin but im not i love so fast (being IN love not that much) but yea because i love hard love fast love right love wrong go in go deep go go hard and live love long (thanks briana latrice) because of this most time i want the person im loving all the time thats not how it works i lost so many because i loved hard i loved fast if u give it up when i just met you  if i love right i wouldnt be alone(clever) but i am idk but some how my gf (if that what she still is ) story dont make sence ok she said she only talk to me n sohe so busy she cant most of the time but yet she told she was talking to her ex (double nono) and her myyearbook status says she need text buddies (WHAT!!!!)why all that you may wonder ummm let me see the last text i got from her is may 8th its almost june so who do she want to text her not to mention her status says single n many ask y am i holding on tbh im really not its like a slight grip of memories  of good times in the honeymoon stage (which was short lived compared to my other gfs) sad but true but i think its over but enough about that (this might be a long post) back to this music shit everything in my life is fuckin it up n shit im getting pissed about im so bummy sleeping at so and so house not to go home on some ch shit we are more similar then one might think real quick to the few blog critics out there who like saying my blog is a grammar and spelling nightmare (there is a nice handfull) idc you dont have to read because my new line is check the blog

HEYZEUS [savior]

HEYZEUS [savior]